Chaos to My Ears Transcript

Scene 1: The sign up
(Calvin and Hobbes are in Calvin's room reading comic books. Cut to Mom and Dad on the kitchen. Mom reads a note from Miss Wormwood.)

Mom: Well, Calvin's done it again. According to Miss Wormwood, Calvin didn't do his homework, drew aliens on the chalkboard, shot spitballs at Susie, and put a tack in her chair.

Dad: What are we going to do with him?

Mom: I think that he needs more to do to give him a better sense of responsibility.

Dad: That might work, but what could he do? Every time we give him a chore, he breaks something. The vacuum, the vases, the pictures, the TV, my work desk, the lamps...and don't get me started on the peanut butter incident.

Mom: How about an after school activity?

Dad: That could work. There are so many things he could learn from those, and they'd all build character. The school newspaper, the track team, baseball...

Mom: Band class.

Dad: Huh?

Mom: He'll take band class. I'll sign him up right away.

(Dad puts his hand on Mom's shoulder.)

Dad: Uh, dear, maybe you should ask him about this.

Mom: What for? We already know he'll say no.

Dad: Right, so why force him into something he won't like?

Mom: But you just said he could build character.

Dad: Right, but band class builds way too much character.

Mom: You're still traumatized when you were in band class.

Dad: Well, dear, you've got to realize that anyone in band never gets any respect! I mean, look at me! I'm a scrawny, balding guy with glasses! It says former band student all over me!

Mom: Dear...

(Dad gets on his knees.)

Dad: Please don't make him do it! I vowed never to force my own children into such a despicable class!

Mom: Well, I didn't so he's going.

(Dad runs upstairs into Calvin and Hobbes' room.)

Dad: OK, what is about to happen is not my fault.

(Mom enters.)

Mom: Good news, Calvin, I've signed you up to be in your school's band class!

(Immediately, Hobbes dives under the bed.)

Calvin: AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Dad: I warned you.

Mom: Practice starts after school tomorrow, so be there.

(Mom leaves.)

Dad: I'm sorry, son. I really am.