All Aboard the Calvin Express Transcript

Scene 1: The idea
(Episode starts with Spaceman Spiff exploring an extremely large kitchen.)

Spiff: The incredible Spaceman Spiff has made it to the Momgrogs of Planet Yuk and has broken into their kitchen! Where all the torturous meals are prepared for the innocent prisoners!

(Spiff climbs up to the Eggplant Casserole, and blasts it with his blaster)

Spiff: Spiff hurries to try and disintegrate the poison! But the Head Chef Momgrog is coming fast!

Momgrog: CCCCCCCCCCCCCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!

(Cuts to Calvin being thrown out of the house)

Hobbes: I told you that would fail.

Calvin: Shut up furball.

Hobbes: So what do you want to do now?

Calvin: I know! Lets go to the train depot and hitch on a train and become hobos!

Hobbes: That's a horrible idea.

Calvin: So you don't want to explore outside this boring place we call home, sounds like you alright.

Hobbes: But if you leave and we're gone for hours, your parents will get worried.

Calvin: Oh please, you worry to much.

Hobbes: You always say that and then you get us into something that will get us killed...

Calvin: Shut up fleabag, it will be fun!

Hobbes: Alright, I'll come, but if we get killed, your paying for my funeral costs.

Calvin: I'll only have to do that if I live and you don't you fool.

Scene 2: The train
(Cuts to the train depot)

(Shows a train pulling into a station, and the engineer hops out.)

Engineer: Alright, here's another load. How much time do I got until I got to head out?

Worker: You got about 15 minutes to kill right now, so knock yourself out.

Engineer: I'm going to sit down and have a nice cup of coffee (Walks away.)

Worker: Alright boys! Lets unload and load!

(Cuts to Calvin and Hobbes watching from behind)

Calvin: This is our chance Hobbes! Nobody is controlling the train, so now's the chance to hop on and drive the train!

Hobbes: DRIVE the train?! Oh no. Heck no. I agreed to temporarily becoming a hobo, not becoming your accomplice in your attempt to become an engineer.

Calvin: What?! I've got plenty of experience driving trains! This will be a piece of cake!

Hobbes: I hardly doubt controlling Lionel trains count. Not to mention you can use those without casuing them to derail or fly into the air with you wanting them to go super fast.

Calvin: Shut up furball. We're doing it my way. It's either my way, or the highway!

Hobbes: I'd prefer to take the highway in all honesty.

Calvin: Hey, I'll buy you some tuna after.

Hobbes: Deal!

(Cuts to Calvin and Hobbes walking up to the train)

Hobbes: Geez, how are you even going to get in?

Calvin: Simple, thorw me into the open window, then I'll open it to let you in.

Hobbes: Are you sure? Remember the last time I tried using you as a human discus?

Calvin: Oh relax, it won't be that hard.

(Shows Hobbes throwing Calvin in)

Calvin: See? Told ya. (Opens door for Hobbes)

Hobbes: So you were right, I'm impressed.

(Cuts to the station platform, where workers are still loading stuff on, when the train starts to move.

Worker 2: Hey! The train's moving!

Worker: WHAT?! It doesn't leave for another 5 minutes!

Worker 3: Stop that train!

(shows workers attempting to catch up, but the train continues to go faster.

(Cuts to Calvin and Hobbes)

Calvin: C'mon Hobbes, make it go faster!

Hobbes: I'm trying to!

Calvin: Well keep going, I want this to go as fast as possible.

(Hobbes looks out to see 5 police cars chasing after the train)

Calvin: What's with all the noise Hobbes?

Hobbes: Erm, we havea a little problem?

Calvin: What is it? (Looks out the window to see the police cars) WHAT THE?! THE COPS?! WHEN ARE THEY GONNA LEARN TO LEAVE ME ALONE?!

Hobbes: Maybe when you learn to obey the law.

Calvin: Shut up fleabag and make this go faster.

Police Chief: HEY KID! HOW ABOUT YOU STOP THAT TRAIN SO YOU CAN MAKE OUR JOBS MUCH EASIER!

Calvin: No way! Go chase someone else! We aren't doing anything wrong!

Police Chief: That's it, I'm getting him myself.

(The Police Chief gets his car near the train, then he jumps out of the car and hops onto one of the freight cars, while the other officer in his car grabs the wheel and spins out)

Hobbes: Now the Police Chief hopped on the train...

Calvin: OH COME ON! It's time we take matters into our own hands.

(Calvin swerves the train OFF THE TRACKS. The Chief falls off the train and onto a tree.)

Police Chief: Great. Now he'll die. Guess I'll call his parents. (calls Calvin's parents.)

Mrs. Grayson: Grayson residence, Anna speaking.

Police Chief: Hi, Anna. Your son, Calvin, has stolen a freight train and he has drove it off the tracks.

Mrs. Grayson: WHAT????

Police Chief: I know this is sudden, but...

(Mrs. Grayson hangs up.)

Police Chief: Why did I have to be assigned here?

Scene 3: The joyride
(Meanwhile, the train plummets to the ground.)

Hobbes: CALVIN! WE'RE GONNA DIE!

Calvin: No we won't.

(The train lands safely and drives straight into downtown Providence.)

Hobbes: WHOA!

Calvin: TRAIN JOYRIDE!!!!

(Calvin blows the train horn, and crashes several cars in the process.)

Calvin: WOO-HOO! THIS IS THE LIFE!

Hobbes: WE'RE BREAKING SEVERAL LAWS!

Calvin: Shut up, furball.

(The train drives off the freeway and lands in a parking lot. The train wrecks more cars.)

Hobbes: Ugh, thank gosh that's over.

(The train starts moving again, and zooms into the city, crashing into more cars and people running away)

Calvin: YEAH! OUTTA THE WAY SUCKERS! I'M KING OF THE ROAD!

Hobbes: WE'RE GONNA CRASH INTO CITY HALL!

Calvin: Wait what?

(The train smashes into city hall, the train is then surrounded by the Police, SWAT, FBI, and CIA.)

Hobbes: Ready to surrender quietly?

Calvin: Me? Surrender? Are you crazy Hobbes?!

Hobbes: No.

Calvin: Look furball, we don't surrender to nobody. I don't care if the President tells me to surrender, they'll have to try and get me first!

Hobbes: Then how are we gonna escape? We're surrounded!

Calvin: Hmm...

Police Chief: ALRIGHT KID! COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP! WE CAN DO THIS THE EASY WAY, OR THE HARD WAY!

Calvin: Over my dead body you tyrant!

Police Chief: Alright, lets just go get him ourselves.

(The Police Chief, some SWAT team members, and some FBI and CIA officials run up and attempt to get into the train.)

Calvin: Oh crud!

Police Chief: Cmon kid, just surrender now would ya?

Calvin: Nah, I'm good.

Police Chief: Look, I-(Gets kicked in the face by Calvin) AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!! MY FACE!

(Calvin and Hobbes run for it as everyone else is more focused on the Police Chief screaming in pain)

Calvin: There! We're home free!

Hobbes: Thank gosh, I thought we're toast. I honestly didn't want you to get arrested and get put on trial again.

Calvin: Hey, I knew what I was thinking to get out of that mess, so you can thank me.

Hobbes: By the way, where's that tuna you promised me?

Calvin: Oh! Uh, I'll get you double tomorrow I guess...

Hobbes: Sounds good to me!

(Calvin and Hobbes enter their house)

Mrs. Grayson: Oh good Calvin, your back. We were just about to have dinner.

Calvin: Okay.

Mrs. Grayson: By the way, while you were gone, I got a call from some person that said he was the Police Chief, saying that you stole a train.

Calvin: Huh! The weirdos in our country today!

(Hobbes rolls his eyes)

(Suddenly, several tires are heard screeching, as well as sirens)

Police Chief: CALVIN GRAYSON! WE HAVE THE PLACE SURROUNDED, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!

Calvin: HOW DO THEY KNOW WHERE I LIVE?!

Mrs. Grayson: WHAT DID YOU DO NOW CALVIN?!

(Hobbes sighs)

Scene 4: The Trial
(Cuts to the Courtroom, Hobbes is watching in the gallery)

Hobbes: Ugh, this is like the 3rd time in the past few weeks...

(Calvin is led in, and gives a wink to Hobbes)

Bailiff: All rise for the case of People of Providence, Rhode Island v. Grayson. With-oh he's sick today. Honorable Judge Horace Rodgers presiding.

Calvin: Darn it! And I was actually starting to like that guy!

(Hobbes facepalms)

(The Judge takes his seat at the bench)

Judge Rodgers: Alright lets see here... Mr. Grayson, how do you plead to the charges of Grand Theft Train, Alluding Authorities, Causing Destruction to City Property, and Assulting an Officer?

Calvin: Not guilty your honor! I did nothing wrong! Because, I was FRAMED!

Police Chief: OBJECTION! This kid is a filthy liar! He nearly killed me! TWICE!

Calvin: Oh shut up you big baby! You were dumb enough to come after me!

Police Chief: YOU SEE THAT?! HE JUST ADMITTED HIS GUILT!

Calvin: I DID NOT!

Hobbes: This would be good YouTube material...

Judge Rodgers: (Slams gavel) Order! Order! Mr. Grayson, please come to the stand so you can present your side of the story.

Calvin: With pleasure. Ahem, icky girls and gentlemen of the jury... It wasn't me that caused that whole mess. Because the truth is... IT WAS MY DUPLICATE!

Hobbes: Really? That's the best excuse you can come up with?

Calvin: OF COURSE IT WAS YOU MORON! STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME LOOK GUILTY!

Judge Rodgers: Erm, Mr. Grayson? Who are you talking to?

Calvin: My stupid tiger Hobbes!

(Judge sees a stuffed tiger in the gallery)

Judge Rodgers: Um, okay... Does the plaintiff have any objections?

Police Chief: Indeed I do, I have dashcam and body camera proof.

Calvin: WHAT?!

(Shows pieces of Calvin's chaos, except from the Police Cheif's point of view from his cameras)

Judge Rodgers: Interesting... Do you object Mr. Grayson?

Calvin: YES I DO! THEY DON'T GET THE FACT THAT IT WAS A DUPLICATE!

Judge: Rodgers: Mr. Grayson, I think its quite obvious that you did it. This case shall be taken to the jury.

(The jury goes into their room, then come out 30 seconds later)

Judge: Did you actually already reach a verdict that fast?

Juror: We have your honor. We the jury find Calvin Grayson guilty of all charges.

Calvin: WHAT?! ARE YOU INSANE! I WAS FRAMED! THIS IS BALONEY! I DID NOTHING! THE JURY WAS PAID OFF BY THE CHIEF!

Judge Rodgers: (Slams gavel) Enough! Mr. Grayson, since you've been found guilty of all charges, I hearby sentence you to 25 years in a maximum security prison. (Slams gavel)

Calvin: WHAT?! THIS COURTROOM IS RIGGED! I HOPE YOU LOSE YOUR JOB AND END UP LIVING ON A HOBO ON THE STREET WITH ABSOLUTLY NOTHING SO YOU CAN STARVE TO DEATH! MARK MY WORDS JUDGE RAMSES. IT WILL HAPPEN!

Judge Rodgers: And just for that, I also find you guilty of contempt of court and saying my name wrong, increasing your sentence to 45 years. Court is adjourned! (Slams gavel)

(Two guards drag Calvin out of court)

Calvin: LET GO OF ME! I'LL SUE THIS LOUSY EXCUSE FOR A COURT! I HOPE YOU GET DISBARRED JUDGE RADISH! I'LL BE OLD WHEN I GET OUT!

Hobbes: (Sighs) Well, I guess I gotta go bust him out... (Cuts to Calvin riding in the back of a paddy wagon)

Calvin: This is an outrage! This country is so corrupt! All you do is hijak a train and everyone thinks your some sort of terroist! Sheesh...

(Suddenly, Calvin is flug around the paddy wagon, eventually crashing down on the front of the door)

Calvin: GAH! That hurt! What happened?

(The door opens, and Calvin falls out)

Calvin: What the? Hobbes!

Hobbes: Yep, I busted you out. You can thank me now.

Calvin: Wow, I'm impressed, that only took you an hour and a half.

Hobbes: Is that some sort of record to you?

Calvin: Yep!

(Hobbes rolls his eyes)

Calvin: Well, we better head home.

(They see a train, and they run and hop on a frieght car)

Hobbes: We aren't gonna take over the train this time are we?

Calvin: Nah, we'll just take this to the local train depot and head home.

Hobbes: Good.

Calvin: Thanks again ol' buddy. Don't know what I'd do without you.

Hobbes: You know how you can thank me?

Calvin: How?

Hobbes: Get me five tons of tuna!

(Calvin sighs as the train heads on, and cuts to Calvin in front of a black screen.)

Calvin: Where are you going? Get right back here, because the Calvin and Hobbes Show will be right back.