Cruise Ship Chaos Transcript

Scene 1: The idea
(Episode starts with Calvin and Hobbes watching TV)

Announcer: Its new! Its cheap! Its the all new-

Calvin: Boring... (Flips channel)

Announcer 2: Come one come all to see the hit production of-

Calvin: No thanks (Flips channel)

Announcer 3: Its the The Superstar Oceania! The biggest cruise ship there is! Enjoy exotic sites! Free meals! And a whole lot more! Cabins start at 25 grand!

Hobbes: Wow, that would be nice to go on. But too bad we don't have that kind of money. At that rate, you might as well go into the cruise business yourself...

(Hobbes notices that Calvin is still staring at the TV, with dollar signs in his eyes)

Hobbes: Uh-oh...

(Cuts to later, Hobbes is reading a comic book)

Calvin: There! Perfect!

Hobbes: With what?

Calvin: Hobbes, after seeing that commercial for that cruise ship, I had an epiphany! I-

Hobbes: Yeah, yeah. You want to make one bigger and better than anyone else's and become the richest man alive and take over the world... I've heard this spiel like a million times by now.

Calvin: Okay then... Since you saved me about two minutes of giving you a bunch of introductory filler to introduce my idea, I present to you... The Calvintanic!

Hobbes: How original...

Calvin: I know right?! And this isn't your ordinary cruise ship that takes you to only a couple places, but all over the entire world!

Hobbes: That's technically not possible...

Calvin: Whaddya mean its not possible?! I can visit MOST of the seas and oceans in the world!

Hobbes: That's not what I meant. I mean how some people would be able to track you down.

Calvin: Like who?!

Hobbes: Oh gee, I don't know. Probably since you're on the most wanted list in Albania, China, Australia, and about 20 others...

Calvin: Oh shut up. I'm BANNED from Albania and Australia! I'm only on the most wanted list in China, Brazil, the Congo Republic...

Hobbes: I rest my case. Calvin: Look, who cares if I'm banned or wanted in a couple of countries? I'm going to make a cruise liner that'll make me the richest kid on the planet Earth! BWAHAHAHA!

(Hobbes groans)

Scene 2: The Pier
(Cuts to Calvin and Hobbes at an empty pier.)

Hobbes: Why are we here again?

Calvin: To witness the creation of the Calvintanic!

Hobbes: And how are you, a six year old, going to manage that?

(Calvin pulls out the cardboard box)

Hobbes: Uh oh...

Calvin: Relax Hobbes! No traveling or duplicating is required THIS time!

Hobbes: Just this time?

Calvin: Well I don't know... Anyway, the box will read my mind on how I want the ship to look, then the box will take in all that info, and then create a gigantic mega cruise ship in seconds!

(Calvin presses a button on the box, and noises are heard, until a gigantic cruise ship appears in the water)

Hobbes: Woah...

Calvin: Behold! The Calvintanic!

Hobbes: I still say you change the name.

Calvin: Oh shut up, now where's that wine bottle to throw at it?

Hobbes: Beats me.

Calvin: Oh there it is!

(Calvin grabs it and hurls it at the Calvintanic, the bottle smashes and wine goes everywhere, and gets on Calvin and Hobbes)

Hobbes: What a wonderful ceremony...

Calvin: Definitely! Now its time to set sail and make some moolah!

Hobbes: There's a few problems with that Calvin.

Calvin: Like what?!

Hobbes: Well for one, we don't have any passengers. And of course, with no passengers, means no money.

Calvin: Oh yeah...

Hobbes: Also, you have no crew. You can't possibly expect a ship of this size to have a successful cruise if its just the two of us.

Calvin: Fair point... That's what the duplicator is for!

(Hobbes sighs)

Calvin: We also need some live music. I'll be right back.

(Calvin turns the box into airplane mode, and flies away.)

Scene 3: The kidnapping
(Inside a studio, Modest Mouse stands with their instruments.)

Producer: Alright, Modest Mouse, you're on.

(The band starts playing Poison the Well, until a gas bomb enters the room through the window, which causes everyone to stop playing.)

Isaac Brock: What the...

(All the members pass out. Much later, they wake up in a dark room, tied to chairs.)

Isaac Brock: Where are we?

Jeremiah Green: I don't know.

(A lamp turns on to see Calvin.)

Tom Peloso: Oh, great. We got kidnapped by a five year old!

Calvin: HEY! I heard that. I'm six.

Isaac Brock: OK, kid, what do you want? We have an album to record!

Calvin: SHUT IT, DWEEB!

Jim Fairchild: He got you good.

Calvin: So, hello, Modest Mouse. My name is Calvin the Bold.

Isaac Brock: Is that your real name?

(Calvin takes some duct tape, and puts it over Isaac Brock's mouth.)

Calvin: Now that that loudmouth is silent...

(Isaac Brock yells some unkind words at Calvin, but we can't hear it through his duct tape.)

Calvin: I have a proposition to make. You perform on my cruise ship.

Jeremiah Green: You have a cruise ship?

Calvin: Yes. Is that weird?

Tom Peloso: Yes, I don't think any other six year old has their own cruise ship.

Calvin: Still, perform on my cruise ship, or else I'll expose Modest Mouse to the world as a bunch of phonies!

(The duct tape falls off Isaac Brock's mouth.)

Isaac Brock: I'm afraid we have no choice, guys. We have to perform.

Jim Fairchild: Are you sure?

Isaac Brock: It's the only way.

Scene 4: The Advertising
(A couple is watching TV)

Wife: Honey, don't you wish we could go on a cruise?

Husband: I would, but I don't feel like traveling for 9 hours just to get to the blasted ship itself! It would be nice if there was a cruise liner that would set out around here!

Calvin (On TV): Hello fellow vacationers! Have you've ever wanted to go on a cruise, but didn't want to travel far to get to said cruise?

Husband: Why, yes!

Calvin: If so, you should take a spin on the Calvintanic! The biggest, largest, and greatest cruise ship ever devised by man! Setting out right out of good ol' Providence, the Calvintanic is the first ship in the world to cruise around the entire world! All at an affordable price of course!

Wife: Wow honey, we should do that! Providence is only an hour out from here!

Husband: I suppose, but why on earth do they have a kid doing their advertising?

(Shows montage of people calling in to book cabins, and eventually to boarding day, with the duplicate workers helping to get passengers on board)

Wife: Wow! Isn't this gorgeous honey?

Husband: It sure does, but why do all the workers look the same like the kid from the commercial and look no older than 6?

(Cuts to Calvin and Hobbes watching from a camera in their private cabin)

Calvin: This is great! Look at all these people! I'm gonna be a gazzilionaire!

Hobbes: I'd be surprised if all of them last this two-week cruise...

Calvin: Oh shut up fleabag, they'll last, and they'll all love it!

Hobbes: Well, considering this fact this ship hasn't moved since it was created, bypassed all inspections and junk since you've kept it so secretive from those organizations, and making claims that this ship will move so fast it will be around the world in 2 weeks seems hard to find success.

Calvin: Oh please, this ship is 20 stories, with loads of a bunch of cruise related junk that these people so desire, they'll even forget their at sea!

Hobbes: We'll see about that. (Checks clock) Still got a while before we set off... That reminds me, who's gonna be driving this thing?

Calvin: Oh crud! I made all duplicate workers, but not a captain! I gotta act fast!

(Calvin gets the duplicator out and makes sure to have himself duplicated)

Calvin: There perfect!

(A Calvin in a Sailor Suit emerges)

Captain Calvin: Ahoy me hartes! The name's Calvin, Captain Calvin that is. And who are you two fellers?

Calvin: Well, I'm Calvin, your creator, and creator of the Calvintanic, which you'll be driving. Oh, and that's my tiger Hobbes.

Hobbes: I like tuna.

Captain Calvin: Arr, sounds good to me. Well, duty calls!

(Captain Calvin leaves)

Hobbes: Well that was rather anticlimactic.

Calvin: Well what did you expect?!

Scene 5: The Ship Sets Sail
(Cuts to the lido deck, the ship is about to set sail)

Calvin: Icky girls and gentleman! The Calvintanic is about to begin its inaugural cruise!

(The passengers' cheer)

Calvin: And to help me get this party started, we got none other than Modest Mouse here to perform!

(The crowd cheers, the band members look annoyed)

Calvin: START PLAYING YOU SIMPLETONS!

(Modest Mouse starts playing, and the horn sounds, and the ship sets sail)

Calvin: Perfect! We're officially a-go!

Hobbes: So, now what?

(Calvin thinks) Calvin: Honestly I don't know, I didn't think we'd get this far.

Hobbes: That makes two of us then.

Calvin: Well, best that we can do is enjoy this one of a kind cruise ship that I made!

Hobbes: You mean that the box made.

Calvin: No, I mean the one I made that I thought through and had said box record thoughts to make a reality.

Hobbes: Whatever... (Shows montage of Calvin and Hobbes doing various cruise-related activities) (Cuts to Calvin and Hobbes back in their room)

Calvin: Man, who knew riding and owning a cruise ship could be so much fun!

Hobbes: I gotta admit, the stuff you put in this was pretty cool.

Calvin: Thank you for finally accepting my brilliance for once.

Hobbes: (Rolls eyes) Don't push it. (Calvin's stomach grumbles)

Calvin: I'm starving, where do you want to get dinner at?

Hobbes: I'm not sure, you seem to have everything BUT a fancy restuarant on this thing.

Calvin: Why would I want stuff like that?

Hobbes: Because you know, all cruise ships have stuff like that?

Calvin: Cmon fleabag, my ship is supposed to be unlinke any other!

Hobbes: But it'll probably be for all the wrong reasons, like always.

Calvin: Oh shut up! It's not like everytime I come up with a brilliant plan it goes wrong!

Hobbes: It appears that we have differing memories on that topic...