Field Trip Fiasco transcript

This is the transcript for Field Trip Fiasco.

Scene 1: The Wagon Ride
(We open to Calvin and Hobbes zooming through the forest in their wagon. Calvin is a terrible driver, only barely being able to avoid crashing into trees, and when he turns he nearly sends Hobbes flying out of the wagon.)

Calvin: I've got some good news, Hobbes.

Hobbes: You've decided you've had enough and we can go home now?

Calvin: No, Miss Wormwood's taking the class on a field trip to the museum. All I need to do is get this permission slip signed- (pulls out sheet of paper with writing on it) -and I'll be looking at dinosaurs by tomorrow morning!

Hobbes: But what if your parents don't sign that permission slip?

Calvin: Hobbes, you're always so negative. Of COURSE my parents will sign it!

(Wagon crashes into a tree and explodes.)

Scene 2: The Forgery
(Cut to the inside of Calvin's house. Calvin is talking to his dad, who is sitting in his armchair.)

Calvin's dad: No.

Calvin: Whaddya mean no!?

Calvin's dad: No, I won't sign your permission slip.

Calvin: But why?

Calvin's dad: Because you knocked out your baby sitter, flushed her chemistry notes down the toilet, sliced up the bathroom door, and pelted the girl next door with water balloons.

Calvin (counting on his fingers): Hobbes knocked Rosalyn out, not me. I only flushed one of Rosalyn's notes down the toilet, and she was the one who sliced up the bathroom door, not me. And Susie deserved a good pelting.

Calvin's dad: Riiiight.

(Cut to Calvin and Hobbes in their room.)

Calvin: Well, that went well.

Hobbes: I have an idea. Let me see that permission slip and that pink pen.

(Calvin hands Hobbes what he asked for, and Hobbes folds the permission slip into a heart shape. He then takes the top off the pen and pours the ink all over the permission slip. Hobbes then runs out of the room.)

Calvin: Hey, come back!

(Calvin chases Hobbes into the bathroom. Hobbes gets out the blow dryer and uses it to dry the ink.)

Hobbes: Okay, now get your dad to sign the bottom. Say you're making an apology card for Rosalyn.

Calvin: Okay, but I don't see how this is going to help me get on the field trip.

(Cut to downstairs. Calvin walks up to his dad.)

Calvin: Hey dad, I think you were right. I was a real jerk to Rosalyn, and I'm sorry, so I'm making an apology card. Could you sign it? Just along the bottom.

Calvin's dad: It's nice to see you owning up to your actions! You know, doing things like that builds character!

Calvin: Yeah, yeah, just sign the bottom.

(Calvin's dad signs the bottom in pencil. Cut to Calvin's room. Hobbes is reading a comic when Calvin walks in.)

Calvin: I got Dad to sign the card, but I don't see how it's going to help.

Hobbes: Let me show you.

(Hobbes runs into the bathroom, unfolds the card back into the permission slip, and washes off the pink ink. Calvin runs in, and Hobbes gives him the permission slip.)

Calvin: Oh man! Hobbes, it looks just like dad signed the permission slip!

Hobbes: Well, he did! He just didn't know it. Now let's go over the signature in pen, and... there!

(Calvin hugs Hobbes.)

Calvin: Thanks, Hobbes! I'll make sure to pick up some tuna on the way home.

Scene 3: The Bus Ride
(Cut to Calvin's school. Everyone is getting onto the bus, handing their permission slips to Miss Wormwood as they do so. Calvin is behind Susie in the line. Eventually, he starts getting onto the bus.)

Miss Wormwood: Not so fast, Calvin. You need a permission slip to go on the field trip, and if you don't have one, you'll have to-

Calvin: Here's my permission slip.

(Calvin gets on the bus.)

Miss Wormwood: Ugh, that little freak will wreak havoc at the museum. (sighs) I wish he wasn't coming to the museum with us. In fact, I wish he wasn't even coming to this school.

(Calvin sits down in his assigned bus seat. A couple seconds later, Susie sits down next to him.)

Calvin: SUSIE?! What the heck are YOU doing here?!

Susie: Sitting in my assigned bus seat.

Calvin: I CAN'T BELIEVE MISS WORMWOOD PUT ME NEXT TO A GIRL!!

Susie: And I can't believe Miss Wormwood put me next to you!

Calvin: What have you got against me?

Susie: You're a jerk, and you caused the Salamander Incident.

Calvin: When are you going to believe me when I tell you that I didn't do it?

Susie: When pigs fly.

(The bus pulls away from Calvin's school as Calvin and Susie continue to bicker.)

Scene 4: The Museum
(Cut to the exterior of the museum. A stegosaurus statue decorates the door. The bus pulls up and the kids get off. Calvin and Susie are still arguing.)

Miss Wormwood: Well class, here we are. Now remember, when you're in the museum, be quiet, don't touch anything, and don't run.

Everyone except Calvin, Susie, and Miss Wormwood: YAAAAAY!

(The entire class runs into the museum, except for Calvin and Susie, who are slapping each other with one hand and trapping each other with the other hand.)

Miss Wormwood: Calvin! Leave Susie alone!

Calvin: But she started-

Miss Wormwood: I don't want to hear it.

(Calvin, Susie, and Miss Wormwood walk into the museum. Susie sticks her tongue out at Calvin.)

Tour Guide: Alright everyone, gather 'round. I'm going to be your tour guide for this trip, and I would like to remind everyone of the rules. As I'm sure your teacher has told you, there is no...

(Tour Guide's voice fades away as Calvin draws his dart gun and fires a shot at Susie. Susie chases after Calvin and they run into a hall full of statues. Calvin runs a zigzag pattern around the statues, but Susie is fast enough to keep up, so Calvin shoots a few more darts at her. Eventually, they burst into a hall of paintings. Susie suddenly stops.)

Susie: OH NO! We have to get back to the class right now!

Calvin: Ah, Susie, you worry to much. They're still by the entrance. What could go wrong?

(Cut to the entrance. No one is there except Calvin and Susie.)

Susie: "Ah, Susie, you worry to much. They're still by the entrance. What could go wrong?"

Calvin: Shut up.

(Susie walks over to the information desk. The man who's usually there is gone, most likely to the bathroom.)

Calvin: What're you doing?

Susie: If I can figure out the type of tour the class is taking, then I can figure out where they are. And I can use this computer to do that.

(Susie starts typing on the computer.)

Susie: Um... we may have a small problem.

Calvin: Of course we have a problem, Susie! We're separated from the class and lost in the museum!

Susie: No! I mean this computer is password protected, and I don't know the password!

Calvin: Oh for goodness sake!

(Calvin walks over to Susie's side and hits several keys.)

Susie: Do you know the password?

Calvin: No, but I know how to hack computers.

Susie: But that's illegal!

Calvin: Nobody's going to know we did it, and besides, I'm already done.

(Calvin hits a key, and the computer makes a sound like "Ding!" Susie looks at the screen. She now has full access to everything the computer has to offer.)

Susie: Okaaay... looks like the class is going on the Deluxe Tour. Judging by the speed of normal guided museum tours and the rooms this tour goes through, I'd say they're in the human history room. We can cut through the Arms & Armor exhibit, then meet up with them in the dinosaur wing.

Calvin: Oboy! I love dinosaurs! I'm going to be a paleontologist when I grow up! And I'm going to discover a new species of theropod and name it-

Susie: Calvinosaurus. We know. You've gone on this rant about a million times and I've had to listen all those million times, and if I have to listen one more time I'll die of boredom.

Calvin: Shut up.

Scene 5: Arms & Armor
(Cut to the Arms & Armor exhibit.)

Calvin: While dinosaurs are my favorite thing in this museum, the Arms & Armor has got to be a close second. I mean, look at that dagger! It's exactly my size!

Susie: C'mon Calvin, we need to catch up with the rest of the class.

(Susie walks away toward the door, only to hear a smashing sound.)

Susie: Calvin, please tell me you didn't just steal that dagger.

Calvin: I didn't just steal that dagger.

Susie: Oh good, that's a relief.

(Security Guard walks in.)

Security Guard: Hey kid, put that dagger back!

Calvin: RUN!!

(Calvin and Susie start running around the statues of knights and their horses wearing armor, with the security guard hot on their heels.)

Susie: Why'd you tell me you didn't steal the dagger?!

Calvin: That's what you told me to say!

(Susie looks over her shoulder.)

Susie: He's gaining on us! Wait, why am I worried? It's you he's after, not me.

(Susie sticks out her foot and trips Calvin, who scrambles onto one of the statues.)

Security Guard: Get down from there RIGHT NOW, kid!

Calvin: Okay, here I come!

(Calvin grabs the lance of the knight statue and jumps toward the security guard, pulling the statue along with him. Calvin swings himself up onto the lance as the stature falls, and the security guard manages to catch it, but now he can't let go or it'll squish him.)

Security Guard: Okay kid, you're gonna be in big trouble after I get out from under this thing!

Calvin: If you get out.

(Calvin runs out of the exhibit, and Susie tries to free the security guard, meeting little success.)

Scene 6: The Dinosaur Exhibit
(Cut to the dinosaur exhibit. The tour guide is showing Calvin's class a T-Rex skeleton when Calvin bursts in.)

Miss Wormwood: CALVIN! Where have you been?

(Susie runs in.)

Susie: He's been hacking computers, stealing artifacts, and attacking the security guard!

Calvin: THAT'S NOT TRUE!

Susie: It is SO true, and if you look at the security cameras you'll see the proof!

Calvin: Oh yes, the security cameras... Heh heh heh!

Susie: What did you do?

Calvin: Oh, nothing.

Susie: Tell me what you did or else! (pounds fist into her hand)

(The museum fades away into a tropical forest full of strange plants. The class is now a pack of Edmontosaurs, Susie has become an unusually large Triceratops, and Calvin is a huge theropod dinosaur.)

Calvin (Who will be called Calvinosaurus until this fantasy ends): The mighty Calvinosaurus, king of the Cretaceous, is faced with a challenger. He charges forward, his huge muscles pounding and his razor-sharp teeth outstretched! The Calvinosaurus takes a bite out of its opponent, and he likes the taste.

(The Triceratops roars at the Calvinosaurus and charges forward, colliding with the huge dinosaur and pushing it backward. The Calvinosaurus bites with its teeth and slashes with its claws, but the Triceratops is undeterred, its anger keeping it going. The two dinosaurs collide with a cliff, their impact causing the cliff to start to collapse. Cut to the real world. Calvin and Susie are locked in a struggle and bump into the T-Rex skeleton, knocking out one of the leg bones. The whole dinosaur begins to shake.)

Susie: Look out! It's gonna fall!

Calvin: Not on my watch!

Susie: What are you, a superhero?

Calvin: Nope.

(Calvin ties a bungee cord to a dart, loads it into his dart gun, and fires it at the ceiling, allowing him to grapple up to a light fixture. Calvin rips the dart off the ceiling and fires it again at the T-Rex before tying the other end of the bungee cord to the light fixture. Calvin repeats the process twice, tying a bungee cord to a dart and shooting it at the T-Rex skeleton. On the fourth time, he fires two bungee darts at once and the darts stick to the skeleton's head, stopping the T-Rex's fall.)

Calvin: I'm a dinosaur. ROOOAAR!

Scene 7: Home Again
(Cut to Calvin's house. Calvin and Hobbes are watching TV and eating cake in the living room, and Calvin is explaining what happened to Hobbes.)

Calvin: My punishment was completely unfair! I got barred from ever going on a field trip again!

Hobbes: I'm surprised they didn't tell your parents.

Calvin: Well, when I was hacking the computers I uploaded a virus that meant all images wearing red weren't picked up. So they didn't have any proof, and they decided that since I saved everyone, they wouldn't tell my parents what they thought happened. And the director of paleontology gave me 20 bucks in secret to thank me for saving the dinosaur.

Hobbes: And you spent that 20 bucks on cake and a copy of Jurassic World.

Calvin: Yep!

Hobbes: There's one thing I don't get. How were your darts so sticky? And should't they have broken under the strain of holding up a dinosaur skeleton?

Calvin: The rods of these darts are actually metal, and there's a special solovent on the suction cup that makes them super sticky. Before I met you, I had a lot of time on my hands.

Hobbes: And how'd you get the-

Calvin: I always carry around a bunch of bungee cords. Just in case.

Hobbes: Well, I guess it ended pretty well for us, all things considered.

Calvin: Yeah, and in all the chaos, no one realized I swiped this.

(Calvin holds up the dagger from earlier. Hobbes sighs.)