The Birth of Calvinball transcript

This is the transcript for The Birth of Calvinball.

Scene 1: Calvin's Room
(We open to Calvin and Hobbes reading comics in their room. Hobbes has a can of tuna fish, and Calvin has got some cake.)

Calvin: Ah, this is the life.

(Calvin's dad walks in.)

Calvin's dad: Calvin, what are you doing here in your room?! It's a beautiful day! You should be outside playing sports with the other kids!

Calvin: I hate sports. And the other kids.

Calvin's dad: What?! What's not to like about sports? They teach you how to work well with others and help you become more athletic!

Calvin: I don't need to become more athletic! And the last time I played sports with other kids, they tried to hit me with their bats!

Calvin's dad: The bond between teammates takes time to develop.

Calvin: Face it, Dad, I'm never going to be a sports player who can support you in your old age. Open a retirement fund or something.

Calvin's dad: I don't just want you to play sports so you can support me! Playing sports builds character!

Calvin: Yeah, right.

Calvin's dad: I'm telling the truth!

Calvin: And I'm telling the truth when I tell you that I won't play sports no matter what you do to me!

(Cut to the door of Calvin's house. Calvin, holding Hobbes' paw, goes flying out the door. Calvin's dad throws them a glove, a baseball bat, and a ball, then locks them out.)

Hobbes: Well, that went well.

Calvin: Moe and his friends are playing baseball over there. Maybe if I join, Dad will let us back inside.

Hobbes: I should stay here. We can't have anyone finding out that I'm alive.

Scene 2: Game 1
(Calvin walks over to Moe and his friend.)

Calvin: Hi, guys! Can I join?

Moe: Sure. Stand right over there, and take this.

(Moe hands Calvin a glove.)

Calvin: Wow, thanks.

Moe: And now... catch this!

(Moe throws a baseball bat at Calvin and it hits him in the guts, knocking him over. Calvin is moaning in pain when two of Moe's friends run over and grab him by the arms. Moe picks up another bat.)

Moe: Batter up!

Moe's friends: Here's the pitch!

(Moe's friends throw Calvin at Moe, who swings the baseball bat at Calvin and knocks him to the ground.)

Moe: Ha-ha! Home run!

(Moe's friends run over and trample Calvin.)

Moe: Time for inning 2!

(Calvin runs away.)

Moe: What a wimp.

Scene 3: Game 2
(Cut to Hobbes sitting on the front steps of Calvin's house. A bruised and battered Calvin walks up.)

Hobbes: Goodness! What happened to you?!

Calvin: Moe happened.

Hobbes: It looks like you need first aid. Come on, let's get you inside.

Calvin: We can't go in until we play an organized sport, remember?

Hobbes: Are you sure your dad won't make an exception? You're hurt pretty badly.

Calvin: My dad will just say it builds character and I should go back and play again.

Hobbes: One of the greatest examples of parenting of the decade.

(Cut to Calvin and Hobbes in their backyard. Calvin is holding a baseball and wearing a glove, and Hobbes is holding the bat.)

Calvin: It's the bottom of the ninth. The bases are loaded. The Dinos are one point behind the Tigers, but a home run will win the game for the Dinos. Calvin the Bold is at bat.

Hobbes: Calvin the Bold?!

Calvin: It's my new full name.

Hobbes: Might not catch on, but let's just play the game. Here's the pitch!

(Calvin throws the ball at Hobbes, who hits a pop fly.)

Calvin: Hah! Easy out!

(Hobbes hits the ball again as it falls, sending it flying across the backyard.)

Calvin: You can't do that!

(Hobbes starts running around the backyard, tagging a tree, a rock, and the rain barrel, and starts heading back to the spot where he started. Calvin is still running after the ball.)

Calvin: You can't go home yet, there are twenty-two more bases that you haven't tagged!

Hobbes: Twenty-two!? Where? Where?

(Calvin tags Hobbes with the ball.)

Calvin: You're out!

Hobbes: You lose!

Calvin: What?

Hobbes: I'm secretly a traitor to my team! You tagged me out, and since the opposing team is one point ahead, your team loses!

Calvin: But I'm a traitor too! I'm a part of the opposite team! And since they won, so did I! You're the one who lost!

Hobbes: But the thing is, I'm really a double agent! Since I played both teams, I won and I get a higher ranking in the National Baseball League for both my positions in the game while you only get points for the one position you played! And since I have such a higher ranking then you and we're rivals, you get disqualified from the League!

Calvin: Good! I was never a baseball player anyway! I was always secretly a Calvinball player!

Hobbes: Calvinball? What the heck is Calvinball?

Calvin: It's a game with two rules. One, you always have to wear masks, and two, you can't play it the same way twice!

Hobbes: Well, what're we waiting for?!

Scene 4: Game 3
(Time cut. Calvin and Hobbes are now wearing masks and running through the backyard, which has been filled with wickets. Hobbes has a flag and is tagging the wickets with it, and Calvin is throwing a soccer ball at Hobbes, who keeps ducking. Whenever Calvin misses, he picks up the soccer ball and throws it at Hobbes again.)

Calvin: Look out! You just ran into a vortex spot! You have to spin around until you fall down!

Hobbes: Sorry. This vortex spot is in the boomerang zone, so the call returns to whoever said it! You spin!

(Calvin starts spinning and suddenly hears footsteps. Hobbes goes limp. Moe and his friends show up.)

Moe: Hey, what're you doin', twinky?

Calvin: I'm playing Calvinball!

Moe: I got another game. I call it "Squish the Wimp"!

Calvin: Fine, we can play that. But first, you gotta beat me at Calvinball! That is, if you're not too chicken...

Moe: I AM NO CHICKEN! TELL ME HOW TO PLAY AND I'LL TRAMPLE YOU AT YOUR OWN DUMB GAME!

Calvin: Okay, first you need to put on these masks.

Moe: Why?

Calvin: Sorry, no one's allowed to question the masks.

(Moe and his two friends put on masks, although Moe's is covered by his hair.)

Moe: Now what?

Calvin: Now you play Calvinball!

(Calvin grabs a croquet mallet and starts using it to hit badminton birdies at trees.)

Calvin: Ha! It's zero to one hundred already, my lead!

(Moe and his friends start grabbing mallets and trying to hit the birdies, but they keep missing. Moe manages to hit one birdie, but it hits a wicket, not a tree.)

Calvin: Oops! Moe, you hit a time fracture wicket! You have to go in slow motion now!

Moe: For how long?

Calvin: Until you steal the flag!

(Moe starts slowly walking to the flag, but Calvin grabs it and waves it around in Moe's face. Moe tries to grab the flag, but is going in slow motion and cannot do it. Moe's friends rush over to get the flag.)

Calvin: Oh no! You just ran into vortex spots! You have to spin around until you fall down!

(Moe's friends sigh and start spinning. Calvin grabs the soccer ball and throws it at Moe, hitting him in the face.)

Calvin: Hah! I hit you with the Calvinball! You lose!

Moe: What? That's not fair!

Calvin: It's in the rules! He who gets hit with the Calvinball is out!

Moe: What about my team?

(Moe's friends fall over and Calvin runs over, tapping them each on the head with the Calvinball.)

Calvin: You're all out, and since the game is zero to one hundred, I win!

Moe: THAT WASN'T FAIR! IMMA KILL YOU!

(He drags Calvin to the curb and throws him in front of a speeding truck. Hobbes suddenly hits him on the head with a croquet mallet and saves Calvin. Moe's friends run away screaming.)

Calvin: Hobbes! Thanks for that! I had no desire to go to the emergency room again.

Hobbes: "Again"?

Calvin: Never mind, we've played an organised sport now, so we can go back inside. And now, I don't think Moe's friends will be after me anymore!

Hobbes: Not to mention the fact that you made Moe eat some serious humble pie by beating him at Calvinball!

Calvin: That I did! And you're standing in a vortex spot.