Calvin for President Transcript

Scene 1: The voting
(Episode starts with Calvin looking bored in the school auditorium)

Barack Obama: And so, I'd like to encourage all of you to get involved in government-like activities at school, as it can lead to successful careers in the future.

Calvin: (Mubling) Sure it will.

Susie: Be quiet Calvin, President Obama is right you know.

Calvin: I'd be interested if he had become President by force, not by a boring ol' election.

Susie: Well we live in a Democracy Calvin, that's why.

Calvin: But living in a democracy is boring! A Dictatorship is better!

Susie: (Sarcastic) Sure it is...

(Cuts to Calvin walking in the hallway at the end of the day)

Calvin: Ugh, what a boring day as always. (Notices people huddled at a table) What's going on?

(Cuts to students signing up for Student Council elections)

Obama: Keep it coming children! This will be a great election in politics for you all!

(Eventually, Calvin gets up to sign up)

Calvin: Let's see here..Oh! I know! Hee hee hee hee! (Scribbles name down)

Obama: And what did you sign up for young man?

Calvin: I signed up for President! That way, I can use that as a stepping stone to take over the world! And then I can overthrow you, and then I'll change this country into a Dictatorship under me! The world will soon be mine! BWHAHAHAHAHA!

(Shows Calvin walking away laughing manically with several students looking at him.)

(Shows Principal Spittle walking up to Barack Obama)

Mr. Spittle: I heard manical laughter, what did that kid do this time?

Obama: All he did was sign up to run for Student Council President, and then he said that he was going to use that position to take over the world and overthrow me.

Mr. Spittle: Good grief, I greatly apoloize Mr. Obama, he makes this school look bad, contstantly.

Obama: It's all good Principal Spittle, he seems to be a very interesting person. Come to think of it, I think I've heard about that kid before. Wasn't he the one that caused the Noodle Incident?

(Principal Spittle Groans.)

Scene 2: The planning
(Cuts to Calvin walking up to his house.)

Calvin: (Opens Door) I'M HOME!

(Hobbes Pounces him)

Calvin: I really wish you could greet me in a more civilized manner...

Hobbes: Ah, your just a big sissy.

Calvin: Yeah? Try saying that to me when I rule this country and you'll be rotting in Alcatraz.

Hobbes: (Groans) What stupid plan are you doing now that will supposively make you rule the world?

Calvin: Well Hobbes, it quite simple really. I'm running for Student Council President, and once I win that, I can use that as a stepping stone to world domination!

Hobbes: Well you got to win it first.

Calvin: Well duh, that's where you come in.

Hobbes: Nah, I'm good.

Calvin: If you help me win I'll make you my Vice Dictator when I take over the world.

Hobbes: How about if you make Tiger's the official animal of the world as well?

Calvin: Deal! Now come on! There's posters to make! Propaganda to create! And Ads that criticize the people running against me!

(Calvin and Hobbes go to Calvin's Room, and a montage is shown of them creating numerous things for Calvin's election. Shows a montage of campaigning throughout the school, cuts to school auditorium)

Scene 3: The debate
Mr. Spittle: And now we will have our three Presidential candidates debate, so it can help our undecided voters who they should vote for.

(Calvin, Suise, and Moe walk on stage and sit down)

Mr. Spittle: Here is the first question, what would you do first as Student Council President

Susie: Well I woul-(Gets cut off by Calvin)

Calvin: SEND THESE TWO CHUMPS TO SIBERIA OR ALCATRAZ!

Moe: Who you callin' a chump twinky? (Shows fists)

Calvin: ME! THAT'S WHO YOU BIG GALOOT! (Throws water balloon at Moe and hits him)

Moe: Oh, your gettin' it now twinky. (Charges at Calvin)

(Calvin tosses a chair, and the two begin to fight, and everyone runs out of the auditorium screaming)

Susie: STOP THAT YOU LUNATICS! (Grabs rope and manages to tie Calvin and Moe up)

Calvin: Get this big gorilla off me!

Moe: Get this twinky off me so I can beat him up!

Susie: Not until you two ninnies promise you won't beat each other up!

Calvin: Fine, fine. Just get me untied.

(Cuts to Principal Spittle hiding back stage watching Susie untie Calvin and Moe)

Principal Spittle: Hopefully that solidfies this election for Susie, only one could tell what would happen if Calvin or Moe won...

(Cuts to Calvin's Room)

Calvin: (Pacing Room) What am I going to do? What am I going to do?!

Hobbes: Beats me, I wasn't the one who blew it by deciding it was a good "strategy" to attack your opponenets.

Calvin: Well isn't what politicians do nowadays anyway?

Hobbes: Well, its not like this is the WWE...

Calvin: WWE is rigged Hobbes, all that baloney is staged. Now help me figure out how to win this thing, the election is tommorrow.

Hobbes: Well, I suppose you could give out small pieces of candy or something.

Calvin: No way, I'm not wasting my own money that I don't have on that. There has to be an easier way. (Thinks and grins evilly) I got it! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Hobbes: I'm not going to even ask...

Scene 4: The results
(Cuts to Principal Spittle's office the next day)

(Principal Spittle is seen working on papers when the door knocks)

Mr. Spittle: Come in.

Student: Here's the tallied votes Principal Spittle.

Principal Spittle: Excellent. (Grabs PA System and opens envelope.) Good afternoon teachers and students. I have the results in my hand for this years Student Council Election. And your Treasurer is...Ryan! Your Secretary is...Ben! Your Vice President is...Lucas! And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, Your President of the Student Council for this year is...CALVIN?!

Miss Wormwood: WHAT?!

Susie: WHAT?!

Moe: HUH?!

Calvin: I won! I actually won! GET READY SUCKERS! BECAUSE THE REIN OF CALVIN IS ABOUT TO BEGIN! BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!

(Commercial Break)

(Cuts to Calvin's Room)

Hobbes: You won? Just how?

Calvin: By my amazing skill, isn't it obvious?

Hobbes: You rigged it didn't you...

Calvin: Me? Rig it? Heck no! I don't know how to rig an election.

Hobbes: Well,what are you going to do first?

Calvin: Wait and see,pal. Wait and see...

Scene 5: The requirements
(Cuts to Principal Spittle's Office the next day)

(Knock)

Principal Spittle: Come in.

(Calvin enters)

Principal Spittle: Oh, Calvin. It's you. I assume this is about your Student Council Presidency...

(Calvin tosses a contract at Principal Spittle that goes out the door)

Principal Spittle: Oh brother...

Calvin: This is basically all the requrements you must abide by with me as President of the Student Council.

(Calvin hands him a pen)

Principal Spittle: Okay, okay.

(Mr.Spittle signs the contract and hands it back to Calvin)

Calvin: Thank you, now clear out your office, because this is MY office now.

Principal Spittle: WHAT?! Calvin, I'm the Principal of this school, I have more authority than the President of the Student Council.

Calvin: Obviously you didn't read the contract, read Section 9.

(Mr.Spittle grabs the contract)

Principal Spittle: Section 9, the Principal will have to hand over his entire office and allow the President to have unlimited power. Failure to abide will cause the President to make sure the Superintendent fires the Principal. WHAT?! This is outrageous! Calvin you don't even know who the Superintendent is!

Calvin: I have his phone number.

Principal Spittle: (Groans) I'll clear my stuff out...

(Cuts to Principal Spittle working in the Teacher's Lounge, alone)

Scene 6: The reign
Calvin: (On PA System) Attention! I have good news, lots of them actually. First off, all the teachers have all won free cruises to the Bahamas!

(Cuts to all the teachers running out of the school)

Calvin: Next off, I am declaring the other elective positions null and void, as I am now the Supreme Dictator of the School, and they're will be many changes. For starters, instead of the name being Bill Watterson Elementary School, this school will now be named the School of Calvin! Second, all the meals served at lunch time will feature Burgers from McDonald's and Pizza from Cumberland House of Pizza and Little Casears, and I'm buying a Coke Freestyle machine so you people can choose what you want to have to drink.

(Cuts to Principal Spittle banging his head)

Principal Spittle: This is NOT happening... This is just not happening right now...

(Cuts back to Calvin speaking on the PA System)

Calvin: Also, since all the teachers are gone, just have the braniest person in your class teach so I don't have to pay for subsitutes.

(Cuts to Miss Wormwood's Classroom)

Susie: So I guess that means me...

Student: Pretty much.

(Cuts back to Calvin)

Calvin: Also, I am adding people to control the halls, which will be Moe and his moron friends, so they have the right to steal your lunch money.

(Cuts to Moe)

Moe: He he he he...

(Cuts back to Calvin)

Calvin: And, I'm hiring body guards, a construction crew, and doing a bunch of other things I don't know of yet, so yeah, have a good rest of your day! (Grabs phone in the office and dials home)

(Cuts to Calvin's House, and cuts to Hobbes watching TV)

Hobbes: Ah, so nice to stay home and watch shows Calvin doesn't understand why I like them. Since I mean, if he found out that I really only watch Pokemon for the Amourshipping, he'd expel me from G.R.O.S.S. for sure.

(Phone rings)

Hobbes: Oh brother, what did he do this time...(Picks up the phone) Grayson Residence, this is Calvin's father, what did the stupid kid do this time?

Calvin: I know its you Hobbes, nice try.

Hobbes: Calvin?! What are you doing?

Calvin: Nothing much, I just finished declaring my self Supreme Dictator of the School.

Hobbes: (Facepalms) Oh brother...

Calvin: What are you doing?

Hobbes: Uh...nothing.

Calvin: Okay great! So I need you to go to the computer and buy some stuff of some sites for me.

Hobbes: Uh, okay...

(Cuts to show a montage of changes being made to the school, and Calvin abusing his power greatly,etc.)

Scene 7: The new plan
(Cuts to Principal Spittle in the Teacher's Lounge)

Principal Spittle: This is awful, its been 2 weeks and Calvin's pretty much ruined the school! He made the school anthem a song dedicating himself, he's caused several illnesses from the food and drink he's been getting for lunch, he's basically placed anyone who goes against him in a room for the whole day, and he's just ruined this school! What to do, what to do...

(Lightbulb appears over his head)

Principal Spittle: I got it! I'll call the Superintendent! (Dials number on cell phone)

Superintendent: (On phone) Hello, you have reached the Superintendent. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm on vacation in the Bahamas for 3 weeks, so if you have a problem, go to the school board until I get back, thank you! (Beep)

Principal Spittle: Gosh darn it. Hmm, I got it!

Scene 8: The fall of Calvin
(Cuts to the outside of "The Dictator's Office" with a bodyguard guarding the door)

Principal Spittle: May I speak to the Supreme Dictator Calvin by chance?

Bodyguard: Certainly, follow me.

(Cuts to Calvin at his desk reading comic books)

Calvin: (Looks up) Dare I ask what you need? And make it quick.

Principal Spittle: I need the key for "The Room".

Calvin: Oh, okay. (Tosses key to Principal Spittle)

Principal Spittle: Thanks. (Runs out of office)

(Cuts to "The Room" with students at desks writing "I will not disobey the great Calvin" twenty million times, as it is insturcted on the blackboard)

Moe: This is stupid, I'm not doing what the twinky is forcing us to do, I'm just going to watch the TV that they put in here.

(Cuts to TV)

Calvin: (Voice) You are about to watch a re-run on Calvin TV.

Moe: Whatever, I just want to be entertained.

Calvin: (Voice) You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Calvin the Bold. The people are real, the cases are real, the ruling are final. Judge Calvin. Today on Judge Calvin, Susie Derkins is charged with being a threat to Supreme Dictator Calvin's rule.

(Cuts on TV to a classroom looking like a courtroom)

Calvin: (On TV) So Miss Derkins, you are charged with being a threat to my rule, how do you plead?

Susie: (On TV) Not Guilty! This is ridiclous Calvin! I only asked to get something in return for having to teach Miss Wormwood's class! Teaching isn't easy you know!

Calvin: (On TV) Hey! Just for that outuburst, I find you guilty on all charges and herby sentence you to life in "The Room"!

Susie: (On TV) What?!

Calvin: (Voice) This has been another brilliant installment of Judge Calvin.

Moe: No wonder twinky has no friends.

(Cuts to Principal Spittle opening the door)

Everyone: Principal Spittle!

Principal Spittle: Listen up everyone! Calvin's rule ends today! Go around and explain everything to anyone Calvin hired! Hurry!

(Cuts back to Calvin reading comic books)

Calvin: What's all the noise? Sounds like a rebellion is taking place.

(Susie and Moe bust into Calvin's office)

Calvin: WHAT ARE YOU TWO CHUMPS DOING HERE?! I THOUGHT I SENTENCED YOU BOTH TO LIFE IN THE ROOM!

(Calvin charges at them, but is pinned down by Moe)

Calvin: GET OFF ME THIS INSTANT! YOU HAVE NO POWER!

Susie: Too late Calvin, your time in office is over.

Calvin: What do you mean?

Moe: The Principal busted us all out.

Calvin: WHAT?! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

(Principal Spittle walks in)

Principal Spittle: The two of them are right Calvin, your time is done. You've got a whole lot of explaining to do to me, oh, and I also called your parents.

(Cuts to outside of school where Calvin's parents are pulling into the parking lot)

Calvin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Dad: (Sighs) I don't even WANT to know what he did this time... (Looks at School of Calvin sign and Calvin statue) Good grief...

(Cuts to Calvin in what was formerly "The Room)

Calvin: This is an outrage! Stripped of my title, banned from competing in any election again since they found out I rigged it, Susie and Moe are the Co-Presidents, and I get an in-school suspension for the rest of the year! This is an outrage! Now I have to spend my days at this institution writing long and pointless papers and essays!

(Calvin grabs paper)

Calvin: Write a three page paper on why a Democracy is better than a Dictatorship?! IIIIIIIIIIIIII HHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YYYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU PPPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(Cuts to Principal Spittle's Office and he chuckles at Calvin's outburst, and the episode ends)

Voice Work
Tom Kenny as Calvin

Owen Wilson as Hobbes

Jennifer Lawrence as Susie

Jeremy Irons as Moe

Tom Cruise as Mr. Spittle

Kathryn Hahn as Miss Wormwood

Paul Rudd as Mr. Grayson

Special Guest Voice: Barack Obama as himself

Special Guest Voice: Dennis Quaid as the Superintendent