The Fixer is In Transcript

Scene 1: The two strangers
(Episode starts in school gym, Calvin is looking bored)

Principal Spittle: So, once again, I'd highly recommend you come out tomorrow night to watch our team go after their first State Championship in 31 years!

Moe: Yeah! We'll rock 'em to the ground!

(The whole football team gets splashed on in Gatorade)

Calvin: YES! MY GATORADE DUMPING PLAN WAS A SUCCESS!

(Everyone looks at Calvin)

Calvin: Probably shouldn't of said that...

Coach: It's that little runt Moe's always talking about! Get 'em boys!

Calvin: GAH!

(Cuts to Calvin being chased by the football team)

Moe: You won't get away THIS time twinky!

Calvin: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Coach: He's getting away! Block the front doors! He's obviously going to run out there!

(Cuts to the front doors being blocked by some of the football players)

Player 1: He'll never get past our wall!

Player 2: Here he comes! Get ready to tackle him!

(Cuts to Calvin running, then trying to stop, and the football players attempt to tackle him, but Calvin avoids them all and runs out the front doors)

Coach: He's heading to the field! Get 'em before he gets too far!

Calvin: Ha! Those chumps won't get me!

(Calvin then gets tackled by several players)

Moe: Gotcha twinky!

Calvin: GET OFF ME! DON'T MAKE ME SUE!

Coach: Alright boys, I think he's learned his lesson. Let him get out.

(Players get up and leave.)

Calvin: Pah! You loons don't deserve a state championship! Your all pathetic! The Patriots would destroy you!

Coach: Well the paper predicted us to win so I wouldn't be so sure about that!

Moe: Yeah! Your only hope would be if they rigged it against us!

Calvin: Philistines. (Lightbulb appears) Hmm, I better start planning my sabatoge against them. BWAHAHAHA!

?: Psst! Hey kid!

Calvin: Who said that?

?: Me! Over here! Under the bleachers!

Calvin: Uh, okay...

(Calvin walks over to under the bleachers)

Calvin: Alright, whoever said that, show theirself!

(Two people emerge)

Calvin: Woah! There's two of you! I didn't do anything! I swear!

?: Relax kid, we aren't with the FBI.

Calvin: Then who are you nutcases?

?: Oh yeah, my name's Howard, and my friend here is Frank.

Calvin: Well. Nice to meet you two but, who are you guys.

Frank: We overheard you wanting to sabatoge your school's hopes of winning the state title.

Calvin: So?

Howard: We figured we could use a kid like you to help us.

Calvin: Well, what's in for me.

Frank: Money!

Calvin: How much? It depends on how much I'll get out of this.

Howard: Eh, probably about ten grand at the least.

(Dollar signs are shown on Calvin's eyes)

Calvin: You two got yourself a deal! Soon, I'll be the richest man alive! I'll be able to buy the NFL with that kind of loot! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Frank and Howard look at each other worried)

Scene 2: The pitch
(Cuts to Calvin opening the door to his house)

Calvin: I'M HOME!

(Hobbes pounces Calvin)

Hobbes: Enjoy yet another fine greeting?

Calvin: No, now shut up and get ready to help me so we'll become rich.

Hobbes: Really? How this time? Dare I ask...

Calvin: Well, I've agreed to join these two people that somehow have some connection to the State Championship Football Game, who want to rig it against my school!

Hobbes: So wait, your helping tow strangers to help RIG the game against your school?

Calvin: Yep! And the best part is, we get PAID!

Hobbes: WHAT?! Calvin, do you even know what will HAPPEN if you get caught?

Calvin: No, not like I'm going to get caught anyway.

Hobbes: Calvin, if they catch you, you could go to jail for a couple years! You don't want to do that do you?

Calvin: Relax Hobbes, I'll make sure those two chumps take the fall if we get caught, besides, its not like I'm Tim Donaghy or anything.

Hobbes: Yeah, and you know absolutly nothing about reffing football either.

Calvin: Well who said I was reffing it?

Hobbes: Well then what are you even doing?

Calvin: I don't know, they never told me what to do yet.

(Hobbes sighs)

(Phone rings)

Calvin: I'll get it! (Runs and picks it up) Greeting stranger, this is Calvin the Bold, what do you need? And make it quick, I'm busy doing top secret stuff.

Howard: Hey Calvin! We forgot to tell you what we need you to do for us! Its kinda hard and tricky, and we'll need you until the game is over and the other team wins! You still up for the challenge?

Calvin: You bet I am! I'll do ANYTHING for money!

(Hobbes facepalms)

Scene 3: The plan
(Calvin, Howard, and Frank are sitting around a card table, playing Go Fish.)

Frank: Got any threes?

Calvin: Go fish.

Howard: So here's the plan. Calvin, you know what time the game is at, right?

Calvin: Yeah. 7:00 Eastern time.

Howard: OK. So, you need to set up smoke bombs and Gatorade jugs at 6:00. The team won't be there until 6:30.

Calvin: OK.

Howard: Frank, I need you to make some public display ads that says how bad the...what's the team called again?

Calvin: The Bobcats.

Howard: Thank you. How bad the Bobcats are, capische?

Frank: Capische.

Howard: As for me, I'll look at your progress through webcams I installed around the perimeter. If I see anyone, I'll tell you to abort.

Calvin and Frank: Got it.

Howard: And if the mission goes as planned, then we all get 20,000 dollars.

Calvin: SWEET! I'll be able to buy the Lego Store!

Howard: Sounds like a plan. Alright. Roll out!

(Cut to the football field. Calvin is hiding under the bleachers.)

Calvin: Calvin the Bold to Howard the Duck, do you copy?

Howard: Howard the Duck to Calvin the Bold, I copy.

Calvin: I'm about to place the smoke bombs, over.

Howard: Excellent. Over. Frank, how's the publicity ads going?

Frank: Good, Howard the Duck.

Howard: Stop calling me that.

(Shows montage of the preparations being made by Calvin, Howard and Frank, before they all reunite at the table they were playing Go Fish at.)

Howard: Excellent work! We are almost ready to get the rigging process started!

Calvin: What else is there that we need to do?

(Howard grabs some referee uniforms out of a box)

Howard: Oh yeah, we forgot to mention that we're going to be reffing the game as well.

Calvin: But I barely know the rules of football!

Frank: Perfect! You'll make sure they don't win!

Calvin: Well, I guess it can't be too hard, right?

Howard: Yeah! Its easy!

Scene 4: The football game
(Cuts to the time of the football game, cuts to the stands)

Principal Spittle: Wow, I never thought I'd live to see the day the school would go after a state championship again.

Commissioner: Ah, Principal Spittle!

Principal Spittle: Ah, Mr. Commissioner! Come to see tonight's game?

Commissioner: Indeed, I am looking forward to a great contest, surely nothing will happen out of the ordinary.

Principal Spitte: I'd sure hope so!

Athletic Director: Sam! Good to see you here.

Principal Spittle: Thank you, Athletic Director, sir. Ready for an awesome game of football?

Athletic Director: I sure am, Sam.

(Cuts to Calvin, Howard, Frank, and two other referees)

Calvin: So who are these other two guys that are with us?

Howard: These are our other two helpers for tonight, Tim and Joe.

Calvin: So do you guys know anything about reffing football?

Tim: Sort of.

Joe: Not really.

Calvin: Meh, fair enough.

(Frank blows his whistle)

Howard: All right captains! Come over or the coin toss!

(Three players from each team come over)

Moe: Twinky? What are you doing here?

Calvin: Moe! I'm uh... reffing the game! Yeah!

Moe: You?! How could you of become a football ref in such a short amount of time?!

Calvin: Just a reminder Moe, since I AM one of the refs, I have full power to give you a flag for whatever reason and can get you thrown out of the game. You don't want that now do you?

(Moe stays quiet, and the coin toss is done, the Bobcats get the ball first, and elect to kick first)

Calvin: Lets get this game underway! (Blows whistle)

(Cuts to Hobbes in the press box)

Hobbes: This is going to end badly...

Howard: All right gang, just as we discussed, we start getting biased toward the end, but we still will be doing it here and there during the game!

(The kicker kicks the ball and the game is underway. The reciever gets the ball for the Bobcats and runs into the end zone.)

Calvin: EXCESSIVE CELEBRATION! RECIEVING TEAM!

(The crowd boos as the reciever comes up to Calvin.)

Reciever: WHAT? I just ran into the endzone!

Calvin: Too bad, chump. I call em' as I see em'

Howard (over walkie talkie): Good work.

Calvin: Thanks.

(The game continues. Shows a montage of the game happening, and players complaining to Calvin about the calls. Cut to the fourth quarter, with 18 seconds remaining.)

Principal Spittle: Well, its tied 18-18. Anything could happen at this point...

Athletic Director: Indeed, but I must say these refs are quite awful.

Commissioner: There's something fishy about these refs... I don't recognize hiring these people for the game at all...

Athletic Director: Not to mention the one looks like a kid...

(Cuts back to the field)

Calvin: Alright! 18 seconds left suckers! Lets actually score so we don't have to go into OT! (Blows whistle)

Quaterback: DOWN! SET! 242! SET....HIKE!

(Quaterback throws it to Moe, who takes the ball to the endzone, even though there is some struggle between two defensive ends, Moe manages to get the ball into the endzone, getting a touchdown as the clock goes to 0.)

Moe: YES! WE WON!

(Crowd begins to cheer, but Calvin pops up blowing his whistle)

Calvin: Touchdown is no good! Unneccessary roughness by the Running Back for the recieving team!

(The whole crowd boos, and Calvin is surrounded by players from the team)

Moe: WHAT?! ARE YOU INSANE TWINKY?!

Calvin: YES! I AM SURE!

Player: You stink ref!

Moe: YEAH! NOBODY PAID TO SEE YOU REF!

Calvin: OH YEAH?! NOBODY PAID TO SEE YOU FOOLS LOOSE EITHER! (Blows whistle and throws a flag at Moe)

Player 2: WHAT?! HE DIDN'T DO NOTHING!

(Calvin blows a whistle and throws a flag at him. Players start yelling and screaming at them and Calvin continues to blow his whistle and throwing flags everywhere, causing the other refs to prevent the players from getting to Calvin)

Calvin: AFTER THE PLAY, THE CALL OF NO TOUCHDOWN STANDS! AS WELL AS THE 18, 98, 31, 51, 63, 88, 11, and 90 ALL BEING EJECTED FOR CONTACT WITH AN OFFICIAL AND BEING PLAIN STUPID! BECAUSE MY CALLS ARE ALWAYS RIGHT! SO THE OPPOSING TEAM GETS TO PUNT A FIELD GOAL WITH A SECOND LEFT IN THE GAME!

(Coach runs on the field as the boos continue and objects are being thrown)

Coach: ARE YOU INSANE REF?!

Calvin: NO! YOUR THE INSANE ONE! (Blows whistle) YOUR EJECTED!

Coach: WHAT?! (Gets dragged off by Frank)

Calvin: ALRIGHT! KICK IT OPPOSING TEAM!

(The opposing team takes the kick, and it goes in, giving the win to them)

Opposing Player: OH MY GOSH! WE WON! WE'RE THE STATE CHAMPS!

Commissioner: That isn't right at all...

Athletic Director: I agree! This was awful! And that's saying something because the other school won somehow!

(The players surround Calvin, yelling at him for his horrible reffing, and his referee hat falls off)

Commissioner: Woah! That hair! Could it be?

Athletic Director: It is! Its the Noodle Incident kid!

Principal Spittle: CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Charges onto the field)

Calvin: Oh crud...

(Suddenly a bunch of police cars show up)

Officer: ALRIGHT! I NEED ALL THE REFS TO PUT THEIR HANDS UP! WE CAN DO THIS THE EASY WAY OR THE HARD WAY!

Howard: Run for it!

(The refs runaway, while Calvin throws flags at the officers)

Calvin: I'm pretty sure this qualifies as targeting!

(Cuts to the next day in a courtroom. Both football teams, both Principal's, the Commissioner, and both of the Athletic Directors are present as Calvin and the other refs are brought into the courtroom)

Baliff: All rise for the case of  People v. Grayson, Riggle, Evans, Cruise, and Wilson. With honarable Judge J. Oliver Lazarus presiding.

(The Judge enters and takes his seat at his bench)

Judge Lazarus: Plaintiff, please rise.

(Howard stands)

Howard: Your honor, we were just trying to ref the game right.

Commissioner: OBJECTION! These people rigged the game against our team!

Judge Lazarus: I see. Mr. Calvin Grayson, please take the stand.

Calvin: OK.

(Calvin walks up to the stand.)

Calvin: Icky girls and gentlemen...I WAS FORCED INTO THIS PLAN! HOWARD AND FRANK BRIBED ME TO DO THIS SO I'D GET IN TROUBLE!

Judge Lazarus: Well said, Calvin. Howard Riggle and Frank Evans, I hereby sentence you to five years in a high security prison for rigging games and bribing kids to do dirty work!

Frank: WHAT? GRAYSON, YOU ARE SOOO DEAD!

Howard: I'LL NEVER GIVE YOU THAT SALARY!

Calvin: Serves you right.

(Cut to Calvin's house. Calvin is in bed.)

Hobbes: Well, did we learn a lesson today?

Calvin: No. But I did frame those two chumps for nothing. Downside is I didn't get the salary of twenty grand.

Voice Work
Tom Kenny as Calvin/Football Player

Owen Wilson as Hobbes/Joe

Jeremy Irons as Moe

Tom Cruise as Mr. Spittle/Tim

Special Guest Voice: Aaron Eckhart as Coach

Special Guest Voice: Bill Hader as Commissioner

Special Guest Voice: Chris Evans as Frank

Special Guest Voice: Dwayne Johnson as The Athletic Director

Special Guest Voice: Rob Riggle as Howard