The Incredible Shrinking Calvin transcript

This is the transcript for The Incredible Shrinking Calvin.

Scene 1: Calvinball
(The episode starts with Calvin and Hobbes playing Calvinball in the backyard. Calvin steals Hobbes' flag.)

Calvin: Hah! I got the flag and threw the Calvinball in the Bonus Box, so that's two thousand points to me and you have to go back to the jump area!

Hobbes: Sorry, but I tagged the opposite pole, so you lost two thousand points and I get free passage to wicket five!

Calvin: Fine, I'm at Blerga.

(Hobbes walks to a wicket with a note saying 5 tacked on.)

Hobbes: And I'm at Oerga.

Calvin: WHAT! HOW DID YOU GET TO OERGA?! YOU WERE ONLY AT MERGA THE LAST TIME I CHECKED!

Hobbes: I had to go through the trap zone to get to the opposite pole and I didn't get caught in any traps, so I got 22 points.

Calvin: Is that enough to get you all the way to Oerga?

Hobbes: It is if I say it is.

Calvin: Fine, but I tagged wickets four to nine in reverse order, so I get to hit you with a croquet mallet while you're on a skateboard.

(Hobbes gets on a skateboard and dodges Calvin's repeated attempts to hit him with the mallet, so Calvin hits the skateboard itself, launching Hobbes all the way back to the trap zone, where the skateboard hits a tripwire, causing a butterfly net to swing down from a tree and catch Hobbes. Calvin runs under him with a sack.)

Calvin: Hah! All your points are falling out through the holes in the net, and I caught them all!

Hobbes: Look out! You stepped right into a vortex spot!

Calvin's mom (off-screen): Calvin, lunch!

Calvin: Guess we'd better go in.

Scene 2: The Shrinking
(Cut to Calvin's room. Lunch is over, and Calvin is bringing Hobbes tuna.)

Hobbes: Amazing.

(The doorbell rings.)

Calvin's mom (off-screen): Get the door, would you, Calvin?

Calvin: Get it yourself! What am I, your personal slave!?

Calvin's mom: Your father is doing important work for the lawyer firm, and I'm working on a letter to my grandmother.

Calvin: Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

(Calvin walks downstairs in slow motion as horror movie music plays. Close up on his hand as he opens the door. Absolutely no one is there.)

Calvin: Must be a prank.

(Rosalyn, who was on the roof, jumps down and blasts Calvin with her Tesla rifle, knocking him out.)

Rosalyn: Too easy.

(Rosalyn empties the purple contents of a test tube onto Calvin, who starts to wake up.)

Calvin: Nnnnhh... what the?

(Parts of Calvin's body start to shrink, first the fingers on his right hand, then his left leg, then his left arm, then his face, then his left hand, then his body, then his right leg, and finally his head.)

Calvin (high-pitched): GGAAAAAHH!

Rosalyn: Now, Calvin, I'm going to squish you like the bug you are.

(Rosalyn brings her foot down, but Calvin dodges and ducks under the armchair he and Hobbes watch TV on. Rosalyn shoots her Tesla rifle under the chair, and we hear Calvin's scream and smoke starts to come out.)

Rosalyn: Heh ha ha ha ha ha ha haaa!

(Rosalyn leaves. Cut to under the chair. A fly has been electrocuted to death by Rosalyn's electric blast and its dead body is giving off the smoke. Calvin has drawn back from the fly, panting for breath and white as a ghost.)

Scene 3: Calvin Tries To Get Help
(Calvin leaves his hiding place.)

Calvin (still high-pitched): I need to find help, but how? I know! Mom said she was writing a letter to Grandma! Maybe I can use that to my advantage!

(Calvin runs across the floor as dramatic music plays. He has a determined look on his face, and after a couple minutes of this, the camera pans out to show that Calvin has only gotten halfway to the stairs. Cut to Calvin's mom writing her letter. A timer goes off.)

Calvin's mom: Cookies are done!

(Cut to Calvin. Massive earthquakes shudder through the house as his mom walks downstairs. He is sent flying into a mouse hole, and confronted by a horse-sized mouse.)

Calvin: I really wish I had that dagger I stole right now.

(Calvin's mom takes out the cookies and sets them on the counter to cool. She goes upstairs as a scuffling sound is heard from the mouse hole. Calvin comes out riding the mouse.)

Calvin: High-ho Silver! Away!

(Calvin rides toward the trash can. He uses the mouse as a springboard to reach the top, then drags out a ketchup bottle and throws it onto the pedal, catapulting toward the stairs.)

Calvin: I take to the sky like a- (smacks into the step) bug... squashed bug that is...

(Cut to the top of the stairs. Calvin climbs up, out of breath. A cookoo clock goes off, marking twelve o'clock.)

Calvin: Twelve o'clock? Oh no! I've been a human insect for a whole hour! I need to get help, fast!

(Calvin slides under the door to his mom's room.)

Calvin's mom: I've been working on this letter for a while now. Time for a break.

(She leaves, causing shockwaves that throw Calvin out of the room. He growls in frustration, then runs back in. He climbs up the bed, rushes over to the desk, and leaps onto the typewriter.)

Calvin: Please let this work.

(He jumps on a bunch of keys.)

Calvin: Now let's hope Mom gets in. She'll see this and understand exactly what YAAAAAA!

(A frog sitting by the window shoots out its tongue and yanks Calvin into his mouth. He jumps out and slides down the rain gutter, landing on the edge of the rain barrel. Calvin jumps down onto a lawn gnome, then runs away as the frog chases him. Hobbes looks out the bedroom window.)

Hobbes: Is that Calvin? Nah, couldn't be.

Calvin's mom: (off-screen, muffled) Who wrote "help im a bug" on my letter to Grandma?

Hobbes: Oh my God... Rosalyn!

Scene 4: In The Woods
(Calvin runs into the woods and the frog chases him. Eventually, he jumps onto a discarded bucket and runs on it as it rolls into the stream. He jumps in as it floats away.)

Calvin: Phew, that was a close one.

(The frog starts pulling itself over the rim of the bucket.)

Calvin: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(The frog starts dragging Calvin into its mouth with its tongue. Calvin sticks his heels into the bucket, but the frog is undeterred.)

Calvin: NO NO NO NO NO NO DON'T EAT ME! I TASTE TERRIBLE! HOBBES TRIED TO EAT ME WHEN HE WAS DREAMING ABOUT TUNA AND HE SAID I TASTE TERRIBLE! TRUST HIM, HE'S USUALLY RIGH-

(The frog pulls him into its mouth. Suddenly, Hobbes picks it up and shakes it until Calvin falls out of its mouth. Hobbes catches him, sets him down on a stump, and impales the frog with a claw.)

Hobbes: Dinnertime!

Calvin (traumatized): I'll never look at frogs the same way again as long as I lived. That thing was vicious! Powerful! Terrifying! And it really needed a breath mint!

Hobbes: Rosalyn shrunk you, right?

Calvin: How'd you guess?

Hobbes: Who else is crazy enough to spend what has to be tons of time on something as complicated as a shrink ray just to use it on you?

Calvin: It was a shrink serum, and it doesn't matter who did it! What matters is I can't stay a human insect! It'll take me like twenty minutes just to read two pages of my homework!

Hobbes: I bet I can make an anti-shrink serum with some help from the computer, but first, we'll need the serum itself.

Calvin: Easy, she left her shoes the first time she babysat us, and you can use them to sniff her out!

Hobbes: Sniff her out? What do you think I am, a bloodhound?!

Calvin: No, you're a tiger. And tigers actually have a really good sense of smell.

Hobbes: I guess you're right. Let's go!

(Hobbes runs off. Calvin waits a bit, then Hobbes comes back.)

Hobbes: What's the holdup, man?

Calvin: Listen, I can take more punishment than the average six-year-old, but if I jump off the stump I'll break my neck.

Hobbes: Oh, sorry.

(He grabs Calvin and runs off.)

Scene 5: Rosalyn's Lair
(Cut to a manhole cover in the street. Hobbes walks up holding Calvin and a pair of shoes.)

Hobbes: Okay. I think she's down here.

Calvin: Good. I'm ready to become normal sized again.

(Hobbes removes the manhole cover and goes down into the sewer. He sniffs the shoes, then goes through a tunnel and they arrive at a large metal door.)

Calvin: This door looks to be pretty high security. I think I can unlock it if I-

(Hobbes kicks the door in.)

Hobbes: Not enough high security for me!

Calvin: HOBBES! She's gonna notice!

Hobbes: She obviously isn't here right now. (notices Calvin's look) Hey, even deranged, homicidal baby sitters have to go shopping!

Calvin: Let's just hurry up and find the shrink serum.

Hobbes: Wait here.

(He sets Calvin down, then throws in one of the shoes, which falls through a trapdoor.)

Hobbes: Okay, let's avoid that spot.

(He throws in the other shoe, which gets crushed by a steel beam.)

Hobbes: And that one.

(He kicks in a rock, which is blown to Kingdom Come by gunfire.)

Hobbes: Watch out for that spot, too.

(They enter, and Hobbes skirts a wide birth around the trapdoor and the buttons triggering the steel beam and the gunfire. They eventually reach Rosalyn's chemistry table.)

Hobbes: Okay, which one is the shrink serum?

Calvin: That one.

Hobbes: Okay, let's see about this.

Calvin: Wait a minute. (jumps onto Rosalyn's computer and hacks into it) There. Now you can use Roz's computer.

Hobbes: Thanks.

(Hobbes takes the shrink serum off of Rosalyn's test tube rack and pours a drop of the serum onto a slide. He puts the slide in Rosalyn's computer, and hits a few keys, bringing up a description of the serum's chemical makeup. After consulting it a few times, he pours a couple chemicals into the vial of shrink serum, turning it blue.)

Hobbes: There, this should cure you.

Rosalyn: I don't think so.

(Hobbes quickly sets the antidote down in the test tube rack and grabs Rosalyn's wrists to prevent her from attacking.)

Hobbes: Calvin... get... the serum!

(Calvin climbs the test tube rack and jumps into the test tube with the antidote. Rosalyn throws Hobbes at a wall, but suddenly the ground begins to shake.)

Rosalyn: Drat it!

(She runs away as Calvin bursts from the test tube, growing to his normal size as he falls to the floor. However, he doesn't stop growing. Calvin's head bursts through the ceiling and he emerges from the sewers into the streets, becoming 50 feet tall.)

Calvin: RAAAAWR!

(He starts marching through the city, punching holes into buildings.)

Hobbes: This will not end well.

Scene 6: Attack of the 50 Foot Calvin
(Rosalyn runs through the sewers only to get knocked to the ground by a blast of electricity.)

Hobbes: (holding Rosalyn's Tesla rifle) See? Hurts, doesn't it?

Rosalyn: Get away from me, you animal!

Hobbes: Not 'till you tell me why Calvin is acting like this!

Rosalyn: Isn't it obvious? You are a terrible chemist! I am the best chemist in history, and it took me months to make the shrink serum!

Hobbes: So what'd I do wrong?

Rosalyn: I'd tell you, but it'll cost you. Maybe... in gold.

Hobbes: (shoots her with the Tesla rifle) Do you take Tesla blasts? Hey, wake up!

Rosalyn: Uggh. His... brain's still... shrunken...

Hobbes: So, I have to make his brain grow, then shrink him to normal size? Got it!

(Hobbes runs off, then comes back, blasts Rosalyn again, and runs off again. Meanwhile, Calvin continues his rampage through the city. Hobbes jumps out of the hole in the street with a dart rifle, loaded with the shrink serum and the growth serum. He climbs up a fire escape to the top of a building opposite Calvin.)

Hobbes: Hey, lady!

Calvin: ROOOOOOOOOOOAAAR!

Hobbes: Knew that'd get his attention.

(Helicopters arrive and start shooting at Calvin, who swats at them. Hobbes jumps into one of the helicopters and gets into a fight with its pilot, eventually managing to win the fight, shoot a missile at Calvin's forehead, and shoot the growth serum into Calvin's wound.)

Calvin: OWWW! Hey! What the... why am I so big?

(Hobbes shoots Calvin with the shrink serum, returning him to his normal size.)

Calvin: That was weird.

(Hobbes lands the helicopter.)

Calvin: HOBBES!

Hobbes: CALVIN!

(They hug for a second.)

Calvin: We should probably go before those army guys get us.

Hobbes: Good plan.

(They run off, return to their house, and go into the kitchen to swipe some cake and tuna.)

Calvin: (eating cake) You know, Hobbes, this episode is almost over, and we don't have a scary/touching/funny bit yet. Shall we add one?

Hobbes: Sure, but let's not make it funny. This is a relatively serious show.

(They run off panel, and return quickly.)

Hobbes: (wrapped in toilet paper) Muuuh... uuuh.. gruuuh... other mummy noises...

Calvin: Rhett, oh Rhett, have a heart! (turns 180 degrees) Frankly, my dear, I don't give a darn.

Hobbes: Wait a minute, Calvin, this is funny!

Calvin: No, it's censored!

Hobbes: You see, that's a joke!

Calvin: Who are you calling a joke!

Hobbes: Clown!

Calvin: Fleabag!

(They start fighting, and the episode ends.)