Calvin and Hobbes' Day Off Transcript

Scene 1: The Plan
(Episode starts with Hobbes in a tuna wonderland)

Hobbes: Ah! he happiest place on earth! Full of tuna! Everywhere I look, tuna!

(Suddenly, a giant Calvin appears)

Calvin: Hey Hobbes, wake up.

Hobbes: What do you mean wake up? I'm wide awake you moron.

(Cuts to Hobbes being shoved off the bed)

Calvin: Wake up fleabag!

Hobbes: Was that really necessary?! What time is it?!

Calvin: 4:37 am.

Hobbes: What?! Wait, did I go to sleep for so long I woke up on Christmas??

Calvin: No fleabag, what gave you that impression?

Hobbes: Well, you usually get everyone up around this time or earlier on Christmas.

Calvin: True... But enough Christmas talk, I need help.

Hobbes: What did you do now?

Calvin: Nothing, I'm tired of going to school every single day of the week when I could be doing other things. That's why I'm going to take a day off like Ferris Bueller!

Hobbes: Oh boy, this will end well...

Calvin: Oh relax, nothing could possibly go wrong!

Hobbes: Every time you say that, something does.

Calvin: Oh shut up, I'm just asking you to do one thing for me.

Hobbes: Which is?

Calvin: Call the school and tell me I'm sick.

Hobbes: I'm pretty sure your Principal would love to be woken up by getting a phone call at this hour. Plus, I don't even have his number.

Calvin: Fine, just e-mail the school! That's easy enough for you shouldn't it?!

Hobbes: Yeah, that should be easy enough.

Calvin: Great! You do that, and I'm going to get some clamy palms and everything else ol' Ferris did back in the day!

(Cuts to a few hours later)

Mom: Cmon Calvin, time to get up, or your going to miss the bus.

Calvin: Ugh... I don't feel so cold (Coughs)

Mom: You were fine last night when you went to bed. What's wrong?

Calvin: I got clamy palms, and I got the chills as well.

Mom: Let me feel them. Hmm... Dear!

Dad: What is it?

Mom: Calvin's not feeling well.

Dad: Not feeling well? You were fine last night when I tucked you in after I read "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie" for the 10,931,915th time.

Mom: Dear! Just look at him! Feel his hands, they're kinda clamy.

Dad: Hmm, I see, yeah they're definitely clamy alright, and he feels pretty cold as well.

Calvin: Ugh, I'll be fine, I can go to school.

Mom and Dad: NO!

Dad: Okay, Calvin WANTING to go to school? He's sick for sure. (Looks at watch) Oh crud! I'm late for work! I gotta go! Feel better Calvin!

Mom: Oh gosh! I just remembered I'm meeting some of my friends today for our book club! Calvin, are you sure you can stay here by yourself for a little while?

Calvin: Trust me! I'll just be sleeping most of the time anyway, I should be fine later!

Mom: Alright then, you know where to call if you need anything, feel better sweetie.

(Calvin's Mom leaves)

Calvin: They bought it, one of the worst performances of my life and they still bought it!

Hobbes: Okay Ferris, lets not get too cocky here.

Calvin: Relax! You sent the e-mail right?

Hobbes: Yes.

Calvin: Then we got nothing to worry about! Hold on, let me go get dressed, then we can discuss our plans for the day!

(Calvin gets dressed.)

Calvin: OK, so I've saved up a lot of my money for this day. Since Dad is taking the bus and Mom's at the book club, we'll take the other car and drive into town.

Hobbes: Wait, we're gonna drive the car?

Calvin: Yeah, what's wrong with that?

Hobbes: You're going to get arrested for underage driving!

Calvin: Relax, you hairball, we're not going to be noticed. It's like I'm Finnick from Zootopia.

Hobbes: Yes, though you're missing the deep voice and elephant costume.

Calvin: Shut up! Then we'll go to McDonald's and get some food, and then we'll go to Cinemaworld! I got us tickets for The Disaster Artist!

Hobbes: The Disaster Artist? That movie is rated R!

Calvin: It doesn't matter. It's the only good thing that's playing.

Hobbes: There's Coco and Wonder. Both family friendly films that we could see!

Calvin: Hobbes, I've made my decision. Now, get ready for the best day ever.

Scene 2: The start of the school day, without Calvin
(The school bell rings, and cuts inside Calvin's classroom.)

Miss Wormwood: OK, Susie Derkins?

Susie: Here!

Miss Wormwood: Moe Westing?

Moe: Here.

Miss Wormwood: Nicholas MacCready?

Student: Here.

Miss Wormwood: Jackson Kelley?

Student 2: Here.

Miss Wormwood: Calvin Grayson? Calvin? Calvin? Calvin? OK, Calvin's not here. Nicholas, will you take this down to the Principal's Office?

Student: Sure.

(Cuts to Principal Spittle's Office)

Student: Here's the attendance for Miss Wormwood's class.

Principal Spittle: Ah, thank you. Let's see here... Everyone seems to be here today except... Calvin?! Hmm... Something's fishy here... Calvin is almost never sick... Something's up here...

(Principal Spittle goes on his laptop, and sees an e-mail that was written by Hobbes, which is poorly spelled)

Principal Spittle: Oh, he's definitely faking it alright... This would be SO much easier if I had their parent's numbers... I'll figure out a way to catch him...

Scene 3: The Police Chase
(Cuts to Calvin and Hobbes carefully backing the car out of the driveway)

Hobbes: I still say this is a bad idea...

Calvin: Relax Hobbes, nothing could possibly go wrong. Now slam on the gas while I steer.

Hobbes: Fine, but let me know if I'm going too fast, I don't want to go to jail.

Calvin: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just slam on it.

(The car speeds off, and drives like crazy as it heads toward downtown, it soon passes a police car)

Officer: Woah! I didn't even see how fast it was going, but I know that it was way over the speed limit! (Drives off)

(Sirens are heard)

Calvin: Uh-oh...

Hobbes: Are the police after us?! After I told you to tell me when to slow down?!

Calvin: Yes, but relax, we'll be fine.

Hobbes: Yeah right...

Officer: Stop in the name of Bill Watterson! Pull the van over!

Calvin: Over my dead body you donut-eating fatso!

Officer: WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!

Calvin: Uh, nothing!

(Calvin isn't paying attention, and the car drives over a bridge, and crashes into the city near a parking garage)

Officer: Dang it! I lost him!

Calvin: See Hobbes? Told ya we'd escape.

Hobbes: Uh, does the car still work?

Calvin: Step on the gas and see.

(Hobbes steps on the gas, and the car sputters)

Hobbes: Great, now we have no method of transportation...

Calvin: Relax Hobbes! Maybe someone at this parking garage can help us!

Person: Hey kid, the car need fixing?

Calvin: Yeah, if you fix this while we're gone all day, we'll pay you when we come back.

Person: Don't worry, I can fix anything!

Calvin: Great! See ya later!

Hobbes: So now where are we gonna go?

Calvin: Hmm... Lets try Chez Panraca!

Hobbes: That place? You need a reservation to get in!

Calvin: Relax, I got a plan...

Scene 4: The Restaurant
(Calvin and Hobbes enter)

Manager: Welcome to Chez Panraca, do you have a reservation?

Calvin: Indeed I do! Its a table for two for Abe Froman, the Sausage King of Chicago!

(Hobbes facepalms)

Manager: Kid, I'm not stupid. Even I know that trick from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Calvin: But I am! You're just making assumptions because it's the same name from a movie!

Manager: That's my point...

Calvin: Oh come on! I made this reservation months in advance! Just give me my table!

Manager: No. Now get out before I call the cops.

Calvin: Fine...

(Calvin grabs a bowl near the Manager and throws it at his face, the Manager attempts to get it off him. Calvin then runs over and grabs some leftover food from an empty table)

Calvin: FOOD FIGHT! (Throws food)

(Calvin and Hobbes flee, while the Manager attempts to catch him, but fails)

Manager: I'll get you for this kid! I will! I will!

Scene 5: The McDonald's Heist
Hobbes: So what now?

Calvin: Eh, lets just go get some McDonald's.

Hobbes: But we don't have any money!

(Calvin hands Hobbes a ski-mask and a water gun)

Hobbes: Really? We're going to hold up a McDonald's?

Calvin: We aren't looking for money! We just want food! That's not illegal is it?

Hobbes: Uh...

Calvin: Cmon, let's go rob it (Drags Hobbes inside) NOBODY MOVE! THIS IS A ROBBERY! WE DON'T WANT MONEY, WE WANT FREE FOOD! SO GIVE US SOME NOW!

Cashier: Shouldn't you be in school kid?

Calvin: THIS WATER GUN HAS PAINT IN IT! DON'T MAKE ME SHOOT!

Cashier: Okay, okay! We'll give you two of everything off the menu!

Calvin: Good! And make it snappy!

(Cuts to Calvin and Hobbes in the park eating)

Hobbes: I'm impressed. That actually worked.

Calvin: I know right? Our day has been nothing but a success so far! Nothing could ruin it!

Principal Spittle: CALVIN! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE! YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE YOUNG MAN!

Calvin: Oh crud, its Spitbrain! Run for it Hobbes!

(Calvin and Hobbes flee, with Principal Spittle chasing. After a long chase, Calvin and Hobbes manage to hide, but Principal Spittle loses control while running and hits a man who falls into a water fountain)

Principal Spittle: Oh my gosh! Sir, are you okay?!

?: Ugh, what in the world was-(Sees Principal Spittle)

Principal Spittle: Uh-oh...

Superintendent: SPPPPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Commercial Break)

Scene 6: The Superintendent
Principal Spittle: Mr. Superintendent I can explain...

Superintendent: Explain WHAT Spittle?! You literally rammed into me at full speed and knocked me into the water fountain! I'm soaked! Why on earth aren't you at school anyway?!

Principal Spittle: Why do you think?

Superintendent: Does it have to do with that kid again?

Principal Spittle: Yes...

Superintendent: What was his name again... Cleveland... Clyde... Cornellius...

Principal Spittle: Calvin.

Superintendent: Oh yeah, HIM....

Principal Spittle: You see Mr. Superintendent, I figured out he was skipping school, and I had a gut feeling he was here in downtown, and sure enough, he was. And I was trying to chase him down, but he kinda got away because of, you know...

Superintendent: Ah, makes sense... Don't worry Spittle, I'll help you track down the kid, then, we'll have the perfect excuse to expel him!

Principal Spittle: Don't you think that's too harsh?

Superintendent: He's caused enough trouble in this district, and this takes the cake! This is probably one of the worst things that kid has done!

Principal Spittle: You mean to tell me that this is worse than the Noodle Incident?

Superintendent: Well... okay, maybe I am getting ahead of myself... Cmon! Let's find that kid!

(Cuts to Chez Pancera)

Principal Spittle: Excuse me sir, did you happen to see a 6-year-old today with spiky blonde hair?

Manager: Spiky blonde hair? Hmm... Oh yeah! He came in here earlier today and claimed that he was Abe Froman!

Superintendent: The Sausage King of Chicago from Ferris Bueller's Day Off?

Manager: Yes! And I told him to leave, and then he started a food fight and caused this big mess that we're STILL trying to clean up! I gave chase to him, but he got away. But I did notice him going to Cinemaworld...

Superintendent: Say no more! To Cinemaworld!

Scene 7: The Movie Theater
(Cuts to Calvin and Hobbes at Cinemaworld watching The Disaster Artist)

Calvin: Wow! This movie rocks! Not to mention we've got the whole place to ourselves! Isn't this great Hobbes?

Hobbes: Maybe if we were watching something a little more family-friendly...

Calvin: Shut up and pass me the Popcorn and the Crispy M&M's fleabag.

(Cuts to the Superintendent and Principal Spittle getting tickets)

Attendant: Here you go, two tickets for Coco.

Superintendent: Thanks.

Principal Spittle: So you think this will work?

Superintendent: Of course it will Spittle! Sure it cost us money just to get in so we can get him, but it'll be worth it!

(They proceed to go into all the screening rooms where a movie is playing, and are unable to find Calvin, until they finally reach the one Calvin is actually in)

Principal Spittle: He has to be in this one... He's gotta...

Superintendent: Don't worry Spittle, I'm sure he'll be in this one.

(They sneak in, notice Calvin, and sneak into the row behind him)

Calvin: Woah, now this is what I'm talking about! Seeing all this R rated material when I really shouldn't be! But nobody knows the wiser because everyone else thinks I'm sick! Ha!

Principal Spittle: I wouldn't be so sure of that Calvin.

Calvin: Who said that Hobbes?

Hobbes: Uh... You might wanna turn around...

Calvin: (Turns around) Gah! What are you idiots doing here? Can't you see I'm watching a movie here?

Superintendent: Here's a better question, why aren't you in school?

Calvin: Uh... Because I had a doctor's appointment?

(Hobbes facepalms)

Principal Spittle: How about we do this the easy way Calvin, and maybe we won't expel you...

(Calvin throws his popcorn at the Superintendent's face, and he and Hobbes run for it)

Superintendent: GAH! SPITTLE! DO SOMETHING! (Accidently punches Principal Spittle)

Principal Spittle: Ow...

Superintendent: (Gets popcorn off) Oops! Sorry...

Principal Spittle: He's gone!

Superintendent: Don't worry Spittle! We'll catch him easily!

Principal Spittle: Well I tried to earlier and... you know...

Superintendent: Ah, don't worry about that! I have a foolproof plan!

(Cuts to Calvin and Hobbes running)

Hobbes: Quick! We gotta do something!

Calvin: let's go and get the car! Hopefully, that dude fixed it by now!

(Calvin and Hobbes run to the parking garage, the car is still there, but the person is sleeping near it, the two hop in and start it up)

Calvin: Step on the gas! Now! Now! NOW!

Hobbes: I'm trying! The car won't go!

Person: Huh? Hey kid! The car isn't-

(Calvin and Hobbes speed off)

Person: -fixed...

Calvin: There! Now we're home free!

(Principal Spittle pulls up right beside Calvin and Hobbes)

Principal Spittle: CALVIN! PULL THAT CAR OVER! YOU'RE GOING TO CAUSE AN ACCIDENT!

Calvin: No way Spitbrain! It'll take a miracle for you to get me!

(Calvin isn't paying attention however and crashes into a light pole)

Calvin: Oh crud...

Principal Spittle: Well, looks like its finally the end of the road for you Calvin...

(Calvin gulps)

Scene 8: The Escape Attempt
(Cuts to Principal Spittle's office)

Principal Spittle: (Takes drink of water) Well, where do we start... Oh I know! How about all the things you've done over the years!

Superintendent: Brilliant idea! Okay, so there was the Noodle Incident-

Calvin: I WAS FRAMED!

Hobbes: Says nobody but you...

Principal Spittle: Okay, besides that...

Calvin: I haven't done anything THAT bad over the years, you two idiots are overreacting!

Principal Spittle: Oh really? What about a couple months ago when you somehow managed to convice the Government that I was a North Korean spy? I almost got arrested!

Superintendent: And there was that time you let all those mice into the school....

Principal Spittle: Also when you took over the school....

Calvin: What's this gotta do with anything? Nothing!

Superintendent: Look kid, we've put up with your shenanigans for too many years...

Calvin: Sounds like a personal problem.

Principal Spittle: Let's just make this short and sweet... you're being expelled Calvin.

Calvin: WHAT?! JUST BECAUSE I SKIPPED SCHOOL?! WHAT KIND OF PRINCIPAL ARE YOU?!

Superintendent: It's not just because of that. We've put up with your antics for far too long, this is the only solution.

Calvin: WHY CAN'T YOU IDIOTS EXPEL MOE OR SUSIE?! THOSE TWO ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE THAT NEED THE BOOT! NOT ME!

Hobbes: I don't think you're helping your case with that...

Superintendent: We will alert your next school about your shenanigans.

(Calvin sprays them with a water gun and escapes.)

Principal Spittle: Acktph! Calvin get back here!

Hobbes: You're going to be in even worse trouble now!

Calvin: Oh relax, they won't catch me.

Hobbes: Well how are we going to get home?

Calvin: Uh... Tell you what, we're going to become carjackers, let's steal that car right there.

Hobbes: Are you sure this will work?

Calvin: Relax, with me behind the wheel, nothing could possibly go wrong!

(Calvin and Hobbes break in the car, start it up, and attempt to drive away, but they end up crashing into another car and into the school.)

Hobbes: "Nothing could possibly go wrong!"

Calvin: Well YOU were the one doing the petals. So this is YOUR fault! Not mine!

(Principal Spittle and the Superintendent come out to see the mess)

Superintendent: Our cars! They're ruined! And I just spent 200 bucks last week getting it fixed up a little!

Principal Spittle: CALVIN! Get out of that car right this second!

Hobbes: Well, ready to admit defeat?

Calvin: I got to think of a way I can get out of this mess...

Hobbes: Eh, it's pretty hopeless at this point.

Calvin: Oh please, I never admit defeat! Never! (Calvin and Hobbes back the car out, only to crash into a light pole, which crashes into the school as well, and they quickly speed off)

Principal Spittle: Call the cops. I've just about had it with this nonsense...

Superintendent: I'm pretty sure other districts don't have to put up with this....

Calvin: Ha! Ha! We're home free now! Now all we gotta do is-

(Police Sirens are heard)

Calvin: Oh come on!

Hobbes: It never fails, you can't ever keep out of trouble with the law...

Calvin: Oh shut up furbrain, you're technically my accomplice!

Hobbes: Yeah, against my will.

Calvin: You could quit whining and help me think of a way to get the cops off my trial.

Hobbes: That's easier said than done.

(Calvin thinks)

Calvin: Alright, I got an idea.

Hobbes: Which would be what?

(Calvin slams the brakes on the car, causing the police cars to go flying past in and crashing into each other, at which point Calvin turns the car around and turns onto another street)