The Photo Man Transcript

Scene 1
(Shots of Calvin's backyard,covered in snow. Cut to Calvin,who is making snowmen with signs saying "THE END IS NEAR! and "SPRING IS COMING" Hobbes comes out of the house,wearing a scarf.)

Hobbes: This doesn't look like spring coming,Calvin.

Calvin: That doesn't matter. I don't plan on showing these to the general public until all the snow's melted.

Hobbes: But when that happens,the snow will have melted.

Calvin: That's where this comes in.

(Calvin sprays the snowmen with the hose. Hobbes rolls his eyes. Then Calvin drops the hose,and pulls a tarp out of the garage.)

Hobbes: You just going to leave them there?

Calvin: Heck no! You're going to help me heave these frozen statues to a safe place!

Hobbes: I am?

Calvin: We'll put it in the garage for the rest of the winter.

Hobbes: Calvin,snow like that won't come off the ground without breaking.

Calvin: Hobbes,it's snow. How heavy can it be?

Hobbes: Calvin,let's put this into perspective. One book with about 50 pages is light. 15,000 books,each with 50 pages,are impossible to pick up. It took a lot of snowflakes to build these snowmen.

Calvin: You're comparing my snowmen to books? You're crazy. Go get the wagon.

(Hobbes sighs,and pulls the wagon out of the garage.)

Calvin: Now help me.

(Calvin and Hobbes pull at the frozen snow. It doesn't budge.)

Calvin: Pull...harder...

(After hard pulling, there's a loud CRUNCH!)

Calvin: Good. Now put it in the wagon.

Hobbes: Calvin, open your eyes.

(Calvin opens his eyes. He sees the snowman has cracked.)

Calvin: Place it carefully back down.

(The two place one half of the snowman on top of the other. Then Calvin sprays it with the hose to let it glue together)

Hobbes: Well, that won't work. Let's go watch TV.

Calvin: Not so fast! Little old Calvin has many tricks up his sleeve.

Hobbes: Egad! Did you just talk in fourth person?

Calvin: Come on Hobbes,. I want to show you something.

Scene 2
(Calvin starts to walk away and the mailman pulls up to Calvin's house. The mailman carries a package to the house. Mom and the mailman talk about the package and go their separate ways.)

Calvin: Shall I do it?

Hobbes: Even if I said no you'd still do it.

Calvin: Correct.

(Calvin runs into the house.)

Calvin: WHAT IS IT? I DEMAND TO KNOW!

Mom: I bought you a camera.

Calvin: Really? A camera? COOL!

(Calvin jumps up and down as Mom cuts off the strings on the box.)

Mom: Now be careful with it. It's very fragile.

(Calvin rips the camera out of the box. And admires it. He runs outside.)

Calvin: Hobbes, stand on your head and bug your eyes out!

(Hobbes does so.)

Calvin: Wait! I have another idea! With this camera, I can spy on people!

Hobbes: How so?

Calvin: Listen to this! If we can somehow make it so that these things can sense movement and such, we could make it so that we could spy on some of the people on this block!

Hobbes: How are you going to do that?

Calvin: If I can make a time machine and a duplicator, I can make a motion sensor, can I?

Hobbes: One would suppose so...

Scene 3
(Shows a montage of Calvin working on the camera. Cut to a bright May day. Hobbes walks up to Calvin, who is near a bush.)

Hobbes: So, how'd you do it?

Calvin: Well, Dad showed me a timer on the thing. I can make it so that it takes a picture at a certain time? But I can't do anything else with it.

Hobbes: Huh. You spent three months trying to master a timer?

Calvin: Come on.

(Calvin and Hobbes rush next door to Susie's house.)

Calvin: Susie's usually over here playing at two o'clock, so I'll set it off to go off then and then for  2:05 and 2:10 and...

Hobbes: Why do you want to get pictures of Susie playing?

Calvin: Because there's a chance we could use it as evidence if we ever sue her, now move. (Hobbes moves, and Calvin puts the camera in the bush. They run to their house. Calvin looks out his bedroom window.)

Calvin: This will be perfect, Hobbes. Slimy girls in their natural habitat. This will go straight into the G.R.O.S.S. Database so we'll know what we'll be facing in the future.

Hobbes: Mmmm.

Calvin: Give me that! (swipes comic book away from Hobbes.)

(Calvin and Hobbes run outside.)

Calvin: OK. Prepare for the ultimate spy picture!

Hobbes: Ah, yes. The almighty spy on a bush technique.

(Reveal the pictures, which are just leaves.)

Calvin: OK, maybe I put the camera too far into the bush! There's always tomorrow.

(The Mission Impossible main theme begins to play. Calvin takes a rope from the garage and hangs the camera from a tree. Shows pictures of upside down birds. Next, Calvin places it atop Susie's house. Shows pictures of tree leaves. The song ends.)

Scene 4
(Cut to Calvin's room, where Calvin is sleeping. He jolts awake. Calvin nudges Hobbes.)

Hobbes: Why, yes, I would like some...zzzzz...cookies. Back the truck up into my garage...zzzzz...I'll go get my...zzzz...slave... Oh, Calvin?

(Calvin's eyes go wide.)

Calvin: Wake up, fuzzball.

Hobbes: Tuna?

Calvin: GET UP!

(Hobbes jumps.)

Hobbes: CALVIN! It's one o'clock in the morning!

Calvin: We must prepare! Now shut up, and get up.

(Calvin and Hobbes make a secret code, get walkie talkies, memorize the secret code, think about what to do next, and then they make paper hats for Operation Spy on the Slimy Girl. Calvin stands by a tree near the sidewalk.

Calvin: Fanged Terror? Ging the flopping ping dong with extra mayo and 4001.

Hobbes: Are we speaking in secret code?

Calvin: Yes!

Hobbes: Oh, OK. Ten thousand teddy bears brush their teeth with applesauce.

Calvin: Peanut butter sandwiches are slightly higher west of Mount Rushmore.

Hobbes: If you took the cat out of catastrophe the motor wouldn't start without peanut butter.

Calvin: Zebras wear stripes, but you couldn't spot a leopard with a spy glass!

Hobbes: There are no pully bones in a chicken sandwich.

Calvin: When the sun rises in the east, the biscuits rise in the oven with the yeast!

Hobbes: Mumbo Jumbo!

Calvin: Jumbo Mumbo!

Hobbes: Mumbo hocus-pocus!

Calvin: What happened to Jumbo?

Hobbes: Jumbo hocus-pocus!

Calvin: Wait, shhhhh! Susie's coming outside!

Hobbes: I thought we were speaking in code. And I was having a lovely conversation.

Calvin: Shut up!

(Susie walks outside with her doll set, and sets them up like a tea party.)

Calvin: Code yellow.

(Hobbes climbs down from a tree near Susie. Calvin snaps a photo of tthe tea party.)

Calvin: Perfect for advertising.

(Calvin takes a picture of Susie setting up dolls at the table.)

Calvin: Excellent example of a slimy girls behavior in the wild!

(Hobbes is sitting on the porch, reading a comic book. Calvin takes out a notepad.)

Calvin: Bred in the wild, this creature known to us only as the girl, is performing a strange ritual. She appears to be sacrificing a doll to their god, Sli-me.

(Hobbes now eats a peanut butter and honey sandwich. Then Calvin decides to wrap it up, when he sees a spider.)

Calvin: Shoo! Go sit on a tuffet or something. Go bother Little Miss Muffet!

(The spider doesn't move.)

Calvin: Why don't you go bother Susie? She'll respect you.

(The spider doesn't move. Calvin tries to blow the spider off. It hangs on.)

Calvin: You dumb insect! MOVE!

(The spider doesn't move.)

Calvin: You better leave, or I'll get my dad's shampoo!

(Susie looks up. Calvin doesn't notice.)

Calvin: How am I supposed to spy on the wildlife with THIS THING on my observation pad?

(Susie is stalking Calvin. Calvin puts the notes down, and raises his foot.)

Calvin: OK, buddy, you asked for it!

Susie: GEEEEEYYYYYYYYAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

(Susie takes the pictures, rips them up, and kicks the camera to bits. Then Susie goes in. Hobbes walks up.)

Calvin: I can't believe she did that!

Hobbes: Well, she is private about her alone plays.

Calvin: How do you know that?

Hobbes: Well, for one thing, she destroyed your camera. And when someone else destroys your thing before you do, that might be a little suspicious.

Calvin: How could anyone stand doing this?

Hobbes: Well, Calvin, I hate to stop your moaning, but there's only thirty seconds left in this episode.

Calvin: Shall we end it interestingly?

Hobbes: Lets.

(Calvin and Hobbes rush off screen, and return with top hats and canes. They tap dance around the yard and run off.)

End Credits
Voices

Jackson Kelley as Calvin

Taika Waititi as Hobbes 

Dakota Fanning as Susie

Elizabeth Banks as Mom