The Court Case of Calvin v. School Transcript

Scene 1: The suing
(Episode starts with Miss Wormwood grading papers at her desk, when she hears something crash to the ground)

Miss Wormwood: What was that?!

(Cuts to a file cabinet on the floor)

Calvin: (Muffled) GET ME OUT OF HERE!

(Miss Wormwood sighs, and put the file cabinet back up to see Calvin covered in dust with several old text books beside him)

Miss Wormwood: I'm not going to even ask. Just go wash up and come back to class quickly...

Calvin: Good! You're lucky I don't sue! (Leaves)

Miss Wormwood: (Sighs) Five more years until retirement, five more years until retirement...

(Cuts to Calvin in the boys' bathroom)

Calvin: There! Good to get all that junk off me! (Notices one of the faucets dripping) Dang, it'd be a shame if that were to flood... (Light bulb appears) Wait a sec, if I kept all the sinks running, the bathroom would flood, and so would the whole school! There'd be no school for months! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! (Turns all the sinks on and leaves the bathroom laughing manically.)

(Cuts to Eduardo, the custodian coming into the school, observing to see if anything needs cleaning, and opens the boys' bathroom door, to have about an inch of water flowing out)

Eduardo: What the?! (Runs in and shuts the sinks off) Kids these days... Well, better get my stuff to start cleaning. (Leaves)

(Cuts to Miss Wormwood's classroom, the bell rings)

Calvin: FREEDOM! (Bolts out of the door, and is running at top speed) Finally! The rest of the day is mine! No cares! No responsibilities! I can do whatever I want! Yahoo!

(Cuts to where all the water is near the boys' bathroom, all the other kids are walking slowly around it, but Calvin goes in full speed, slips, and somehow lands on Moe)

Moe: What the?! GET OFF ME TWINKY! (Throws Calvin back into the puddle and leaves)

Calvin: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

(Everyone stops and looks at Calvin)

Calvin: I'VE HAD IT WITH THIS LOUSY EXCUSE FOR AN INSTITUTION! I'M SUING THIS SCHOOL!

(Everyone starts laughing at him)

Calvin: SHUT UP! ONCE I WIN THE COURT CASE! THIS SCHOOL WILL BE NO MORE! (Storms off to Principal Spittle's office, where he is busy working)

(Calvin slams open the door)

Principal Spittle: Calvin?

Calvin: WHAT KIND OF SCHOOL ARE YOU?! I SLIPPED WHERE THERE WASN'T A WET FLOOR SIGN!

Principal Spittle: Calvin, I'm sure our custodian didn't get his-

Calvin: YEAH, YEAH! EXCUSES, EXCUSES! YOU MIGHT AS WELL START CLEARING OUT YOUR DESK NOW, BECAUSE I AM SUING THIS SCHOOL! GOOD DAY! (Slams door shut)

Principal Spittle: No way anyone would be dumb enough to take a case for that kid...

Scene 2: The idea
(Cuts to a law firm, the phone rings and a lawyer answers)

Lawyer 1: You've reached Wilson and Co. Law Firm, how can we assist you?

Calvin: So you guys represent people suing other people?

Lawyer 1: Uh, yes...

Calvin: Good, can you help me sue my school? I slipped on a wet floor sign, and now I'm suing them for my pain and suffering.

(Lawyer hangs up)

Calvin: Philistine.

Hobbes: I don't think you're going to find someone to take your case.

Calvin: I don't know what else I'm going to do! I've probably called up every law firm in Providence, and STILL nobody is willing to take my case!

Hobbes: Maybe you should just give up-

(Calvin glares at him)

Hobbes: -or you could...represent yourself?

Calvin: Hey! Great idea Hobbes! Why didn't I think of that before? (Dials phone, Hobbes sighs)

(Cuts to Principal Spittle's office the next day)

(Man enters)

Man: Excuse me sir, are you Samuel Spittle, the Principal of this school?

Principal Spittle: Indeed I am. I have been since 1979.

Man: Well Mr. Spittle, you've been served. (Hands him a paper and leaves. He opens it up and is shocked to what he sees)

Principal Spittle: A court summons? What could this be for... CALVIN?! (Grabs intercom) Uh, attention faculty, we're having an emergency meeting in the teacher's lounge right now. All students will get an extra recess now, I guess...

Calvin: Sweet! (Bolts out the door)

(Cuts to the teacher's lounge)

Teacher 1: How could that kid get anyone to take a case for him?

Teacher 2: Who's dumb enough to let this go to court?

Teacher 3: Why haven't we expelled the Noodle Incident kid yet?

Principal Spittle: Okay, okay, I know there are many questions. But fear not, I hired a lawyer named Frank Lanks, who has 32 years of experience, hopefully it'll be an easy win.

Teacher 4: But if we lose, we're all done for!

Teacher 2: Yeah! We'll be out on the streets!

Miss Wormwood: What if we could make this a teaching experience?

Teacher 2: How?

Miss Wormwood: I think we should bring the entire school down to watch the trial, it should be a good teaching experience for all of us.

(The teachers all nod.)

Scene 3: The trial
(Cuts to the courtroom the next day)

Calvin: Alright! Time to make myself a billionaire! This case will be a piece of cake! Too bad Hobbes couldn't be my attorney, but he did give me some great advice!

(Cuts to Hobbes recording with a video camera in the way back)

Hobbes: This is going to be comedy gold...

Frank Lanks: Nervous Sam?

Principal Spittle: A little, this case impacts all of our futures...

Frank Lanks: Don't worry Sam, this kid doesn't stand a chance.

Bailiff: All rise for the case of Grayson v. Bill Watterson Elementary School, with Honorable Judge J. Oliver Lazarus presiding.

(The Judge takes his seat on the bench)

Calvin: Why does this guy always get assigned to my cases?

Judge Lazarus: Alright here-oh its you again...

Calvin: I'm not on trial THIS time Judge Osiris! I'm suing my pathetic excuse of a school I'm forced to attend. I'm seeking 10 billion dollars in damages for my pain and suffering, and I want all rights of the school to be handed over to ME!

Judge Lazarus: Oh boy, this is going to be a long day... Alright Calvin, you may give your opening statement...

Calvin: With pleasure your honor. AHEM! Icky girls and gentlemen of the jury, today I will prove to you that these incompetent fools that run this stupid institution I'm forced to attend, DELIBERATLY CAUSED ME TO SLIP AND FALL IN WATER WITHOUT A WET FLOOR SIGN!

Judge Lazarus: You mean to tell me you're suing your school because you slipped where there wasn't a wet floor sign?

Calvin: Yes! I've suffered brutal pain and suffering because of it.

Judge Lazarus: (Rolls eys) Of course you have... continue....

Calvin: So, today I shall show you evidence, that's so crisp and clear, that I deserve payment for this. Good day.

Judge Lazarus: The defense may read its opening statement.

Frank Lanks: With pleasure your honor. Ahem, Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, today I shall prove to you that Samuel Spittle, Principal of the School the defendant is suing, had no intention of harming the defendant. The defendant was simply being wreckless, and brought it upon himself.

Calvin: OBJECTION! I WASN'T BEING WRECKLESS AT ALL!

Judge Lazarus: Mr. Grayson, you can't object to an opening statement...

Calvin: Well he's lying!

Judge Lazarus: He is allowed to state what he wants to in his opening statement anyway. Continue Mr. Lanks.

Frank Lanks: Well, I was quite done anyway... (Glares at Calvin as he sits down)

Judge Lazarus: Mr. Grayson, you may call up your first witness.

Calvin: Witness eh? Hmm... I call myself to the stand!

(Hobbes facepalms)

Judge Lazarus: Mr Grayson, you can't call yourself to the stand...

Calvin: WHY?!

Judge Lazarus: Because that's how the court system works. Pick someone else.

Calvin: Hmm... I call... Moe the Moron to the stand!

(Principal Spittle groans)

Moe: No need for the extra commentary twinky...

Calvin: Quit blubbering you baby. Alright now, where were you at 3 PM two days ago?

Moe: You know where I was, I was walking to my locker, and then you decide to jump on me, and I had to throw you off!

Calvin: I didn't jump on you, I landed on you because I slipped! I should've sued YOU as well for assult!

Moe: I HAD ALL THE REASONS TO DO IT!

Judge Lazarus: (Slams gavel) Order! Order! Mr. Grayson, please don't provoke the witness, just ask the questions.

Calvin: Fine... No further questions...

Judge Lazarus: The defense may cross-examine the witness.

Frank Lanks: We're not going to bother to since he doesn't really have any relevance to the case...

Judge Lazarus: Very well then... You may call your next witness Mr. Grayson.

Calvin: Hmm... I call Spithead to the stand!

(Principal Spittle groans)

Calvin: Alright Spitty, where were you at 3 PM two days ago?

Principal Spittle: Calvin, you know where I was at! I was in my office!

Calvin: Yeah, yeah, excuses excuses! How do I know you didn't see me flip and fall?

Principal Spittle: I never heard any slip and fall at all, mainly because I was in my office working on the school handbook for next school year!

Calvin: Whatever... The plantiff rests!

Judge Lazarus: Mr. Grayson, are you sure? You've only been at it for a couple of minutes.

Calvin: No need Judge Osiris, I think I've already proved these fools guilty.

Judge Lazarus: Right... The defense may call its first witness to the stand.

Frank Lanks: Very well your honor. The defense calls the District Custodian, Eduardo to the stand.

Calvin: OBJECTION! This guy is trying to bring a phony witness to the stand!

Frank Lanks: WHAT?! What are you talking about?!

Calvin: I've never seen or heard of this Eduardo guy before, so he's obviously some phony!

Eduardo: No I'm not! I'm one of the district custodians!

Calvin: Oh yeah? Prove it!

(Eduardo shows Calvin is badge)

Calvin: Huh, alright, I believe you now.

(Eduardo rolls his eyes and goes to the stand)

Frank Lanks: So Mr. Eduardo, can you tell us where you were 2 days ago?

Eduardo: I was cleaning the bathroom.

Frank Lanks: Is that all?

Eduardo: No. You see, the bathroom had started to flood. I don't know how, but it leaked into the hallways and I forgot to put up a wet floor sign.

Calvin: OBJECTION! You obviously didn't care about my safety, and purposely forgot because everyone in this pathetic school district has a grudge against me!

(The courtroom is silent.)

Frank Lanks: Yeah... About that... We have some evidence to prove that the district doesn't have a grudge against Mr. Grayson.

Calvin: And what could THAT possibly be?

Frank Lanks: You're permanent record. Bring them in boys!

(Three men come in the room rolling in file cases and leave)

Judge Lazarus: Erm, whose is this?

Frank Lanks: All these cabinets contain the permanent records of Mr. Grayson.

Judge Lazarus: You mean its that large it takes up 3 file cabinets?

Frank Lanks: Indeed. Feel free to take a look.

Calvin: OBJECTION! This is completely irreleveant to the case! Plus most of that stuff is made up anyway!

Judge Lazarus: Lets see here, setting the science lab on fire, starting an uprising, starting a food fight, causing the school to lose power, this list is insane! And I haven't even read it all!

Frank Lanks: Would you care to look at the one for the Noodle Incident?

Calvin: OBJECTION! I was FRAMED on that! You have no proof!

Judge Lazarus: (Slams gavel) Order! Order! Mr. Lanks, do you have any other evidence to offer to the court?

Eduardo: What about that hidden camera you were telling me about earlier?

Frank Lanks: Oh yeah! Your honor, we have some video proof of the plaintiff flooding the bathroom.

Calvin: WHAT?!

(Shows video of Calvin turning on all the sinks and laughing about his plan)

Judge Lazarus: Well Mr. Grayson?

Calvin: Uh, that wasn't me! That was my duplicate! I would never dream of doing something like that! Ever!

Judge Lazarus: A duplicate? Is that the best excuse you can come up with Mr. Grayson?

Calvin: Well it was! Who planted that camera anyway?

Frank Lanks: Oh uh, Susie Derkins.

Calvin: WHAT?! CALL HER TO THE STAND THIS SECOND!

Frank Lanks: Fine, the defense calls Susie Derkins to the stand... Susie: Oh boy...

Frank Lanks: So Ms. Derkins, you've probably known the defendant long enough haven't you?

Susie: Yeah, probably the weirdest and most annoying kid I've ever met...

Frank Lanks: Care to tell us, in great detail perhaps?

Calvin: OBJECTION! THIS HAS NO RELEVANCE TO THE CASE WHATSOEVER!

Judge Lazarus: Objection sustained.

Calvin: OH COME ON!

(Shows montage of Susie telling every gritty detail about everything Calvin has done over the years, with Calvin demanding objections and bangs his head on the table) Calvin: I still say my objections should've been accepted.

Judge Lazarus: Whatever, you may cross-examine the witness.

Calvin: So Susie DORKins, most of that stuff you said were lies and irreleveant to this case, so where were you at 3 PM two days ago?

Susie: I was walking down the hallway carefully until you came in like a bull in a china shop and slipped.

Calvin: Oh PUH-Leeze! You're nothing but a load of lies! You have no proof!

Frank Lanks: Actually we do through one of the security cameras.

Calvin: WHAT?! IMPOSSIBLE! I WAS TOLD NONE OF THEM WORK! SPITTLE IS A FILTHY LIAR!

Principal Spittle: We got them fixed Calvin.

Judge Lazarus: The defense may play its video evidence.

Calvin: OH COME ON!

(Shows Calvin slipping and falling on video, with him clearly being wreckless in the halls)

Judge Lazarus: Well, that certainly looks wreckless to me Mr. Grayson.

Calvin: It is not!

Frank Lanks: The defense rests!

Judge Lazarus: Very well then, this case shall now go to the jury.

Calvin: Good! Soon, I'll be a billionare, AND owner of a school! BWAHAHAHAHA!

(Principal Spittle rolls his eyes)

(Ten minutes pass, and the jury files back in)

Judge Lazarus: Well, that was quick, has the jury reached a verdict.

Juror: We have your honor.

Calvin: Well? Out with it!

Juror: (Rolls eyes) We, the jury find the defendants of Bill Watterson Elementary School not guilty on the charges filed against the plaintiff, as he was being wreckless, ridiculous, and wasted our time with this pointless case.

Judge Lazarus: I couldn't agree more! Case dismissed! (Slams gavel) Calvin: WHAT??!!! SALIVA-MAN BRIBED YOU TO DO THIS, DID HE?

Principal Spittle: For the thousandth time, my name is Spittle, Calvin.

Calvin: JUDGE OSIRIS, YOU BETTER CHANGE THE VERDICT TO GUILTY AND HAVE THEM GIVE ME RIGHTS TO THE SCHOOL AND THREE BILLION DOLLARS!!!!!!!!!!

Judge Lazarus: I'm sorry, Mr. Grayson. The jury has reached a decision.

Calvin: NO! THIS IS MAHOGANY!!!! THIS COURTROOM IS RIGGED! I AM SUING THIS COURTHOUSE NEXT!

(Calvin picks up a chair and throws it at the bailiff.)

Judge Lazarus: Mr. Grayson! Enough with this nonsense at once!

Calvin: THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

(Calvin throws another chair, this time at the judge)

Judge Lazarus: Gah! Baliff! Get this kid out of my courtroom!

Baliff: On it.

(Calvin is dragged out of the courtroom yelling and screaming by the baliff. Hobbes presses the stop button on the camera.)

Hobbes: Oh, man. Wait till YouTube sees this...

Principal Spittle: Thanks again Frank, the school couldn't of done it without you.

Frank Lanks: Anytime Sam. But I'd highly reccomend that kid should have mandatory appointments with a pyschologist.

Principal Spittle: (Sighs) I'll think of something...

Scene 4: The video
(Cuts to Dad's office. He checks the time and decides to go to the cafeteria for lunch, when he gets there, he sees some people laughing at a video on the computer in there)

Mr. Grayson: Hey guys, what's so funny?

Worker 1: Oh hey Tom! You got to watch this video! Its actual footage of a kid suing his school! Its the funniest thing ever!

Worker 2: Yeah! Its already got over three million views on YouTube!

Mr. Grayson: Hmm.... That kid looks familiar....

(Shows Calvin throwing the Chair at Judge Lazarus)

Mr. Grayson: Huh, that looks like Calvin.... But I doubt its him, he would've mentioned something about suing his school.

(Cuts to Calvin's House)

Hobbes: Oh boy! Its already at ten million views and it hasn't even been up for two hours! Hello YouTube fame!

(Cuts to Principal Spittle's office)

Principal Spittle: (Watching video on his computer) Well, there goes any chance of any other school in America that will take this kid....

(Cuts back to Calvin's house, Calvin gets off the bus and storms to his room)

Calvin: (Slams open his bedroom door) I LOST!

Hobbes: Really? You lost? How?! We had such a good case built against them!

Calvin: BECAUSE SALIVAHEAD PAID OFF THE JURY AND JUDGE OSIRIS! THIS COUNTRY IS SO CORRUPT! EVERYBODY IS AGAINST ME FOR NO GOOD REASON!

Hobbes: I think there are a few reasons why everybody hates you Calvin.

Calvin: Shut up fuzzbrain. Now if you excuse me, I'm going to go on the Computer and see how many articles online there are mocking me because I lost.

Hobbes: Whatever.

(Calvin is looking online, and goes to YouTube, and notices something)

Calvin: What's this? "Stupid Kid Tries to Defend Himself in Court, Fails Miserably! (Must Watch)" What kind of video is this?

(Calvin plays it and realizes that its his trial)

Calvin: HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hobbes: Uh-oh... (Runs and hides in closet)

(Fades black, episode ends)