The Start of a Beautiful Relationship transcript

This is the transcript for The Start of a Beautiful Relationship.

Scene 1: The Bus
(Cut to the door of Calvin's house during a rainstorm after the theme song plays. Calvin suddenly goes flying out the door, followed by his lunch box.)

Calvin's mom: The bus will be here any minute! Go! Move your lazy butt!

(Calvin grabs his lunch box and runs down the path to the bus stop.)

Calvin: This morning, I dreamed that I could fly. Then my alarm clock woke me up, and I barely had time to eat breakfast before Mom threw me out here. So here I am, waiting in the pouring rain for a bus I don't even want to get on! (sighs) Tuesdays don't start much worse than this.

(The bus arrives. Calvin gets on, walks all the way to the back, and sits in an unoccupied seat. Calvin stares longingly out the window as the bus drives away from his house.)

Susie: Hey Calvin, how come you always sit alone in that same seat?

Calvin: This seat gives the best view of my house, and no one wants to sit with me.

Susie: (snorts) There's a reason for that.

Calvin: For the last time, the Salamander Incident WAS NOT MY FAULT! I WAS FRAMED!

Susie: Suuure you were.

Scene 2: Calvin's class
(Cut to the exterior of Calvin's school. The bus pulls up and all the kids get off. Calvin, Susie, and about 20 other students go into Miss Wormwood's classroom, sitting down at their desks.)

Miss Wormwood: Everyone, we are having a math test today. The papers are on your desks. You may begin.

Calvin: Okay, 6+5. Easy! That's... um...

(Everything around Calvin fades away as a small, red, saucer-like spacecraft appears around him. Calvin's clothing changes to a blue jumpsuit, a utility belt, and large goggles. Outer space stretches around Calvin and his ship.)

Calvin (Who will be called Spiff until this fantasy ends): Spaceman Spiff, intrepid space explorer, sets out on a daring mission. The evil Zorgs have access to the top-secret equation that will reveal the formula for the atomic napalm neutralizer! Spiff must recover the equation! He activates the freem drive that sends him hurtling through the galaxy at warp factor 7!

(Thrust blasts out from under the fins of Spiff's ship. The ship flies away almost too fast to follow, passing by unusually colored planets with ringed moons. Another spaceship appears, this one large and black.

Spiff: It's a Zorg ship! Perhaps it has the equation on board. Time for a star war!

(Spiff cuts the thrust and hits a button, causing a large laser-gun-like cannon to emerge from the bottom of the ship. Spiff hits another button, and the cannon fires a laser beam at the Zorg ship. Cut to the real world. Calvin has shot a spitball into Susie's eye, and while she's distracted, he steals her paper.)

Susie: MISS WORMWOOD!

(Cut to Calvin's fantasy.)

Spiff: Our hero has obtained the equation... but the Zorg ship has fired a bolt of deadly destructo ray at Spiff! He employs a diversionary tactic to evade the attackers!

(Cut to the real world. Calvin is frantically writing his name on Susie's paper as Miss Wormwood approaches his desk.)

Miss Wormwood: Calvin, what are you doing?

Calvin: Uh... nothing! Just working on my test! Heh heh...

Susie: He stole my paper!

Calvin: I did not! You see? It's my name on this test!

Miss Wormwood: Your name is on both those tests, and I only gave out one to each student.

Calvin: You must have made a mistake.

Miss Wormwood: Calvin, give Susie back her test.

Calvin: No! It's MY test!

(Miss Wormwood takes the test from Calvin and gives it to Susie. The bell rings. The class goes out to recess.)

Scene 3: Recess
(Calvin is on the swings. Moe walks up to him.)

Moe: Hey twinky, gimmie a quarter.

Calvin: No way, Moe. I don't even have anything.

Moe: Gee, that's too bad.

(Moe punches Calvin hard enough to knock his shoes off and send him flying across the yard.

Moe: What a sissy! Ha ha ha!

Scene 4: Calvin Meets Hobbes
(Calvin looks at the big, red F- on his paper. The bell rings. Calvin walks dejectedly and slowly through the hallways and gets his stuff out of his locker.)

Calvin: Ugh, what a day. There's no way this can get worse.

(The bus drives off without Calvin.)

Calvin: When am I going to learn never to say that?!

(Calvin runs down the street in the general direction of his home.)

Calvin: Ugh, it's gonna take me forever to get there. Maybe I can cut through the forest.

(Calvin darts into the woods and starts walking toward his house. He notices a tuna fish sandwich on the ground.)

Calvin: A sandwich? Who would drop a sandwich in the forest? Especially such a terrible one. I mean, tuna fish! Yuck!

(Calvin kicks at the sandwich, and suddenly gets yanked upside down by the snare trap that the tuna fish sandwich was used to bait.)

Calvin: HEY! What the... oh yeah, there was something in the paper about a tiger escaping the zoo. This trap must be here to catch him! But it got me! I wonder how long it's going to be before someone comes to save me. I might starve to death! All I've got to eat is this stupid, disgusting, tuna fish sandwich!

Hobbes: I think it's rather nice.

Calvin: What the-

(Calvin tries to turn around to see, but just gets his arm tangled up in the snare.)

Calvin: (sighs) Okay, who are you?

Hobbes: My name is Hobbes.

Calvin: Well Hobbes, do you think you could cut me down?

Hobbes: Sure thing.

(Hobbes extends a claw and saws at the rope until it snaps. Calvin falls to the ground and quickly unties himself.)

Calvin: Thanks Hobbes (turns around) GAH!

Hobbes: What?

Calvin: You're a... tiger?!

Hobbes: Yeah. Want some tuna? (holds out tuna fish sandwich)

Calvin: So... you're not going to eat me?

Hobbes: EAT you? I could never eat a human! They smell terrible!

Calvin: On behalf of all humankind, I resent that! Although Moe does stink pretty bad.

Hobbes: Us tigers will do anything for tuna. You wouldn't happen to have more?

Calvin: Yeah, it's at my house. But my parents will have a fit if I bring a walking, talking tiger inside.

Hobbes: Maybe I could disguise myself...

Calvin: Here. Cover yourself with these leaves.

Hobbes: Thanks!

Scene 5: The New Baby Sitter
(Cut to the kitchen of Calvin's house. Hobbes, with his tummy bulging, is reclining on a huge pile of empty cans of tuna.)

Calvin: That's all the tuna we have.

Hobbes: Just that? I've seen more tuna in a brook as thin as a ruler!

Calvin's mom (off-screen): Calvin? Where are you?

Calvin: Oh no, it's mom! Hobbes, hide!

(Hobbes ducks into the refrigerator.)

Calvin's mom: Goodness Calvin, I didn't think you liked tuna so much.

Calvin: Um, I changed my mind.

Calvin's mom: Well, you had better come with me to the door.

Calvin: Why?

Calvin's mom: So you can meet your new baby sitter. Your father and I are going out tonight.

Calvin: A new baby sitter? Very interesting.

Scene 6: Night of the Baby Sitter
(Cut to the door.)

Calvin's mom: And this is Calvin. Call us if he gives you any trouble.

Rosalyn: I can handle whatever this little freak gives me.

(Calvin sticks his tongue out at Rosalyn. Calvin's dad walks up.)

Calvin's mom: Goodbye!

Calvin's dad: Calvin, if I hear any horror stories, no TV for a week.

(Rosalyn walks over to the table and puts down a rubber latex bag with a WARNING: CHEMICALS label. She puts on a pair of gloves and some goggles, then takes out several test tubes, all filled with a bubbling liquid. Rosalyn takes a look at some sheets of paper, then pours one liquid into the other one and puts the new formula into a bunsen burner. Calvin walks up.)

Calvin: What're you doing? Making fruit juice?

Rosalyn: Don't drink that! It's my chemistry homework, and it'll do who knows what to you if you drink it.

Calvin: So what's that paper?

Rosalyn: It's my notes on chemistry class. I use it to record all the effects mixing different chemicals has.

Calvin: Hmm... interesting.

(Calvin grabs a test tube and empties its contents into the chemical that Rosalyn is boiling. The liquid turns brown and dispenses a smoke cloud that makes Rosalyn cough and makes her eyes water. The smoke clears, and Calvin is gone. So are the chemistry notes.)

Rosalyn: CALVIN!

(Calvin darts into the kitchen and throws open the refrigerator door.)

Calvin: Hobbes! C'mon! I got the baby sitter's chemistry notes!

(Rosalyn runs into the kitchen, and Calvin shoots her in the eyes with his suction-cup dart gun.)

Rosalyn: GAAAH!

(Calvin grabs Hobbes and pulls him out the door while Rosalyn is blinded. They race up the stairs and hide in the bathroom.)

Rosalyn: CALVIN WHERE ARE YOU?!

Calvin: I'm in here, Roz!

Hobbes: Are you sure letting the baby sitter know where we are is a good idea?

Calvin: Trust me.

Rosalyn (bangs on door): LET ME IN AND GIVE ME BACK MY NOTES!

Calvin: Y'know Roz, if I was in your position, I'd adopt a more humble attitude. Unless you don't want these notes back...

Rosalyn: YOU BETTER GIVE ME THOSE NOTES BACK RIGHT NOW, OR ELSE I'LL-

(Calvin grabs the first note off the pile, drops it in the toilet, and flushes.)

Rosalyn: AAAAAUGH!

Calvin: That's one page. You'd better listen to my demands if you don't want the others to join that first one.

Rosalyn: (sighs) Fine. What are your demands?

Calvin: Okay, first I want to stay up 'till our parents get home. Next, I want you to go to the supermarket and buy all the cake and tuna. Then I want you to pick up a VCR and a copy of Jurassic World. Then I want you to...

(silence)

Calvin: Rosalyn? Are you listening? We- I mean I have more demands!

(silence)

Calvin: Do you think she's still there?

Hobbes: Probably. We still have her chemistry notes.

(Something crashes into the door and makes a cut in it. The same thing happens again a couple seconds later, and then again. The object causing the damage is revealed to be a poker. Rosalyn sticks her head through the hole.)

Rosalyn: HEEERE'S ROZZY!

Calvin and Hobbes: AAAAUGH!

(Rosalyn breaks through the door all the way and points her poker at Calvin and Hobbes.)

Rosalyn: Oh my gosh, is that a tiger? Well, doesn't matter. Calvin, give me back my notes and I'll only impale you once.

Hobbes: I think she means it.

Calvin: Do something!

(Hobbes pounces on Rosalyn, and the impact knocks both of them downstairs. Hobbes lands near the table, causing some chemicals to spill into his mouth. Rosalyn is knocked unconscious when she lands.)

Calvin: HOBBES!

(Calvin runs downstairs and presses on the unconscious Hobbes' chest. He blows into Hobbes' mouth, but even that doesn't wake up the tiger.)

Calvin: Alright, last resort!

(Calvin opens a can of tuna. Hobbes wakes up immediately.)

Calvin: HOBBES! You're alive!

Hobbes: Well of course I'm alive. It'll take more than some chemicals to kill me!

(The two hug. Calvin's parents come in.)

Calvin's mom: CALVIN! What happened to Rosalyn?!

(Calvin jumps in front of Hobbes.)

Calvin: Don't hurt him! I know he looks scary, but he doesn't mean any harm! I promise!

Calvin's dad: Where'd you get that stuffed tiger?

Calvin: On the way from- you're not going to take him away?

Calvin's dad: As long as that stuffed tiger isn't causing a problem, there won't be any reason to take him away.

(Calvin's parents bring Rosalyn into the bathroom to wake her up.)

Hobbes: Stuffed? What did they mean by that?

(Calvin looks at Hobbes' shoulder and notices stitching.)

Calvin: Uh... Hobbes? I think that chemical turned you into a stuffed animal.

Hobbes: As long as that means I can stay with you, I'm fine with that.

(Calvin and Hobbes embrace again).