Revenge of the Rosalyn! transcript

This is the transcript for Revenge of the Rosalyn!

Scene 1: Spaceman Spiff
(We open to an unusual alien landscape. Spiff lands his ship on the planet and opens the bubble dome to explore the planet.)

Spiff: Spaceman Spiff, intrepid space explorer, lands on Planet X-14! Spiff sets out in search of alien life. Suddenly, the ground begins to shake and a huge shadow looms over our hero!

(A shadow appears over Spiff.)

Spiff: It's a Zargon!

(The thing causing the shadow is revealed to be a 10-foot-tall reptilian bug.)

Zargon: ROOOAR!

Spiff: Spiff inflates his emergency jetpack and prepares for takeoff!

(Spiff pulls out a metal cube and presses a button on top, causing it to expand into a jetpack. He puts it on and flies back towards his ship, but the Zargon chases him. Spiff manages to reach his ship and fly off in it, but the Zargon uses its mantis-like wings to fly after him.)

Spiff: Oh no! The Zargon is pursuing! Spiff unleashes missiles to destroy the alien!

(Spiff hits a button and his ship launches several missiles at the Zargon, knocking it back down to Planet X-14. It grabs the ship as it falls. Cut to the real world. Calvin's mom trips over a table and falls over, grabbing Calvin as she does so. He frantically punches and kicks at her, but she keeps hold of him.)

Calvin's mom: TAKE...A...BATH!

Calvin: NO!

Scene 2: Calvin's Bath
(Cut to Hobbes watching Calvin take his bath.)

Hobbes: Why do you hate baths so much anyway?

Calvin: I don't, but whenever I take a bath at this hour, it means my parents are going out early and they've hired a baby sitter. And the only one who will put up with me is... Rosalyn.

Hobbes: WHAT!? ROSALYN!? She tried to kill us with a poker and hacked the bathroom door to pieces! Haven't your parents learned their lesson about hiring her?!

Calvin: They didn't believe me when I told them what happened.

Hobbes: Well, they should. That woman is psychopathic!

Calvin: Actually, I checked her file at the mental hospital. She's been committed three times, and she's been diagnosed with not just psychosis but also hallucinations, delusions, and masyltrixia, a mental disorder that causes her to violently overreact to almost every situation she's in.

Hobbes: How'd you get access to her file?

Calvin: I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.

(Doorbell rings.)

Calvin: Oh no, it's Rosalyn! Quick, hand me that towel and try to stall my parents!

Hobbes: Right!

Scene 3: Keeping Rosalyn Out
(Calvin, now fully dressed, and Hobbes run out of the bathroom in opposite directions. Hobbes sneaks into Calvin's parents' room while Calvin's mom is putting on her makeup and grabs her shoes. He runs into Calvin's room and stuffs the shoes under the bed. Cut to Calvin's parents' room. Calvin's dad walks in to find his wife looking for something.)

Calvin's dad: Honey, what are you doing?

Calvin's mom: I can't find my shoes. Help me look.

(Cut to downstairs. Calvin pours some brown paint onto his hair, combs it into a hairstyle similar to his mother's, and then throws on a hoodie. He gets on a chair next to the window, opens the window, and sticks his head out. Rosalyn is standing by the driveway with a duffle bag.)

Calvin (flawlessly mimicking his mom's voice): Hi Rosalyn. We've decided not to go out tonight, so you can go home. Here's ten bucks for your troubles.

Rosalyn: Nice try Calvin, but you can't fool me.

Calvin (still mimicking his mom): What are you talking about? It's me.

(Rosalyn yanks off the hoodie.)

Calvin: Well, time for Plan B.

(Calvin jumps off the chair and throws it at Rosalyn, hitting her in the chest and knocking her over. Rosalyn immediately jumps to her feet and thrusts her hands through the window, trying to strangle Calvin.)

Rosalyn: I'M GONNA KILL YOU!

(Calvin slams the window down on her fingers.)

Rosalyn: OOWWW!!

(Rosalyn manages to tear the window open using her fingers, despite Calvin putting his entire weight on the sill. Hobbes comes running downstairs.)

Calvin: Hobbes! I need a weapon now!

(Hobbes throws Calvin a chair, and he starts using it to ward off Rosalyn, who reaches into her duffel bag and pulls out a futuristic-looking rifle that resembles Van Helsing's weapon at the beginning of Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation. She fights Calvin with it, forming a weird sort of swordfight.)

Calvin's mom (off-screen): What's all that ruckus I hear?

Calvin: Oh good, Mom's coming. You hear that, Roz? Your villainy will soon be-

(Rosalyn hits a switch on the side of her weapon and purple electricity crackles across the dish at the front. Rosalyn then pulls the trigger, and a lightning bolt shoots out and blasts Calvin several feet away, knocking him out. His skin is ashen, his clothes are singed from the electricity, and the paint has been burnt from his hair, which is back to its normal style thanks to static electricity. Rosalyn closes the window and puts away her Tesla rifle. Calvin's mom comes downstairs.)

Calvin (half-conscious): Ex... p-p-posed...

Calvin's mom: Goodness! What happened?

(Rosalyn knocks on the door.)

Calvin's mom: Oh, I'm sorry Rosalyn. Here, come in!

(Rosalyn walks in.)

Rosalyn: Thanks. That kid wouldn't open the door, and then he yelled something about how I would never take him alive and stuck his finger in an electric socket.

Calvin's mom: I have got to take him to a therapist. Well, here's your half up front. I found my shoes, so we'll be leaving now.

(Calvin's dad walks down.)

Calvin's dad: And when we get home, the house had better be standing.

Rosalyn: Is that a threat?

Calvin's dad: No, of course not.

Rosalyn: Good.

(Calvin's parents leave.)

Calvin: Wait... she- she-ll kill... me...

Rosalyn (Too quiet for Calvin's parents to hear): Too right I will.

Scene 3: Rosalyn's Rage
(As soon as the door closes, Hobbes grabs Calvin and runs toward the stairs. Rosalyn pulls out her Tesla rifle and fires at Hobbes, who dodges her shots. Rosalyn chases after him and continues trying to shoot him with her Tesla rifle. Hobbes runs into Calvin's room and wedges a chair under the door. Rosalyn starts banging on the door with her Tesla rifle, and Hobbes gives Calvin mouth-to-mouth, which comically inflates him every time Hobbes blows into Calvin's mouth.)

Calvin: ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I'M UP! I'm not a balloon, you know.

Hobbes: Never mind that, Rosalyn's's trying to get in!

Calvin: Not if I have anything to say about it!

(Calvin gestures to the bed.)

Calvin: Start tying the sheets together.

(Hobbes does. On the other side of the door, Rosalyn charges up her Tesla rifle and shoots it under the door, knocking down the chair. Rosalyn charges inside.)

Rosalyn: ALRIGHT CALVIN YOU LITTLE PIECE OF-

(Rosalyn realizes no one is in the room, but the window is open and a rope of blankets tied to one of Calvin's bedposts is dangling out the open window. Rosalyn smiles and walks over to the rope. Calvin and Hobbes are halfway down when Rosalyn sticks her head out the window. She is holding the blanket rope.)

Calvin: Roz wait don't-

(Rosalyn lets go and Calvin and Hobbes fall. Hobbes lands on the ground hard, and Calvin lands in the rain barrel.)

Calvin: Hah! I'm still alive! You failed!

Rosalyn: Or did I?

(Rosalyn fires her Tesla rifle into the rain barrel. Calvin jumps out just in time, but part of the barrel falls out and the water spills toward Calvin, soaking his shoes and electrocuting him again.)

Rosalyn: Mwa hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah!

(Hobbes gets up.)

Hobbes: Oh, my head... Calvin!

(Hobbes repeatedly presses on Calvin's chest.)

Rosalyn: Hah! You can't save him, he is dead, dead as you will be!

(Calvin coughs up water and sits up.)

Rosalyn: Impossible!

Calvin: Someone get the license number of the planet that hit me.

Hobbes: You gonna be okay?

Calvin: Well, I'm gonna be sore in the morning. But Moe threw a bicycle at me once. Every other injury pales in comparison.

Rosalyn: Let's see if this does!

(Rosalyn ducks back inside, and a scuffling sound is heard.)

Calvin: What's she doing?

(Calvin's bed falls out the window.)

Hobbes: JUMP!

(Calvin and Hobbes jump away from the falling bed, and Calvin lands hard on his knee.)

Calvin: AAAAAUGH!

(Hobbes grabs Calvin and runs in the back door. They go into the basement, and Hobbes wedges another chair under the door.)

Calvin: That chair won't hold her out forever. Get out of here! You can't fight her, and I can't run in this condition.

Hobbes: I'm not leaving you.

(Rosalyn breaks through the door and slips on a bucket of wires Hobbes had placed on the steps. She falls down the stairs and Hobbes jumps toward her, but Rosalyn blasts him back with her Tesla rifle. Hobbes scrambles to his feet and runs at Rosalyn, but she drops a test tube containing some chemical on the ground. It creates a smoke cloud that Hobbes charges into, and he can't see Rosalyn. He is suddenly punched repeatedly by her fists, and she never stays in the same place twice, meaning that Hobbes' attacks always miss.)

Hobbes: Show yourself!

(The smoke begins to clear, and Rosalyn throws Hobbes at a pile of boxes, which collapse on him. Rosalyn aims her Tesla rifle at Calvin.)

Rosalyn: Now for you.

Calvin: Why are you doing this? And where did you get a Tesla rifle?

Rosalyn: My high school has a very extensive science department. But that might've changed. How should I know? After all, I did FLUNK OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL AFTER I COULDN'T COMPLETE MY FINAL PROJECT, THANKS TO YOU!

Calvin: Me? What do I have to do with this?

Rosalyn: YOU flushed my chemistry notes down the toilet! Without them, I couldn't complete my paper!

Calvin: I only flushed one of your notes! Was that note really so impor-

Rosalyn: Shut up!

(Rosalyn shoots her Tesla rifle at Calvin, who grabs hold of the wires wrapped around Rosalyn's leg. The wires cause a feedback loop that shocks both Calvin and Rosalyn until they fall to the floor, unconscious.)

Scene 5: The Hospital
(Cut to the hospital. Calvin is lying in a hospital bed attached to various tubes and hoses that lead into different machines and tanks of chemicals. A device monitoring his heart rate shows that Calvin's heart is small and slow. Calvin's parents are talking to a doctor.)

Calvin's mom: Will he be okay?

Doctor: Hard to tell. We've put him in a coma so the injuries can heal. If your reports of his resilience are true, he has a sixty-three percent chance of pulling through. Otherwise...

Calvin's dad: Hang in there, little buddy.

(Calvin's mom blows her nose in a hankerchief. Calvin's parents and the doctor leave, and Hobbes climbs in through the window. Hobbes places his hand on Calvin's chest.)

Hobbes: I'm not leaving you. Ever. So you better not leave me, either.

(Hobbes goes limp next to Calvin, mimicking a stuffed animal. Time passes, and Calvin's heart rate grows stronger.)