Calviness Transcript

Scene 1: The Cereal Issue
(Episode starts with Calvin eating Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs)

Calvin: Ah! The only thing better than a 6th bowl of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs, is a 7th bowl of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs!

Hobbes: Ugh! You're gonna make yourself sick with another bowl of that junk!

Calvin: Oh please Hobbes, I've been having Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs for years! Nothing could possibly happen!

(Calvin takes a bite, looks sick, and then passes out)

Hobbes: Er Calvin? You okay? Calvin? Calvin?

(Fades into the first fantasy)

Scene 2: The Car Rap ft. Instructor Moesulini
Calvin: Ugh... GAH! WHERE AM I? WHAT IS THIS STRANGE HAPPY LANDSCAPE?!

Moe: Hey! You! Twinky!

Calvin: Moe?! You're here to?!

Moe: I don't know who this Moe is you speak of. I'm Instructor Moesulini.

Calvin: Instructor Moesulini?! (Laughs hysterically)

Moe: You know, if you quit laughing, I can give you my offer.

Calvin: Which is what?

Moe: A chance to take a drivers' test and get your license.

Calvin: Really? I want in!

Moe: Okay, but it ain't easy. You got to get down, to a sick rap!

Calvin: Uh, okay?

(Moe snaps his fingers, and they are suddenly driving down the road in a car, which the hood of flies off, music starts playing)

Calvin: WHAT THE?!

Moe: Alright, we're here. Just sitting in a car, I want you to show me if you can get far.

Calvin: The car is moving on its own you know right?

Moe: Now step on the gas!

Calvin: What's the point if its going?!

Moe: JUST STEP ON IT!

Calvin: Fine... (Steps on the gas)

Moe: Now step on the brakes!

Calvin: We're gonna cause an accident with this moronic driving!

Moe: Just do it!

Calvin: FINE! (Steps on the brakes)

Moe: When I say boom boom boom you say bam bam bam! No pause in between come on lets jam!

Calvin: WHAT?! THIS IS MAKING NO SENSE WHATSOEVER!

Moe: Step on the gas and turn to the right!

Calvin: Okay... (Calvin does so and nearly causes an accident)

Moe: Now step on the gas and turn to the left!

(Calvin does so and causes a big car crash, and Moe flies out of the car, due to their being no windows)

Calvin: I knew I shouldn't of trust Moe wearing a police officer's uniform.

(Fades into the next fantasy)

Scene 3: Steamed Hams but its Spittle and the Superintendent
(Superintendent rings doorbell)

Superintendent: Well Spittle, I made it. Despite the directions you sent me.

Principal Spittle: Ah! Mr. Superintendent, welcome! I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon!

Superintendent: This better be good Spittle! I'm starving!

(Superintendent sits down while Principal Spittle goes to the kitchen, only to see the oven burning)

Principal Spittle: Oh no! (Grabs fire extinguisher and puts out the fire) Phew! But now I have no food to serve! Hmm... But what if... I ran to McDonald's and disguised it as my own cooking? Oh, ho ho ho, delightfully devilish Samuel.

(Principal Spittle opens window and starts getting out of it, before the Superintendent comes in, causing the "Spittle and the Superintendent theme to play)

Spittle with his crazy explinations,

the Superintendent is gonna need his medication, 

when he hears Spittle's lame exaggerations there'll be trouble in town tonight!

Superintendent: SSSPPPPPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

Principal Spittle: Oh! Mr. Superintendent! I was just uh, stretching my calves on the windowsill for some isometric exercise! That's all!

Superintendent: Why is there foam all over your oven Spittle?

Principal Spittle: Oh, its just for our Steamed Hamburgers that are cooling down, it does that!

Superintendent: Eh, whatever. Hurry up with them, I'm hungry! (Leaves)

Principal Spittle: Phew! (Runs to get the food)

(Cuts to the Kitchen)

Principal Spittle: Here's the Hamburgers I promised Mr. Suprintendent!

Superintendent: Good! I'm hungry!

(The two eat quietly, cuts to Principal Spittle's front door)

Superintendent: Well Spittle, you may be an odd fellow occasionaly, but I must say, you steam a good hamburger.

(Leaves, fades into the next fantasty)

Scene 4: Hotel Calvin
(Cuts to Calvin and Hobbes, wearing overalls similar to Mario and Luigi, walking into the Watterson Kingdom, Moe appears over a wall and laughs evilly)

Calvin: I can't believe Princess Susie invited us over for a stupid picnic huh Hobbes?

Hobbes: I hope she made lotsa tuna!

(Calvin glares at Hobbes)

Calvin: You aren't italian fuzzbrain...

Hobbes: I can't act like it for two seconds?

Calvin: No, because then the idiots in this kingdom would think you're insulting italians.

Hobbes: Whatever...

Calvin: Hobbes! Look! (Goes over and picks up a piece of paper) Its from Moe!

Hobbes: What could he be up to now?

Calvin: Dear feeble fighters, my Dad and I have taken over the Watterson Kingdom. The Princess is now a permanent guest at one of our 7 Scientist Hotels. I dare you to find her if you can! (Pause) Yeah, no. Who cares about that dumb Princess anyway? I have better things to do with my life like trying to take over this pathetic kingdom. You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do! I'm going to take over the Watterson Kingdom and make myself king! Moe can keep the Princess!

Hobbes: And YOU gotta help us!

Calvin: Oh no! No way am I going to trust some random idiot with this plan. Cmon, lets check the enclosed instruction book in our house on how to take over the kingdom.

Scene 5: Claw and Order: SGVU
Narrator: In the criminal justice system devised by some hyperactive six year old, crimes commited by slimy girls are considered especially heinous-

Calvin: WE GET IT! MOVE ON TO THE SHOW!

Narrator: Fine...

(Cuts to a Police Precinct)

Calvin: I can't BELlEVE I'm under investigation for mishandling cases! I'm the best cop that the Slimy Girls Victims Unit has ever had!

Hobbes: I hate to rain on your parade, but you've actually never completed a successful case.

Calvin: So what?! We're going to solve this next case, and I'll be off scot free!

Hobbes: Sure you will...

(Cuts to the park, Calvin and Hobbes are hiding behind a tree, and notice Susie walking through with a lacrosse stick)

Calvin: Aha! Perfect proof she was the one that gave that Scientist guy a concussion!

Hobbes: Did you even look at the case file? He was attacked with a hockey stick.

Calvin: So what?! Close enough! Time to make an arrest!

(Cuts to the interrogation room)

Calvin: JUST TELL ME WHY YOU DID IT!

Susie: FOR THE LAST TIME, I WAS GOING TO MY LACROSSE PRACTICE!

Calvin: BALONEY! CONFESS!

(Hobbes sighs, cuts to the courtroom)

Judge: Based on the lack of evidence the defense has given, and the prosecution even refusing to prosecute this case, I hearby drop all charges.

Calvin: WHAT?!

Hobbes: Told ya so....

Calvin: SHUT UP! (Calvin and Hobbes start fighting)

Judge: Bailiff, just get those two away from my courtroom...

(Cuts to next fantasty)

Scene 6: Who Wants to be a Calvinaire?
Calvin: Welcome back to Who Wants to be a Calvinaire! Our next contestant is Moe!

Moe: Heh heh, lets do this twinky.

Calvin: Alright first question: Who is the Dictator for Life of G.R.O.S.S.? Your options are Calvin, Calvin, Calvin, and Calvin.

Moe: Uh, these are all the same response twinky...

Calvin: JUST PICK ONE!

Moe: Alright! Uh... I'll go with the 2nd one.

Calvin: Sorry! But the correct answer was Calvin! Better luck next time! You leave with absolutley nothing! Ha! What a dumbo!

(Moe starts beating up Calvin)