Calvin: Behind the Scenes Transcript

Scene 1: The Script Reading
Steven: Is this thing on? It is? Alright good. So hello there viewers, I'm Steven, the current director of The Calvin and Hobbes Show. I joined the show as a writer in Season 2 and later became the director in Season 5. Today we're gonna show to you how an episode of The Calvin and Hobbes Show gets made. And also should give you an idea of what we put up with... Anywho, joining us today will be Bill and Wayne. Bill has been our primary cameraman since Season 4. Wayne joined us this past season. You'll be seeing them a lot today.

Wayne: So since today is a filming day, we do a read through about an hour and a half before filming. This allows for the cast to get an idea of what they'll be working with today and ask any questions they may have.

Bill: And I basically make sure the scenes get shot.

Steven: (Looks at watch): So right now it's 8:45, the cast should be here in about 15 so we can begin the readthrough. Today we're going to be shooting the episode "Calvin's Crisis", in which basically Calvin does a bunch of stupid crap and gets him in a lot of trouble. Should be a good one.

(Cuts to the readthrough)

Steven: Alright everyone, welcome to our readthrough for the episode we're gonna be shooting today. As Wayne is passing out the scripts, you'll notice it's about Calvin doing a bunch of ridiculous acts and spells a lot of trouble for him.

Calvin: Oh come on! Why do like 90% of these episodes end up having me get in hot water?! I should be able to get away with most of my antics!

Steven: That's an issue you can bring up to the writers Calvin.

Calvin: Well for gosh sakes Steve, it's the same old thing every time! Why can't we make like a two-hour special that documents me taking over the world and instilling a dictatorship as I rule with an iron fist!

Hobbes: Because nobody wants to see something dumb as that, that's why.

Dad: Besides, learning from your mistakes builds character.

Mom: Dear, its a bit early for that isn't it?

Dad: Fine...

Calvin: Well, I'm always tired of being painted as a bad guy! My name is literally in the title of the show!

Dr. Scientist: Yeah, I'm the real bad guy of the show! But... I don't mind Calvin being humiliated.

Calvin: Why you-

Steven: Alright! Let's get started here! So Scene 1, Calvin and Hobbes are at the bus stop, waiting for the school bus...

Calvin: (Reading script begrudgingly) Great! Another horrible and torturous day awaits me at school! School should be made optional!

Hobbes: Ah yes, and another day of you complaining about school.

Calvin: You're just saying that since tigers don't have to go to school!

Hobbes: We're just born with knowledge that's all.

Calvin: I'd like to see you try and go through an excruciating 7-hour school day, and repeat it again and again!

Hobbes: Whatever... Not like you can make school disappear...

Calvin: Disappear... You're a genius, Hobbes! (Stops reading) Oh come on, another "Calvin does something to school and fails" episode?! That's like the twelfth one this year!

Bill: Here we go...

Steven: Calvin, can't we just discuss this later?

Calvin: No! In fact, I demand my contract to be renegotiated! A kid my age of a show this popular should get paid much more and have a say in what kind of plots he envelopes himself in!

Wayne: There are these things called Labor Laws you know...

Calvin: I don't care! My name is in the title of the show, not mention it comes first! So I should get creative control over what becomes an episode and what doesn't!

Steven: That's basically my job Calvin. Alright, continue.

Hobbes: Well, this is going to turn out interestingly...

Calvin: This script sucks, Steven! For the love of Smartwater, hire someone else! Wayne can't do his job properly! I'd rather take a script from Brett Ratner than this garbage.

Wayne: Calvin, we spent three weeks writing this episode.

Calvin: THREE WEEKS?! This was done in like three minutes tops! You guys just copy and paste the same old plot outlines and just change things JUST enough to make it look different!

Hobbes: Actually, there's a lot of differences in the episodes you're referring to.

Susie: Yeah, this isn't like the last type of episode we did like this.

Steven: Can everyone who is in the cast...please. Read. The. Dang. Script.

Calvin: Whatever you say, cousin of...which maniacal dictator are you related to?

(Steven slaps his face.)

Scene 2: The Filming
(Cut to a set of the bus stop. Calvin and Hobbes are in costume as Bill prepares the camera. Steven is in a director's chair.)

Steven: Now that that travesty is behind us, we can officially move on to the actual filming. This is where Bill really comes into play.

Bill: It's basically the only job around here besides getting lunch.

Calvin: Did someone say lunch? I'm hungry.

Wayne: Calvin, it's nine-thirty in the morning. If you're hungry, Jeff is getting donuts.

Calvin: He better. I wasn't fed this morning.

Mom: But, Calvin, you had ten bowls of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs.

Calvin: Cool it, Mom.

Steven: We can resolve our differences later, but for now, Bill, what kind of camera do you use?

Bill: High-quality film camera, because Calvin basically held me at chokepoint. He wants this to be bigger than Meet the Press. I've told him no one watches Meet the Press anymore, but he doesn't listen.

Calvin: It's all my folks watch, Bill. Roll tape.

Bill: Whatever.

Steven: Alright, quiet on the set! Speed. Rolling. Action!

(A clapboard snaps in front of the camera. The camera focuses in on Calvin and Hobbes. Calvin looks miserable.)

Calvin: Great! Another horrible and torturous day awaits me at school! School should be made...shoot. Line?

Bill: Cut.

Wayne: School should be made optional.

Steven: Alright, take 2. Speed. Rolling. Action!

Calvin: Great! Another horrible and torturous day awaits me at school! School should be made...what's the line again?

(Everyone groans. Cut to several takes later.)

Bill: This is draining the life out of me.

Wayne: You're not alone...

Steven: Alright, take 182. Speed. Rolling. Action.

Calvin: Great! Another horrible and torturous day awaits me at school! School should be made optional!

Bill: Cut!

Calvin: WHAT? I said every part of that line perfectly! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?

Steven: Calvin, that's exactly why we cut. We wanted to congratulate you on getting the line perfect.

Hobbes: Bout time. I was gonna get bored.

Calvin: Well, don't just stand there! Throw me a giant parade, and throw ticker tape and water balloons from the float!

(Bill groans.)

Bill: I hate my job.

Wayne: Again, you're not alone.

(Cuts to the school cafeteria, where filming is about to begin again)

Steven: Alright Calvin, now remember for this next scene, you say your line, at which point we'll launch the "explosion". Once Principal Spittle bursts in, that's your cue to start running.

Calvin: Running from the Principal again?! I do that like literally every other episode and then I get foiled by another kid or teacher! Can't we just this once allow myself to get away?

Hobbes: (In between eating a donut) That would make the episode lame.

Wayne: Again, we spent three weeks writing this episode, Calvin. Maybe next season.

Calvin: You said that last season as well!

Wayne: I just joined this season Calvin.

Bill: He's probably thinking of Will.

Calvin: Will?! He came back?!

Steven: (Sighs) No Calvin... You caused him to quit, remember?

Calvin: Well his scripts were garbage! He acted like he was some real big funny man yet his episodes were JUNK!

Bill: Some of his episodes are the most popular amongst fans Calvin.

(Calvin, Wayne, and Bill are all arguing in the background, and Steven looks at the camera with a deadpan expression on his face)

Dr. Scientist: Should we enlighten the viewers about why Will left?

Steven: Sure, shows what I've been dealing with for who knows how long at this point.

Dr. Scientist: Basically, after the show got renewed again, Will signed a big extension, which Calvin, being the whiny brat he is, was livid about.

Steven: Calvin was never a big fan of Will. A handful of his episodes are seen by fans as the best of the entire show, but Calvin was not a fan of his episodes in particular.

Dr. Scientist: Calvin ended up going to the executives at Nick to discuss it, and when they refused to fire him, Calvin boycotted the show and basically halted production on the show for two weeks. At which point the execs compromised and gave Calvin a 30% increase in his salary.

Steven: And after that was sorted out, we went back to production, and things went smoothly for about a month until we began production on a new episode of Will's, which was basically an episode where nothing went right for Calvin at all. He didn't appreciate Calvin's attitude about his renewal and wanted to get back at him.

Dr. Scientist: Then comes a filming day, Calvin and Will get into a big argument, things were thrown, sets and props destroyed, and Will ended up filing a restraining order against Calvin and left to begin work on his own show.

Steven: It was a long day, that's for sure... Alright, we better get filming again. Places people!

(Everyone gets into their places)

Steven: Alright, let's do this. Take 1, Speed. Rolling. Action!

Calvin: (Begrudgingly) If this doesn't turn this asylum into a crater, I don't know what will

(Explosion occurs, kids start screaming)

Calvin: Well, that worked better than I thought.

(Principal Spittle bursts in)

Principal Spittle: What on earth happened here?!

Calvin: Uh-oh... (Starts running)

Steven: Good, good... We might get this in one take

(Shows Calvin running into the halls)

Principal Spittle: CALVIN! (Starts chasing after Calvin)

(Cuts to the chase in the halls)

Steven: Slow it up a little Calvin! He won't be able to catch you with how fast you're running!

Calvin: That's the point, Steve! Don't you remember anything from Season 1?!

Steven: I didn't join until Season 2 you know...

Hobbes: He acts like everyone knows everything about this show.

(As the chase continues, Calvin stops when he sees a Fire Extinguisher. He grabs it, and sprays it at Principal Spittle, and covers up everyone in the scene)

Steven: ACKTPH! CUT! CUT!

Calvin: Oh come on! This is what the viewers really wanna see in my show!

Hobbes: Our show...

Calvin: Shut up you communist furball! I'm making great entertainment for you morons, yet you fools think your garbage is actually good!

Wayne: Guys like us are here for a reason you know Calvin...

Bill: Yeah, we're the main reason you guys are still on the air! If we weren't here, the show probably wouldn't have made it past the pilot!

Calvin: Oh please! I'm the one carrying this show on my back! I oughta go on strike again until I'm given a role as head writer for all episodes!

Bill: Not this again...

Wayne: Why did I take this job again?

Steven: Calvin, seriously. We can't afford another strike for no reason.

Calvin: NO REASON?! I HAVE PERFECTLY GOOD REASONS! YOU KNOW WHAT?! THAT'S IT! I'M GOING TO THE EXECS! SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST START CLEARING YOUR DESKS OUT NOW!

(Calvin storms offset)

Hobbes: Can we just change this to The Hobbes Show?

(Steven sighs)

Scene 3: The Editing
(Cut to an editing room, where Steven and Bill are working on editing the episode.)

Steven: So, this is the editing room, the next step in making the best episodes possible.

Bill: I thought we'd never make it here today, honestly. Calvin is a troubled kid, and he should get therapy.

Steven: Well, luckily, our editing room is in a secure location in the studio, so Calvin can't find it.

(Suddenly, the door opens and in walks Calvin.)

Calvin: Ah! Here's the secret room.

(Steven and Bill groan.)

Bill: How did you find this place?

Calvin: I paid Dr. Scientist to give me directions.

Steven: MURDOCH!

Dr. Scientist: I'm sorry, but I need a pool!

Calvin: So, you let the stupid cameraman in here but not me? I feel betrayed.

Bill: That's because we don't want you interfering with the editing.

Calvin: Move it, Bill. Time to show you how it's really done.

Bill: Calvin, you don't even know the first thing about editing an episode.

Calvin: Hey, the Execs said they're coming to the test screening, and I'm going to prove to them why you all need to be fired! Now, what does this button do?

(Calvin presses a button, and all the footage disappears off the computer)

(Cuts to Hobbes, Principal Spittle, Moe, and Dad playing cards)

Dad: Got any fives?

Hobbes: Go fish.

Principal Spittle: Got any eights?

Moe: Go fish.

(A loud scream is heard, though muffled.)

Hobbes: Oh, don't tell me...

(Steven, Bill, and Calvin exit the room in anger.)

Steven: WHY? WHY? WHY? YOU STUPID KID! I SHOULD REPORT YOU TO CORPORATE!

Calvin: Go ahead and do it. I'll call them up right now and tell them you do child abuse.

Steven: Ooh...you sneaky little...

Bill: Steve, don't worry. We can discuss it with them when they come for the test screening.

Steven: Listen, Calvin. You interfere with the test screening, you won't see a camera for a month.

Calvin: You can't do that to me! I'm the star of the show! And if you don't do what the star wants, you get the streets!

(Steven bangs his head against a wall.)

Scene 4: The Test Screening
(Cut to later in the day, when two executives enter the set. Calvin storms up to them.)

Calvin: Well, it's about time you two loons showed up! Do you have any ideas about what goes on down here?

Executive 1: Um...OK.

Executive 2: We're here for the test screening. Where is Steven?

Calvin: Tied up in a closet. I'm the new director...

Executive 1: Oh lord...

Calvin: Anyways, you need to fire Steven. He basically forces us to work overtime just so he...

Steven: CALVIN!

(Calvin freezes as Steven storms over.)

Steven: I greatly apologize, guys. He makes us look bad, constantly.

Executive 2: I noticed...

Steven: I noticed that you're here for the test screening?

Executive 1: Yup. Let's get this over with.

Calvin: Wait! You haven't listened to my complaints to fire this moron!

Steven: Let's go to the screening room, shall we?

(Steven and the executives walk off, while Calvin continues complaining.)

Calvin: Well, first off, he ties me in a closet because I missed a word in the script! He also has no sense of humor and only drinks PEPSI! Seriously! Who drinks that! Coke or nothing!

(Cut to the screening room, where the entire cast is gathered in the room with sodas.)

Hobbes: Well, after all this work, this episode better be good.

Calvin: Oh, it will...(starts laughing maniacally.)

(Hobbes gulps.)

Hobbes: We're screwed...

Steven: Well, here goes.

(The lights dim, and the theme song plays.)

Steven: So far, so good.

Calvin: Great! Another horrible and torturous day awaits me at school! School should be made optional!

Hobbes: Ah yes, and another day of you complaining about school.

Calvin: You're just saying that since tigers don't have to go to school!

Hobbes: We're just born with knowledge that's all.

Calvin: I'd like to see you try and go through an excruciating 7-hour school day, and repeat it again and again!

Hobbes: Whatever... Not like you can make school disappear...

Calvin: Disappear... You're a genius, Hobbes!

(Cut to later in the episode, when Calvin is running from Principal Spittle.)

Principal Spittle: Get back here!

Calvin: Try and catch me, NERD!

(Calvin grabs a fire extinguisher and clocks Principal Spittle with it.)

Calvin: Whoa...I can rule the school!

(Cut to later in the episode, when Calvin rules the school with an iron fist.)

Calvin: HA HA HA! NO ONE CAN STOP ME NOW!

(Steven has his face in his palms, and the executive and cast look horrified. Calvin is laughing. The lights come back in.)

Calvin: Man, what an episode!

Hobbes: I have several questions...

Principal Spittle: I don't remember getting clocked with a fire extinguisher!

Calvin: C'mon! You people know what I'm capable of... Now accept the fact that this is the greatest episode of a TV show you've ever seen. I'm gonna win a Daytime Emmy for this!

Wayne: That is not what I wrote at all!

Bill: HE RUINED THE EPISODE! AGAIN!

Executive 1: GET HIM!!!

Calvin: Uh oh...

(The cast, Bill, Wayne, and the executives chase Calvin out of the room, leaving Steven breathless.)

Steven: Well, there is no way we're releasing that episode right now. I was thinking that we could edit this and release it as an episode...well, that wraps it up. That just about reveals all our secrets and what we do behind the scenes. If you sympathize with us, we feel bad too. See you in the funny pages.

(As Steven finishes, Calvin runs back in, with the horde chasing him.)

Calvin: STEVE! HELP, HELP!

(Steven sighs and turns off the camera.)

Voice work
'Tom Kenny as Calvin'

'Owen Wilson as Hobbes/Executive 2'

'Paul Rudd as Dad'

'Scarlett Johansson as Mom'

'Jennifer Lawrence as Susie'

'Jeremy Irons as Moe'

'Elijah Wood as Dr. Scientist'

'Tom Cruise as Mr. Spittle/Executive 2'

'Special guest star: Steven Spielberg as Steve the director'

'Special guest star: Bill Murray as Bill the cameraman'

'Special guest star: Wayne Brady as Wayne the screenwriter'