The Bully Battle transcript

This is the transcript for The Bully Battle.

Scene 1: Attack of the Six-Foot Six-Year-Old
(Open to the yard of Calvin's school. Calvin is being chased by Moe.)

Calvin: HEEEEEEEELP!!

Moe: NO ONE'S GONNA HELP YOU, TWINKY! YOU'RE DEAD MEAT!

Calvin: BUT I DON'T WANNA BE DEAD MEAT!

(He trips on a rock and Moe grabs him, throws him into the air, and punches him into a rack of baseball bats.)

Calvin: Ouch...

(Moe runs over and starts beating up Calvin with a bat. The recess bell rings. Calvin staggers into the classroom, dirty, bruised, and bleeding.)

Mrs. Wormwood: CALVIN! What have you been getting up to?!

Calvin: N-nothing... Moe did... (falls over)

Mrs. Wormwood: Stop being so dramatic and clean yourself up! You'll get the books and desks dirty!

Susie: But Mrs. Wormwood, he's bleeding.

Mrs. Wormwood: And he has no one to blame but himself for getting into scrapes like this!

(Calvin crawls out to the drinking fountain and several kids laugh at him.)

Moe: Can I go to the bathroom?

Mrs. Wormwood: Okay, but hurry up.

(Moe leaves the classroom and goes to the drinking fountain, where Calvin is recuperating.)

Moe: (grabs Calvin) Hey Twinky, want to see if there's an afterlife? Tell me after you starve.

(He shoves Calvin into his locker and leaves.)

Calvin: HEY! LEMME OUTTA HERE!

(He bangs on the door repeatedly, then winces.)

Calvin: Ow... I think that jerk dislocated my wrist again. (sighs) I can't get out of here. But Spaceman Spiff can!

(The locker turns into an alien dungeon and Calvin becomes Spiff.)

Calvin: Spaceman Spiff, Conqueror of the Cosmos, is being held prisoner by sinister Zarches! Little do they do that our hero has concealed a tiny atom blaster in his utility belt! (shoots at the bars) Zounds! The bars are surprisingly resilient! Our hero decides to recall his ship in order to escape!

(Spiff pulls a remote control out of his pocket and hits the button. A few seconds later, the ceiling of the hallway outside the cell is destroyed by a missile. Spiff's ship descends through the hole and uses a laser cutter to free him. Cut back to reality. The custodian has released Calvin.)

Custodian: Hey kid, school's over. You shouldn't be here.

Calvin: ZOUNDS! A Zarch! My atom blaster should do the trick! (snaps a rubber band against the custodian's leg)

Custodian: OW! That's it, kid, I'm calling your parents!

Calvin: The Zarch proves resilient! Our hero jumps into his ship! (runs away)

Scene 2: Calvin's Idea
(Calvin walks back to his house and opens the door, out of breath.)

Calvin: I'M.. pant, pant... HOME!

(Hobbes pounces on him.)

Hobbes: You're HOME! Now we can DO things again!

Calvin: (with miniature spaceships circling his head) Oh, look, a friendly Zarch!