Faster than a Speeding Calvin Transcript

Scene 1: The non-tryouts
(Episode starts with Calvin running away from Moe)

Calvin: AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! SOMEONE STOP THAT BIG BUFFOON!

Moe: YOUR GETTIN' IT GOOD TWINKY!

(Calvin runs into Susie, and Moe runs into them)

Moe: TIme to get a walloping of a lifetime twinky.

Calvin: NO! (Runs of, Moe chases in)

Susie: (Sighs) They'll never learn to get along..Can't say I'm surprised though.

(Cuts to track field)

Coach: Alright crew, since you've passed tryouts, run a couple laps to show me that I didn't make any mistakes.

(Students start running, but Calvin and Moe run onto the field knocking into everyone, with Moe falling, but Calvin getting through everyone and running faster than everyone else)

Coach: Woah, who's THAT kid? He's fast, and he didn't even try out.

Calvin: HELP ME!!!

Coach: Who's he running from? One thing's for sure, we could use him on the team.

Calvin: GET HIM AWAY FROM ME!

Moe: YOUR GONNA GET IT TWINKY! ONCE I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!

Calvin: NEVER!

(Calvin runs into a soccer goalpost, and Moe runs up to him)

Moe: Time for the biggest walopping you've ever gotten twinky...

Calvin: NO! (Kicks Moe in the face and runs off)

Moe: AAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!

(Calvin continues running into he runs into the coach)

Calvin: GAH!

Coach: Gee there pal. For a guy so small your pretty fast.

Calvin: Fast? What are you talking about?

Kid: (Panting) You beat all of us and your not even on the team!

Calvin: What team?

Coach: Uh.. The track team...

Calvin: Wait, we have a track team?

(Coach facepalms)

Coach: So what do you say fellas? Should we put this kid on the team?

Kid 2: Yeah, maybe we'll win a state title this year for once.

Calvin: How much do I get paid if I join?

Coach: Uh, you don't get paid...

Calvin: WHAT?! You don't get paid! What kind of track team is this?! What good could come out of me joining huh?!

Coach: Bragging rights, and being recognized.

Calvin: Hmm, a quick way to fame... I'l join! I'll make Sonic the Hedgehog look like a snail!

Coach: Great! Our first meet is this Saturday!

Scene 2: The help
(Hobbes is reading a comic book when Calvin runs in.)

Hobbes: Where were you? I waited twenty minutes for you to get home. TWENTY MINUTES!!

Calvin: I know, a walk home from school is half an hour.

Hobbes: Did Moe chase you again?

Calvin: Yeah. I got lucky this time, because I ran into the track coach, who is a woman, and she said I could join the track team.

Hobbes: What are you going to do?

Calvin: Train! That way I can win it all, then I can use it as a stepping stone to world fame, then I can use that fame to take over the world! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Hobbes: How about you try and set for fame right now, maybe not taking over the world as well.

Calvin: Yeah, your right. With all the fame I can get, I can easily get a good career as a child actor!

Hobbes: (Facepalms) So how are you going to train?

Calvin: That's where YOU come in.

Hobbes: Oh really? (Grins evilly)

Calvin: Uh oh...

(Cuts to Calvin and Hobbes outside)

Hobbes: Alright! Ready to train?

Calvin: Uh... sure?

(Hobbes pounces on Calvin)

Hobbes: You need quicker reflexes than that if you want to even win!

Calvin: WELL YOU COULD GIVE ME A CHANCE YOU FUZZBRAIN!

Hobbes: You don't get chances, you need to be ready all the time.

Calvin: Oh please, lets start again.

(Hobbes gets up, and then attempts to pounce Calvin again, but Calvin dodges him and runs off)

Calvin: Ha! Catch me if you can Hobbes!

Hobbes: Oh I'll get you!

(Calvin continues to run, but looks back and notices Hobbes has vanished, but then Hobbes comes from out of the air and lands on him)

Hobbes: It took me 1:30 to catch you, not bad if I don't say myself, but it needs improvement...

Calvin: This is a track team I'm on you flebag. I'm not going to have to worry about stuff in the air if all I'm doing it trying to outrun some chumps.

Hobbes: Well still, you should always be prepared.

Calvin: I hardly doubt something like that is going to happen.

Hobbes: Well it COULD...

Calvin: Shut up and lets call it a day.

(Cuts to the next day, Calvin is running home)

Calvin: Phew! Finally made it! (Stops timer) Hey! It only took me 25 minutes to get here when I ran the whole way home! That's improvement!

Hobbes: Good, now you'll be ready for your next challange.

Calvin: Oh hey Hobbes, so what's this next challange?

Hobbes: Oh you'll find out in a moment... Have at him!

(Killer Bicycle Appears)

Calvin: AAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! (Runs off while the Killer Bicylce chases him)

Scene 3: The first meet
(Calvin runs to the school, in his school's track uniform.)

Calvin: This better be good, coming to school on Saturday...

Hobbes: So, how are you going to run?

Calvin: Easy. Eat three bowls of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs and drink a liter of Pepsi.

Hobbes: Not the best way to stay in shape.

Calvin: Those are the things you need to run at the top speed.

Hobbes: Good luck.

Calvin: Thanks, but I don't think I'll need it.

(Hobbes rolls his eyes as Calvin runs toward his team)

Coach: Alright Calvin you're here! Ready to run!

Calvin: Yeah! I had three bowls of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs and a liter of Pepsi! I was born ready!

(The kids look at Calvin)

Calvin: Hey, you prepare your own way, I prepare my own way.

Coach: Okay then... Also, what's your last name? I need it for the roster to give to the judges.

Calvin: Calvin the Bold.

Coach: Okay... That's a different last name.

Calvin: Believe it lady. (Walks away, but then comes back) Oh yeah, what race am I doing?

Coach: Lets see your doing the (Flips through papers)

Calvin: Look, just don't give me the meters or anything, just tell me how many laps it is.

Coach: Well, its the last race of the day, its one lap around the track, that's it.

Calvin: So I have to wait all day?!

Coach: Afraid so.

(Shows a montage of various races taking place.)

Coach: Calvin. Calvin, Calvin, WAKE UP!!!

(Calvin snaps awake.)

Calvin: I'll kill you, Paul Rudd.

(Coach looks at him strangely.)

Coach: You're up for the event.

Calvin: About time.

(Calvin runs to the track.)

Coach: On your mark...get set...GO!!!

(Calvin zips through the track thanks to the energy he has from the Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs and Pepsi.)

Coach: You're good. 3.43 seconds.

Calvin: YES!!! BEAT THAT, CHUMPS!!!!

(Cuts to another meeting.)

Coach: Alright, crew. We have our first race tomorrow, and it will be here at Bill Watterson Elementary. We'll be pitted against Jim Davis Elementary. Go home, get some rest, and have fun.

Scene 4: The race
(Calvin jogs into the locker room. No one is there.)

Calvin: Huh. I must be here early.

(Calvin opens his locker to find his stash of cereal and Pepsi missing.)

Calvin: Where's the food, where's the food, where's the FOOD?

(Cut to Moe with Calvin's stash, hauling it in a wagon.)

Moe: Heh heh heh. Payback time.

(Cut to Coach.)

Calvin: Coach! Coach, someone stole my energy stuff!

Coach: OK. Have some Gatorade and Powerade. Full of energy. But save it until your event.

Calvin: Well, not my prefered way of getting energy, but alright.

(Shows a montage of all the races.)

Coach: OK, Calvin. Drink up. Your event is up.

(Calvin chugs the drinks.)

Coach: Impressive. Alright. We're tied. Impress me.

Calvin: Can do.

(Calvin is pitted up with A.J. Robinson, a seven year old.)

Announcer: And now for the final sprint between Calvin Grayson and A.J. Robinson!

Calvin: Good luck, A.J.

A.J.: Thanks. I'll need it.

Calvin: Uhh yeah. (to himself.) What a jerk.

Coach: Ready,set,GO!!!!

(Calvin is off with A.J. closing in. Suddenly, Moe spills the water tank onto the track, causing Calvin to slip and fall. A.J. wins.)

Calvin: Oww...

A.J.: I won! I won!

Calvin: WHAT???!!!!

(Calvin then sees Moe laughing.)

Calvin: You... YYYYAAAUUUGGGHHH!!!! BANZAI!!!!

(Calvin lands on Moe and the two wrestle.)

Coach: HEY! STOP FIGHTING, YOU TWO!!!

(Calvin and Moe stop wrestling.)

Announcer: Due to Calvin Grayson's actions, he is disqualified from the competition. Jim Davis Elementary wins!

Calvin: WHAT???!!! RIGGED! RIGGED!!!!!

(Cut to Coach's office.)

Coach: You gave that kid a sprained wrist! What do you have to say for yourself!

Calvin: HE SPOILED THE RACE THAT RIGHTFULLY BELONGED TO ME!!!!!

Coach: OK, Cal. I know you're upset. But you let me and the entire school down. We were close to winning!

Calvin: IF IT WASN'T FOR THAT DUMB BUTT MOE!!!

Coach: ENOUGH!!!! Calvin Grayson, you are suspended from the track team until further notice.

Calvin: FINE! BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I QUIT! I DIDN'T EVEN GET PAID!!!

(Storms off)

Coach: Thank gosh he's gone. Sheesh, he needs help.

(Cut to Calvin's room. Hobbes is reading a comic book when Calvin barges in.)

Calvin: I LOST!!! ALL BECAUSE OF MOE!!!

Hobbes: Moe does track?

Calvin: NO YOU FUZZBRAIN! HE SPILLED WATER ON THE TRACK, CAUSING ME TO SLIP AND FALL, AND SOME KID NAMED AJ WON! AND HE GOT AWAY WITH IT!

Hobbes: Ouch...

Calvin: AND ON TOP OF THAT, I GOT SUSPENDED FRMO THE TEAM! BUT I QUIT ANYWAY SINCE I DIDN'T EVEN GET PAID!

Hobbes: You mean to say that you actually expect to get paid for being on an elementary school track team? Really?

Calvin: YES! REALLY!

Hobbes: You seriously need to understand how sports work it seems.

Calvin: Oh shut up, women can't coach teams for their life anyway.

Hobbes: I think your just overreacting.

Calvin: NO I'M NOT!

Hobbes: (Sighs) He needs professional help...

Calvin: I DO NOT! (Calvin jumps on Hobbes and the two begin fighting)

(Cut to behind the school. A.J. is waiting. Moe appears.)

Moe: Nice job, A.J.

A.J.: Thanks. It was worth it, kidnapping that racer and beating Calvin.

Moe: I know. It was great!

(Moe and A.J. laugh. Fade to black.)

Voice Cast
Tom Kenny as Calvin/Kid

Owen Wilson as Hobbes/Announcer/A.J.

Jeremy Irons as Moe

Jennifer Lawrence as Susie Derkins

Special Guest Voice: Elizabeth Banks as Coach