Calvin: The Movie Transcript

Calvin:Hey,you're back! Well,guess what? The Calvin and Hobbes Show is back!

Scene 1: The script
(Episode starts with Calvin sitting at his desk, scribbling down something on a sheets of paper.)

Hobbes: (Enters room) What's up? You doing homework for once? Really?

Calvin: No you moron, I'm writing a movie script.

Hobbes: A movie script for what?

Calvin: My life story.

Hobbes: Your life story?! Your six years old!

Calvin: Well, I shouldn't say that it's my life story, it's more a film that depicts my greatness and awesomeness, then I will be the richest man alive!

Hobbes: (Grabs script) Let me look at this for a minute (Reads it) Calvin: The Movie. Scene 1, opens to awesome music with all the opening credits. Cuts to Calvin fighting the evil moron Moe. Calvin simply looks at Moe and he falls into Susie Derkins, and falls into a pit of lava... This is stupid! There is no way someone dumb as you could make and direct this film, let alone get anyone to play any person!

Calvin: I got someone that's helping me get this work of art going.

Hobbes: Who, Susie?

Calvin: NO YOU DOLT! I'M NOT HAVING ONE OF THE VILLANS IN MY FILM MAKE IT!

Hobbes: Then who?

(Doorbell rings.)

Calvin: It's him!

Hobbes: Who?

(Calvin opens door.)

Michael Bay: Hi, I'm movie genius Michael Bay, I'm looking for a person named Calvin.

Calvin: That would be me.

Michael Bay: Nice to meet you man. You got the script?

Calvin: Yep! Here you go! (Hands it to him.)

Michael Bay: Great, I'll look through it and I'll be back soon so we can get this movie made. (Leaves)

Hobbes: YOU HIRED MICHAEL BAY?! ARE YOU INSANE?!

Calvin: No, he's the greatest director ever.

Hobbes: No, no, no. He is the WORST director ever. He'll ruin your film.

Calvin: Your just jealous because he's smarter than you.

Hobbes:He ruined Transformers and TMNT! Are you sure you want him?

Calvin: Your dumb, he made Transformers better.

Hobbes: Yeah, sure he did...

Scene 2: The pitch
(Cuts to an office)

Michael Bay: So I looked through your script, looks pretty good, but I made some changes to it (tosses script to Calvin)

Calvin: (Reads through it) Hey, this looks awesome!

Hobbes: Let me see that (Reads it) This is moronic! This is the most unreallistic thing I have ever read! I can't believe that this clown is giving another clown a movie that he doesn't even need, and makes himself look good when he actually isn't.

(Calvin grabs intercom)

Calvin: SECURITY! THERE'S A HYPOCRITICAL TIGER IN HERE! GET HIM OUT!

(Two Security guards grab Hobbes and throw him out of the building)

Hobbes: Idiots...

(Cuts back to Office)

Calvin: So when can we start filming this beauty?

Michael Bay: We can tommorrow, I've managed to get a whole cast to sign on, so we can start filming this work of art tommorrow!

Calvin: Great! See ya tommorrow!

(Calvin starts to leaves, but then comes back in)

Calvin: Oh yeah, I'm playing myself, and I'm doing all my stunts.

Michael Bay: Sounds good.

Calvin: But first, let's see the cast. I don't want lame TV show actors playing my villains.

Michael Bay: OK.

(Michael Bay pulls a cast sheet from his desk.)

Michael Bay: We've got Amy Poehler signed on to play Susie, and David Cross as Moe.

Calvin: Never heard of them, but they'll do. See ya!

Scene 3: The filming
(Cuts to the Movie Set the next day)

Calvin: Wow! This looks great! This is going to be the best movie ever!

Hobbes: You mean the biggest flop ever.

Calvin: Shut up.

Michael Bay: (Walks up) Hey Calvin! Ready to start filming?

Calvin: You bet!

(Michael Bay sits in a director's chair)

Michael Bay: Alright! Positions! Quiet on the set! Ready,ACTION!

(Camera starts rolling.)

Calvin: Hello,my name is Calvin. Calvin the Bold to be exact. Call me that,or else. Now,I bet you want to hear a story. Very well,then. This all started when I was fighting Moe Westing,AKA Dumb-Butt Moe Westing,and Susie Derkins,or should I say DORKins?

Michael Bay: CUT! Calvin, that line was brilliant.

Calvin: Thank you, thank you. No autographs please.

David Cross: We weren't planning on giving you any.

Calvin: Shut up, David Cross, no one cares about you!

Michael Bay: Alright, we can work out your differences, just get in position for the next scene. Calvin's bedroom. Ready? Action!

(Camera starts rolling)

Calvin: Ah, another relaxing day reading comic books!

(David Cross and Amy Poehler enter the room.)

Amy Poehler: Not so fast!

David Cross: We're here to destroy you once and for all!

Amy Poehler: To a bloody pulp!

Calvin: Susie and Moe! My two worst enemies!

David Cross: Destroy him!

(Calvin grabs a Nerf gun and shoots Susie out the window. Then Calvin grabs his baseball bat and beats Moe up)

Calvin: Ha! Serves you right!

Michael Bay: CUT! Excellent again.

(Shows a montage of filming happening.)

Michael Bay: Alright, it's a wrap! See you at the premiere!

Scene 4: The premiere
(Shot of the exterior of the Grauman's Chinese Theater in Hollywood. A limousine dives up to the red carpet. Calvin, Hobbes, Mr. Grayson, Mrs. Grayson, Susie, Moe, Amy Poehler and David Cross step out of the limo and are greeted by Michael Bay.)

Michael Bay: Welcome, all of you!

Susie: I just hope this is a good movie.

Michael Bay: It will.

Hobbes: I think it'll flop.

(Calvin elbows Hobbes)

Moe: Huh, little Twinky made a movie. How exciting.

Mrs. Grayson: This is so exciting! Our own son making a movie. Calvin, I knew you would do something that was good.

Mr. Grayson: Yeah. Making movies builds character!

Calvin: Do you have to say that at the premiere?

Mr. Grayson: Fine, I won't say it.

Michael Bay: Let's go inside.

(The cast goes inside in slow motion and walks to the auditorium. The movie begins. Cut to the end of the film. Most of the audience is asleep. They wake up.)

Audience Member: Oh, thank god that's over.

(Cut to Calvin's room. Calvin is on a computer. Hobbes enters.)

Hobbes: What's up?

Calvin: I'm looking up how good Calvin: The Movie did on Rotten Tomatoes.

(Calvin pulls up the website and looks up Calvin: The Movie. He is shocked by the results.)

Calvin: No way!

Hobbes: What is it?

(There is a beat)

Calvin: 0% based on 50 reviews!

Hobbes: HA! I knew it!

(Calvin glares at him.)

Hobbes: I mean, that's terrible! What will you do?

Calvin: Start writing the sequel!

(Calvin rushes out of the room.)

Hobbes: (sighs) When will he learn...

Cast for Ye Olde Calvin
Tom Kenny as Calvin Grayson

Owen Wilson as Hobbes Grayson

Special Guest Voice: Michael Fassbender as Sir Gallahad

Cast for Calvin: The Movie
Tom Kenny as Calvin Grayson

Owen Wilson as Hobbes Grayson

Jennifer Lawrence as Susie Derkins

Jeremy Irons as Moe Westing

Paul Rudd as Tom Grayson

Scarlett Johansson as Anna Grayson

Special Guest Voice: Michael Bay as himself

Special Guest Voice: Amy Poehler as herself

Special Guest Voice: David Cross as himself