Father Knows Zilch Transcript

Scene 1: The Idea
(Episode Starts in Calvin's room, Calvin is scribbling something down on some paper)

Hobbes: Whatcha doing?

Calvin: Coming up with an idea for the greatest sitcom ever.

Hobbes: What?

Calvin: All the sitcoms today on TV are garbage, and these bozos get paid MILLIONS to make trash! That's why I'm going to make my own sitcom, and become the richest man alive!

Hobbes: Because that's worked so well in the past...

Calvin: Oh shut up. Now, I've come up with the greatest plot for a show ever! It's a TV show, but its essentially about nothing!

Hobbes: That's basically the plot for Seinfeld.

Calvin: So? Didn't that show end in like the 90s or something?

Hobbes: You could get sued for copyright.

Calvin: Okay then.... what about an hour-long crime drama? That would be great! The first half would be the detectives investigating a case, then the second half would be the prosecutors taking the accused to trial!

Hobbes: That's the plot for Law and Order.

Calvin: Well, then, what about six friends who get in wacky adventures?

Hobbes: Friends.

Calvin: A show about a barely functioning company run by an idiot boss?

Hobbes: The Office.

Calvin: OH COME ON! (Thinks quickly) I got it! What if I made a show about some family that can barely make ends meet?

Hobbes: That's the plot for Roseanne pretty much.

Calvin: ARRGGHHH! WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP STEALING MY BRILLIANT IDEAS?!

Hobbes: Your brilliant ideas?

Calvin: Yes! I came up with these ideas myself, yet everyone else has stolen them it seems! I'm going downstairs and see if Dad has any ideas.

(Cut to downstairs, where Dad reads a newspaper. Calvin walks in.)

Calvin: Dad, I'm trying to make a sitcom, do you have any ideas?

Dad: Calvin, you know I hate sitcoms. They're just 30-minute nothingness that instigates cheap laughs.

Calvin: Right, I should've figured you would say something like that. Thanks...

(Cuts back to Calvin's room)

Hobbes: Any luck?

Calvin: What do you think? He just went on another one of his stupid tangents. What does he know anyway? It's not like he's ever- (Lightbulb appears of Calvin's head) That's it!

Hobbes: What is?

Calvin: I got the perfect idea for a sitcom! It'll just be about a family and the father is a total moron who knows nothing!

Hobbes: So basically, just an excuse to make a mockery of your father.

Calvin: Exactly.

Hobbes: And what exactly will this show be called?

Calvin: Uh.... Let's see here... Father Knows Nothing.... nah... Father Knows Worst.... nah....I got it! Father Knows Zilch!

Hobbes: Interesting title. Maybe you'll entice a couple of people into watching at the most.

Calvin: Oh shut up. This is the best idea for a sitcom ever. I'm going to make MILLIONS of this!

(Hobbes sighs)

Scene 2: The Pitch
(Cuts to the TV Station Headquarters)

Executive: Gah, this is hopeless! I've gotten like five pitches for new shows today, and all of them were complete junk! I need a new show quickly, or else their gonna show me the door!

Assistant: I mean, you could come up with something yourself you know...

Executive: Oh shut up! I can't make anything good! Heck, I don't care at this point what kinda pitch I get, even if its some kid that comes in with an idea!

(Calvin busts into the office)

Assistant: Speak of the devil...

Calvin: Well hello there, my name is Calvin, Calvin the Bold to be exact, and boy, do I have a show for you!

Executive: Well kid, I'm desperate for a show at this point, so let's hear it!

Calvin: Alright, so basically, we take your traditional family sitcom, but instead of the dad being the big know-it-all, he's dumb as a rock and needs guidance from his wife and kids!

Executive: Hmm... This has some promise... a twist on the classic sitcom... You gotta script?

Calvin: Oh yeah, here's the one I wrote along with Hobbes.

Executive: Who's Hobbes?

Calvin: The tiger right next to me, duh.

Executive: Uh... No comment... Alright, I'll take a look at the script, and then I'll get back to you.

(Cuts to Calvin and Hobbes waiting outside the Executive's Office)

Calvin: Ugh, its been twenty whole minutes! He hasn't finished yet?

Hobbes: Stuff like this take time you know.

Calvin: That guy said he was desperate, so certainly he would wanna take it right?

Hobbes: I'm going to be honest with you, I highly doubt that a TV Executive for a big name company would even remotely consider making a script written by a six-year-old into an actual show.

(The executive opens the door, crushing Hobbes)

Calvin: So what did you think?

Executive: Well kid, I'm going to give you a straightfoward answer... (pause) This is the greatest thing since sliced bread! You're on the road to being a star kiddo! Come on in so we can start getting this opus created!

(Calvin and the Executive go back into his office, and Hobbes is shown to be smushed)

Hobbes: I should've known this was gonna happen...

Scene 3: The Filming
(Calvin and Hobbes walk on set the next day.)

Calvin: Wow. This is amazing! I can't believe this. I'm going to be rich!

Hobbes: Somehow I feel that this is going to go down horribly.

Calvin: And why do you say that?

Hobbes: Well, for one, what if your dad watches the show?

Calvin: Did you hear a word he said? He hates sitcoms. Only watches CNN, and Mom watches nothing but Dance Moms, which is low key hilarious.

(The executive walks up to Calvin.)

Executive: Calvin, I'd like you to meet someone.

(The executive guides Calvin to Chris Pratt, who will play Dad.)

Chris Pratt: Hello, kid. You must be Calvin.

Calvin: Sure am. I'm the one who wrote this masterpiece.

Executive: I'm sure you know of Chris Pratt, Calvin.

Calvin: Yeah, he's in Jurassic World.

Chris Pratt: Well, actually, a lot more things, but OK.

Executive: He'll be playing your dad.

Calvin: It depends...can you play a moron?

Chris Pratt: Ever seen Parks and Recreation?

Calvin: Nope.

Chris Pratt: That's who I'm basing this character on.