The Video Game Championship Transcript

Scene 1
(Calvin, Hobbes, and Andy are walking in a mall)

Calvin: Hey, Andy!

Andy: Huh?

Calvin: Do you see what I see?

Andy: (reads a sign posted in the arcade) "Next Sunday, video game--"

Calvin: "Championship!" Wow! And with a brand new game. Awesome! I'm going to sign up.

Hobbes: How much do you get if you win?

Andy: $200!

Hobbes: Wow... that could get me like 100 cans of tuna.

Andy: Let's go, then!

(Cut to them at the front desk)

Simon: ...and you sign up right here. But don't forget, no free practice games and against these players you'll need lots of practice.

(Simon points to Susie playing an arcade game)

Calvin: SUSIE?? Zounds! Simon's right.

Andy: Simon's right?! Are you feeling all right? Since when does Calvin Jacobson think that Simon, that dimwitted keeper of the gates of paradise is right, huh? ESPECIALLY about Susie?!

Calvin: Andy, even though Susie's a party pooper, she's secretly really good at video games. My reputation's at stake and it's a brand new game. I'll have to practice twice as much as before.

Hobbes: Huh?

(Calvin goes up the escalator. Cut to outside. The three are walking)

Andy: Eureka! I know what to do. I'll be your coach.

Hobbes: Gesundheit.

Calvin: My coach?

Hobbes: And you too.

Scene 2
(At the park, Hobbes is on a horse spring rider. Calvin and Andy sit on a bench)

Andy: Think of me as your personal trainer. There's a good chance the game for the championships will be Archer Quest 12, which is about to come out. So, we'll use Archer Quest 11 and I'll find a way to hype it up.

Calvin: Okay, Andy, you're on. You're my coach!

Hobbes: Gesundheit! Everyone seems to be-- A... achoo!!

(Hobbes falls off the spring rider as he sneezes. His nose turns red)

Hobbes: How come everyone's catching a cold?

Scene 3
(At the school, it's the end of the day)

Tyler: Calvin's going to win for sure. With Andy on his side, they're a dream team. No one else could come close.

Moe: (growls)

Zoe: My favourite video gamer is my brother. You know, the future intergalactic video game champion!

Moe: What? Calvin's a champion? Ha! Yeah, right, whatever.

(Moe purposely bumps into someone)

Boy: Hey!

(As Moe walks by Calvin and Andy, Andy whimpers)

Calvin: Hey, Andy, why are you sweating?

Andy: It's Moe, he's acting really weird. He seems so nervous.

Calvin: Well, of course. He signed up for the championship and he's afraid to lose. (laughs) And since he knows you're my coach, it's psychological warfare, that's all.

(Calvin gets his backpack and leaves)

Andy: Moe signed up? He knows I'm helping you? Well, he's going to be supersonically mad at me then! (whimpers)

Scene 4
(Andy walks into the bathroom. He is about to wash his hands)

Moe: (in a stall) I'm going to wipe 'em all out.

(Andy stops and whimpers)

Moe: I'll smash them. They're all dead meat. So, he's going to help him, is he? Well, he's dead meat, too. I'll wipe 'em all out.

(Andy quickly sprints past the stall and out of the bathroom. Camera shows that Moe is actually playing a video game, not talking about Andy)

Moe: Yeah, 10 points, pow! 20 points!

Scene 5
(Andy is on his computer at home. He cracks his knuckles and stretches his head. He types in a hack code for Archer Quest 11. Once he hits Enter, an archer pops up on the screen, but grows three times its normal height)

Andy: Atomic! It works!

(Andy goes to one side of his room and pretends to give an award to himself)

Andy: Professor Andy, your souped up version of Archer Quest 11 is a total success.

(Andy takes the Archer Quest 11 disk out of the slot in the computer)

Andy: So, thanks to you and with some hard training, Calvin Jacobson will be unbeatable!

(Moe appears as ghost in Andy's point of view)

Moe: So, you want to help him? I'll baddaboom, dead meat!

(Andy's bad conscience appears on the disk)

Bad Conscience: Afraid of Moe, are you? The solution's simple. Help Moe. Help him and the gods will help you. (laughs evilly)

(Andy's good conscience also appears on the disk)

Good Conscience: He is a bad counselor. You cannot betray your best friend. Help Calvin and celestial MC squared will help you.

Bad Conscience: You really want to end up as dead meat?

(Bad Conscience zaps Good Conscience, causing him to disappear. Bad Conscience then disappears, too)

Scene 6
(Moe is walking in the street, playing the same video game he was playing in the stall. Andy peeks out of a garbage can and looks at him. He throws a small brown envelope at Moe)

Moe: What?

(Moe turns around, but doesn't see Andy running away. He picks up the envelope, opens it, and takes out a letter)

Moe: (reading the letter) "Here's how you should prepare for the championship. From a wellwisher"?

(Moe takes the same Archer Quest 11 disk out of the envelope)

Moe: Hmm...

Scene 7
(Andy is standing in front of a whiteboard while Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the couch)

Andy: Your training is in three stages. 1st, physical preparation.

(Andy points to a drawing of Calvin jogging)

Andy: Jogging and thumb muscle exercises. 2nd, a review of mathematics--

(Andy points to a drawing of an equation)

Calvin: Huh?

Hobbes: Ooh!

Andy: ...equations, logarithms, and trigonometry. Thirdly, mental preparation.

(Andy points to another drawing of Calvin meditating)

Andy: Relaxation exercises, yoga and electromagnetic acupuncture.

Calvin: You know, Andy, that's all great but when do I start practicing?

Andy: Do as I say! You don't argue with your coach!

Hobbes: Bless you.

Scene 8
(Montage of Calvin "practicing" for the championship. He and Hobbes are jogging on the sidewalk. Then, in his room, he tries to solve an equation with help from Andy. After that, Calvin and Hobbes headstand on Calvin's bed. Hobbes falls off. Andy is spinning a rope back and forth so that Calvin can jump over it. Hobbes accidentally trips over it, causing everyone to fall down. Calvin fails to do trigonometry. Calvin does only one push-up. He tries to do another one, but fails)

Calvin: Can I stop now? I've had enough of this. I've been training for 2 days and still haven't touched the console. Am I ever going to see your souped version of Archer Quest 11?

Andy: Well, there's still a couple of little problems.

Calvin: Well, fix them! I really need it and you've got to make me a joystick like the ones at the arcade. I need to practice with it! Here's a diagram.

(Calvin gives Andy a diagram of the joystick)

Andy: Huh? Like the ones at the arcade? But that's too complicated, I can't possibly--

Calvin: I measured them this morning and I saw Moe. He's gotten a lot better, you know.

Andy: Well, okay, okay. Just give me 2 days.

Scene 9
(Calvin and Andy are standing in front of 2 joysticks on a table in Andy's room)

Calvin: Cool. Hey, how come you made 2?

Andy: (nervously) Just to be on the safe side. Tennis players always carry lots of rackets. He-he.

Calvin: Right. Plug it in, I want to try it right away!

Andy: No, no, no. You'd better try it out at home. Is that all right? And here.

(Andy gives Calvin the Archer Quest 11 disk case)

Calvin: Wow! Super laser! Thanks, coach!

Andy: Bless me. (groans)

Scene 10
(Calvin puts a disk in the game console slot in his room. He picks up the joystick, but it sparks. He screams and drops it. Girly music is heard from the TV)

Calvin: What? This isn't a souped up Archer Quest! Andy made a mistake. Princessy, say your prayers!

(Once he grabs the joystick, he screams as it electrocutes him)

Scene 11
(In his room, Andy is whimpering in his sleep, moving around constantly. He causes a model of a globe to fall down from his shelf. He catches it)

Scene 12
(Calvin and Hobbes are waiting for Andy at the front of the school)

Hobbes: Hey, Andy!

Calvin: Hi!

Andy: Hello.

Calvin: Not looking good. Are you sick?

Andy: Had a bad night.

(Calvin takes out the Archer Quest disk case from his pocket)

Calvin: You know, Andy, you made a mistake and gave me a Princessy game instead of the souped up Archer Quest and also your joystick blew every fuse in my house and gave me a really bad shock.

(Calvin gives Andy the case)

Andy: Well, your diagram must have been wrong. It's not my fault so don't start accusing me of sabotage!

(Andy's phone is given to Calvin)

Calvin: I'm not accusing you. Just give me the back up joystick.

Andy: Not possible.

Calvin: Why? I could pick it up if you'd like.

Andy: I just told you, it's not possible!

Calvin: Hobbes.

Hobbes: Huh?

Calvin: Do you think Andy's acting kind of weird?

Hobbes: What else is new? Every time he tries to explain something, it makes me dizzy.

(Hobbes walks away. Andy's phone rings)

Calvin: Huh?

(Calvin picks up Andy's phone)

Calvin: Andy, your telephone!

(Calvin answers the call)

Moe: (on the other line) Hey, Andy--

Calvin: Huh?

Moe: What's with this joystick of yours? It sparks and when I touch it, it electrocutes me! I can't even try the Archer Quest you gave me. If this is your idea of help, THEN FORGET IT!

Scene 13
(Calvin and Hobbes are standing in the school hallway at the end of the day)

Calvin: Andy is Moe's coach.

Hobbes: Bless you both.

Calvin: Hobbes, Andy's helping Moe to win the championship.

Hobbes: No.

Calvin: Yes, that explains everything. The weirdness, refusing to give me Archer Quest, the 2 joysticks.

(Calvin starts walking. Hobbes catches up to him)

Hobbes: But that's treason! It's sabotage! It's really not nice.

Calvin: But that's not like Andy. He must have a reason for what he's doing. We've got to find out what it is. I need your help.

(Hobbes stops walking)

Hobbes: Okay.

(Hobbes notices that Calvin is still walking)

Hobbes: Oh?

(Hobbes runs after Calvin)

Hobbes: Hey, wait for me!

Scene 14
(At the park, Hobbes looks around to see if anybody is there. He sits down on the bench and takes out a tape recorder and the microphone that comes with it)

Hobbes: (speaking into the mic) Testing, testing. This is a test. (looks around to see if anybody's there again. He starts singing) Oh come and see, it's Beekeebee--

Andy: What did you say?

(Hobbes tries to hide the recorder in his pocket, but it falls behind the bench)

Hobbes: Who? Me? Nothing. I didn't say anything.

Andy: Why did you want to see me alone?

Hobbes: Oh, look, Andy, a butterfly.

(Hobbes tries to pick up the recorder while Andy isn't looking, but he turns around and Hobbes quickly gets back up)

Hobbes: Uh, it's Moe, he's looking for you. He wants to beat you up. Calvin and me couldn't quite figure it out but it seems to be because that joystick gave him an electric shock.

(Andy whimpers)

Andy: (gasps) But why? It was to help him.

(Hobbes tries to pick it up again, but fails)

Hobbes: What? You wanted to help Moe?

Andy: Yes, but only because he threatened to wipe out Calvin and anyone who helped him.

(Hobbes finally picks up the recorder)

Andy: Since Calvin's a better player, I figured it wouldn't make any difference. Oh, I'm a rotten traitor. A traitor and a coward.

(Hobbes turns the recorder on)

Andy: This is horrible, Hobbes!

Hobbes: Uh, would you mind explaining that again because I didn't quite get it all.

Andy: Well, I heard Moe say he'd wipe us all out and me especially!

Scene 15
Announcer: Come watch the giants of the videogame battle it out in a brand new, never been seen before game of merciless combat between...

(Behind an arcade console, Hobbes is showing Calvin the recording of Andy)

Andy: (on recording) He said he'd wipe us all out. Baddaboom, he said. I was scared. Now do you understand?

Calvin: Poor Andy. Moe got him mega-scared. Now I understand.

(Calvin and Hobbes walk away)

Simon: Stand by. At zero, the console becomes operational and you'll see the championship game. Ready?

(Calvin walks over to his arcade console)

Simon: Three, two, one, zero.

(The arcade console screens say "Ultimate Beekeebee")

Calvin: Zounds! Yuck!

Susie: The dorky bee!

Moe: Huh? No baddaboom?

Hobbes: Ultimate Beekeebee! Fantastic! We'll beat them all silly.

Calvin: Come on, Hobbes, you deserve it.

Hobbes: Hey, do you mean that, Calvin? Ooh, thanks!

(Hobbes walks over to the console)

Calvin: Sure, and I'll be your coach.

Hobbes: Bless you!

(The bee on the screen bounces off a web into a honeycomb. Honey falls on the bee)

Susie: Ha-ha!

Calvin: Oof!

Andy: Calvin, I have to talk to you.

Calvin: Quiet! Look at Horace, the king of Beekeebee.

(The bee jumps on a fly, killing it)

Hobbes: Ha-ha!

(The bee kills more flies)

Moe: Oh, I'll wipe 'em all out. You want to help 'em, then I'll wipe you out too. Baddaboom, dead meat, all of you.

(Moe's bee gets killed by a sprayed liquid)

Calvin and Andy: Baddaboom?

Hobbes: Wow! Yeah! I did it! I did it! Yeah!

(Hobbes does a celebratory dance)

Simon: And the winner of the Ultimate Beekeebee Championship is... Hobbes Jacobson!

(Calvin and Andy high-five each other and laugh. Calvin then high-fives Hobbes. Moe gives Andy the video game device he was playing with for his training)

Moe: So, like, you're the Beekeebee specialist, huh? Would you lend me your games?

Hobbes: Yeah, sure.

(Screen starts to shrink)

Hobbes: I've got "Beekeebee in Snail Land." It's great because it lasts a long time, see? I mean a really long time.

Moe: Baddaboom.

Calvin and Andy: Bless you.

Hobbes: Then there's "Beekeebee Makes Pancakes." You'll really flip.

Moe: Baddaboom.

Calvin and Andy: Bless you.

Hobbes: And "Beekeebee Loses His Wings." And then there's...

(The screen disappears. Hobbes walks in front a black background)

Hobbes: Why do they keep saying "bless you"?

THE END