Tuna Heist Transcript

Scene 1: The plan
(Episode Starts with Calvin and Hobbes sleeping)

Hobbes: (Sleepy) Mmm, something smells good.

Calvin: (Wakes up) What?

Hobbes: Mmm, smells like Nirvana, no wait. Smells like human.

(Hobbes attempts to eat Calvin)

Calvin: OW! HEY! LEGGO YOU FLEABAG! YOUR DREAMING! HEY! HEY!

(Cuts to Calvin's Parents room)

Calvin: (Muffled) GET OFF ME! YOU'LL BE A CANNIBAL IF YOU EAT ME YOU MORON!

Mom: Not again...

(Cuts to the next morning and Hobbes is eating Breakfast)

Calvin: Ugh, I'm so tired...

Hobbes: I feel so rested, I had one of the best sleeps of my life last night!

Calvin: Yeah, because you were trying to eat me as usual...

Hobbes: Well, I crave tuna, and if I don't have my tuna, I'll start trying to eat humans.

Calvin: That makes no sense at all...

Mrs. Grayson: Come on Calvin, we're going to the store.

(Cuts to Calvin and Mrs. Grayson at the store, and Calvin is seen noticing where all the Tuna is at during the shopping trip, and the Manager notices Calvin staring at the Tuna.)

Manager: That kid most have some liking or disgust to Tuna...

(Cuts back to Calvin's room)

Hobbes: You know, if you want me to stop trying to eat you at night, you could get me some tuna.

Calvin: That's what I'm planning on doing on my own.

Hobbes: How?

Calvin: I'll get you so much Tuna, that you won't even know what to do with it all!

Hobbes: What are you up to now?

Calvin: None of your buisness.

Hobbes: I'm not going to even bother this time...

Scene 2: The robbery
(Cuts to the next day at the Supermarket, Calvin enters the store alone, in his Stupendous Man costume)

Calvin: With my genius disguise, this heist will be a piece of cake!

(Calvin runs to the tuna isle, and starts stacking tuna in a bag)

(Cuts to an office with security cameras)

Manager: Hmm, seems normal, wait, what's that?

(Shows Calvin in costume putting tuna in a bag)

Manager: Great, a loon trying to steal my entire tuna supply for the store, just what I needed today...

(Cuts back to Calvin finishing getting all the tuna in the bag)

Calvin: Finally! Now to get this back home to Hobbes!

Manager: Hey kid! Don't move a muscle!

Calvin: Oh crud! (Runs off with the bag and out of the store, with the manager chasing him)

Manager: Get back here with my tuna kid!

Calvin: No way! I need this so my tiger doesn't almost eat me!

Manager: Wait what?

(Calvin grabs a Skateboard left unattended and skates off with it)

Calvin: Ha! I'm home free now!

Manager: Operator! There's a crazy kid in a superhero costume who robbed my tuna!

Operator: Uh... okay... I'll tell some of our officers around the area to keep a look out for him.

Manager: That kid took all of my tuna! ALL OF IT!

Operator: All of it?! Geez, that kid must love tuna or something.

(Cuts to a police officer in his car)

Opeartor: Hey Kevin, be on the look out for a kid in a superhero costume. He stole all the tuna from the supermarket, and the manager is furious.

Officer: All right, I'll be on the lookout. (Sighs) Why don't I ever get any normal calls?

Operator: I ask myself the same question every day.

(Cuts to Calvin on the skateboard)

Calvin: Ha! That was a breeze! Now to get this to Hobbes and I'll be able to sleep like a king tonight! Ha ha!

(Police Car approaches and starts chasing Calvin, with its flashers and sirens going)

Officer: Hey! Stop right where you are kid!

Calvin: I'm not a kid! I'm STUPENDOUS MAN! Advocate of Liberty! Foe of Tyranny!

Officer: Whatever, Stupendous Man... Just give up and surrender and make our jobs a whole lot easier okay?

Calvin: Never! Stupendous Man will never admit defeat!

Officer: Oh yeah? Well I'll have you know that I can-

(Notices Calvin has dissapeared)

Officer: (Gets out of car) Great, now I got to look on foot for a kid in a superhero costume. Just what I wanted to do today...

(Cuts to Calvin running through the forest)

Calvin: OK. Now just to get this tuna to Hobbes and...

(Calvin notices cop cars pulled in front of his house.)

Calvin: Oh, crud.

(An officer throws Calvin in the back of a cop car.)

Officer: Alright, kid. We're gonna take you to court in the morning. If he rules you guilty, you'll have to go to jail.

Scene 3: The courtroom
(Calvin is sitting inside a courtroom.)

Bailiff: Ladies and Gentlemen, Judge Lazarus.

(Judge Lazarus takes his position and sits down.)

Judge Lazarus: Please be seated. Today is the court case of Calvin vs. Stop and Shop Supermarket. Plaintiff may rise.

(Officer stands up)

Officer: I caught this kid running through the forest with the entire supply of tuna from Stop and Shop.

Judge Lazarus: I see. Defendant, do you defend this statement?

Calvin: Yes I do. Icky girls and gentlemen of the jury, I was trying to steal all the tuna to give to my roommate!

Judge Lazarus: So your roommate loves tuna?

Calvin: Of course he does! He's a tiger, you imbecile!

(Judge Lazarus bursts out laughing.)

Judge Lazarus: HA! A tiger for a roommate! If that was true you wouldn't be here right now!

Calvin: I know! Two nights ago he tried to EAT ME! And I have proof!

(Calvin shows a picture of Hobbes, in suffed animal form, getting eaten by Calvin)

Calvin: Uhh....

Judge Lazarus: Mr. Grayson, if we cannot get a true story out of you, I will have to rule you GUILTY!

Calvin: WHAT? THIS COURTROOM IS RIGGED, ISN'T IT? SOMEDAY, JUDGE OSIRIS, I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL!

Baliff: Shessh, that kid has some colorful language for being only six...

Judge Lazarus: And just for that, I also find you guilty on the charge of contempt of court. Court is adjourned! (Slams gavel)

(The cops drag Calvin out of the room.)

Calvin: LET GO OF ME YOU IDIOTS! MY DAD'S A PATENT ATTORNEY! EVEN THOUGH THAT DOESN'T HELP ME AT ALL! I'LL TAKE THIS TO JUDGE JUDY IF I HAVE TO!

Scene 4: The jail
(Calvin is sitting on a steel bench in a prison cell, looking bored.)

Calvin: Hey, cop man? Got any comic books?

Cop: No.

Calvin: WHAT KIND OF PRISON IS THIS?

Cop: Shut up!

(The cop bangs his nightstick against the cell to shut Calvin up.)

Hobbes: Psst...

(Calvin looks at the window bars. He sees Hobbes waving at him.)

Hobbes: I've come to bust you out.

Calvin: Too bad. I actually like it here. You know, you're the one who got me into this mess!

Hobbes: OK. I'm sorry that I tried to eat you. I was just hungry at night.

Calvin: OK. bust me out of here. How?

Hobbes: I raided a pickup truck.

Calvin: There's no need. I was sentenced to a whole day and I'm getting out soon.

Hobbes: So I basically did that for nothing...

Calvin: Yeah, pretty much.

(Officer comes up)

Officer: OK, Calvin. Your sentence is up.

Calvin: Finally!

(Calvin zooms out of the prison and into Hobbes' arms.)

Calvin: Good to see you again. And I actually have a suggestion for not eating me at night...

(Cut to Hobbes sleeping in the kitchen.)

Hobbes: I don't know why I agreed to this...

(Cut to black)

Calvin: Where are you going? Get right back here, because the Calvin and Hobbes Show will be right back!