The Invention transcript

This is the transcript for The Invention.

Scene 1: The Hospital
(We open to the hospital. Calvin is lying in his hospital bed hooked up to several machines. He isn't wearing clothes, but he is under the covers, which obscure his private parts. Calvin is eating cake and Hobbes is reclining next to him with a can of tuna. They are both watching Jurassic World on a portable TV.)

Calvin: Ah, this is the life.

Hobbes: Except for the fact that you pass out whenever someone breathes on you too hard.

Calvin: Well, yes, there's that. But I do get to eat as much cake as I want, and Mom brought us this porta-TV so we've got some entertainment. It is kind of a bummer that I can't get up, but I've got you here, so I don't need too.

Hobbes: Thanks, old buddy.

Calvin: And at least I'm out of that coma.

Hobbes: What was that like?

Calvin: Weird. Sort of like sleeping, only, y'know, for five weeks straight. But it was different. I... don't know how to describe it.

Hobbes: That's okay.

Calvin: Did you find out what happened to Rosalyn?

Hobbes: Yeah. She recovered a couple weeks before you did, and then she got sent to the insane asylum. Again. If they ever manage to cure her masyltrixia, she'll be sent to prison for two years.

Calvin: From what I read on her medical file, she doesn't want to be cured. Or if she does, she's so insane she doesn't know it.

Hobbes: I would not want to be her cellmate.

(Jurassic World ends.)

Calvin: Change the channel to Fallen Kingdom, would you?

Hobbes: Sure, but it might take a while.

Calvin: Well, while you're doing that, why don't you tell me about your life before you met me?

Hobbes: Okay. I lived in India, and it was a pretty good life. I had a girlfriend, Adhira. We were the King and Queen of the Jungle, and we ate all the tuna in the stream. But then we got captured by poachers and shipped to the zoo. We started a new life there, and it was okay. They taught me to walk on my hind legs for a trick, and I liked doing that, so I did it all the time. Some kid dropped an encyclopedia into our enclosure, and I learned to speak English from that. Eventually, we tried to escape the zoo. I got away, but Adhira... didn't. They caught her, and as I was running into the woods, I... heard a gunshot.

(Hobbes is crying by the end of the story.)

Calvin: I'm so sorry.

Hobbes: It's okay. I met you, and now I've got the perfect disguise to make sure I never get taken back there. Oh, would you look at that! I found Fallen Kingdom 's channel!

Scene 2: Homecoming
(A title card saying Two Weeks Later flashes across the screen. Cut to Calvin, Hobbes, and Calvin's parents in a car, driving down the highway.)

Calvin's dad: So good to finally see you out of that hospital bed. I bet you're real anxious to get back to your room, huh son?

Calvin: Surprisingly, yes. And it feels kinda weird to be wearing clothes again.

Calvin's mom: It's so great to know you're going to be okay!

(The car pulls up at Calvin's house. Calvin jumps out and drags Hobbes toward the door, but stops short upon noticing Susie standing in front of it.)

Calvin: What are you doing here?

Susie: I missed you.

(Susie hugs Calvin. After she finally lets go, he looks taken aback. Susie, embarrassed, runs home.)

Calvin: Okay, that was... weird, to say the least..

Calvin's mom: Well, go in!

(Calvin walks in and discovers a huge chocolate cake, balloons, and a banner saying WELCOME BACK CALVIN! There are several presents under the cake.)

Calvin: You guys did all this for me?

Calvin's dad: You're our son.

Calvin: And you're not going to lecture me about how refusing this stuff builds character?

Calvin's mom: Don't tempt him.

(Everyone laughs, even Calvin's dad. Hobbes covers his mouth so no one will hear him, but his sides are shaking. Calvin quickly puts his foot on Hobbes and makes it look like he's making Hobbes do that. Calvin's dad gets out a knife and hands it to Calvin.)

Calvin's dad: Quick, cut it before the icing melts!

(Cut to Calvin and Hobbes in their room. It's quite late, and Hobbes is eating some slices of cake that Calvin smuggled out for him. A few books, a journal, a DVD of Jurassic World, and a video game called Human Hunter are lying on the ground around Calvin's bed.)

Calvin: That was quite a homecoming.

Hobbes: At least you weren't forced to dance with your date, Susie.

Calvin: My date?

Hobbes: Don't think I missed Susie hugging you like that.

Calvin: That doesn't mean anything. And remember, I'm the dictator-for-life of G.R.O.S.S. I can't go out with some girl!

Hobbes: What we say sometimes isn't what we really think.

Calvin: Oh, shut up. I'm going to sleep.

Scene 3: Sunday Morning
(Cut to the next morning. Calvin and Hobbes playing their video game on the TV, and it apparently involves them taking control of a dinosaur and using it to try and eat people.)

Calvin: Now, this really is the life.

Hobbes: Yeah, but you'll have to go to school tomorrow.

Calvin: Don't remind me.

(Calvin's mom walks up.)

Calvin's mom: Here, I brought you some breakfast.

Calvin: Thanks, mom.

(Calvin notices Hobbes with a mournful look in his eye.)

Calvin: What's the matter?

Hobbes: Oh, nothing. I just wish I still had my mom around. Or Adhira.

Calvin: So you want another tiger around the house?

Hobbes: Don't take it the wrong way. You're a cool guy. I like you. I just miss my species, that's all.

Calvin: Hmm... I think I have an idea.

Scene 4: The Transmogrifier
(Cut to Calvin and Hobbes in the backyard. Calvin is standing next to a large object covered by a sheet.)

Calvin: Behold, my latest and greatest invention.

Hobbes: How am I supposed to behold anything while it's still under that sheet?

Calvin: I'll unveil it in a minute. This is something the world has never seen before. It could make power for an entire city... or destroy the moon. It could make friendships or break them. It could make a mountain into a molehill. I give you... the Transmogrifier!

(Calvin whips the sheet off, revealing a large cardboard box with

Transmog- 

Rifier

written on one side.)

Hobbes: How can that do any of what you just said?

Calvin: Look on that side.

(Hobbes does, noticing a cardboard arrow attached to it with several words such as Eel, Baboon, Giant Bug, and Dinosaur written around it. There is a hand-drawn button below all that.)

Hobbes: So?

Calvin: So, the Transmogrifier could theoretically turn anything into anything.

Hobbes: Wow! Have you tested it yet?

Calvin: I was just about to. You can help.

Hobbes: How?

Calvin: By pushing the button while I'm under the box!

Hobbes: You want to Transmogrify yourself?

Calvin: Sure, why not?

(Calvin writes something next to the dial.)

Hobbes: You've got your whole life ahead of you and you're throwing it away to test a machine with an unpronounceable name that might turn something into something else?!

Calvin: I'm not doing it to test the machine. I'm doing it for you.

(Calvin crawls under the Transmogrifier chamber.)

Calvin (muffled): Set the dial and hit the button, will ya?

Hobbes: I still think this is a bad idea, but what do you want to be?

Calvin: I wrote it next to the dial.

(Hobbes looks.)

Hobbes: OH. Oh. Calvin, you don't have to do this-

Calvin: Just hit the button already!

(Hobbes turns the dial to whatever Calvin wrote and hits the button. There is a loud zapping noise as two lightning bolts shoot out of the box. There is a flash of white light inside the box, so bright that it can be seen from the outside. Suddenly, everything stops and the Transmogrifier goes DING! and starts smoking.)

Hobbes: Did it work?

Calvin: I don't know. I can't see, there's a whole bunch of smoke in here. Let me out.

(Hobbes kicks the Transmogrifier, and it falls onto one side. A bunch of smoke pours out and there is a close up on the dial, mostly obscured by smoke. The smoke starts to clear and we see the word Tiger written next to the dial.)

Scene 5: Calvin the Tiger
(The smoke obscuring Calvin clears, showing a tiger walking on all fours. The tiger is about the size of Calvin, and it has parts that are still human on it. As we watch, electricity crackles over the tiger's body until it's completely a tiger.)

Calvin: Okay. Wow. This is- really weird. Super fuzzy. And wait, what's this? Oh, it's my tail! Having an extra limb- that's got to be the weirdest thing that machine did! Okay. I'm a tiger now. What should we do?

Hobbes: Hunt for prey.

Calvin: So, where do we find prey? Prey-R-Us?

Hobbes: In the woods.

Calvin: Well, let's go!

(Calvin and Hobbes race into the woods at top speed.)

Calvin: Ha-ha! Weee!

(Calvin runs up a ramp-like boulder and leaps into the air.)

Calvin: THIS IS THE GREATEST FEELING IN THE WORLD- OW!

(Calvin lands on his head.)

Hobbes: You okay?

Calvin: I think so. Ow. This new body is gonna take some getting used to.

Hobbes: See that brook?

Calvin: Yeah.

Hobbes: Our prey's in there.

Calvin: Alright! Let's get it!

(Calvin and Hobbes jump into the brook, causing a big splash. Several frogs go flying into the air.)

Hobbes: Get those frogs!

(Calvin and Hobbes leap around the brook, trying to grab the frogs. Calvin catches a few frogs, but drops them to grab another. Hobbes is standing in between two tree branches, trying to grab a frog that keeps jumping from branch to branch. Eventually, the frogs start hopping away down the brook, and Calvin and Hobbes chase after them until the frogs burrow away through the mud. Calvin and Hobbes fall over laughing.)

Calvin: That was the most fun I've had in my life!

Hobbes: Thanks! We can go get some tuna now.

Calvin: I thought you said we had to catch prey?

Hobbes: I may or may not have said that to show you how much fun we can have as tigers together.

Calvin: Hah! Well, are tigers sneaky?

Hobbes: We're the sneakiest cats ever!

Calvin: Good, because Mom isn't going to let two tigers have her good tuna.

Scene 5: The Trouble With Tigers
(Cut to the kitchen. Hobbes cuts a circle out of the window and boosts Calvin in. Calvin walks over to the fridge, still on all fours. He tries to get onto his hind legs to open the fridge, but can't really walk on his hind legs or use his paws to open the fridge.)

Calvin: It's hard to use my paws to open stuff! How do you do it?

Hobbes: It took months of practice.

Calvin: Well, we don't have months. Hop through the window and-

Calvin's mom (off-screen): Calvin is that you?

Calvin: Oh no, it's Mom! Hide!

(Hobbes ducks out of sight, and Calvin attempts to crawl through the hole in the glass, but can't get up high enough. Calvin's mom walks in and sees Calvin.)

Calvin: Hi.

(Calvin's mom faints.)

Calvin: Mom, wake up! It's only me, Calvin!

(Calvin's mom wakes up.)

Calvin's mom: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHH! HONEY! THERE'S A TIGER IN THE HOUSE PRETENDING TO BE OUR SON!

Calvin: I'm not pretending, I am your son! I invented a Transmogrifier and used it to become a tiger!

(Calvin's mom grabs a broom and starts attacking Calvin with it.)

Calvin: Ow! Stop that! I am Calvin, and I'll prove it! I have a stuffed tiger named Hobbes, and I go to Spittle Elementary, and I was arrested for suspected involvement in the Salamander Incident, but they couldn't prove anything, so I was released.

(Calvin's dad walks in.)

Calvin's dad: Honey, are you alrigh- GAH! I'M CALLING ANIMAL CONTROL!

Calvin: No, don't do that! I'm your son!

(Cut to the forest. Hobbes has rigged up a super soaker to Calvin's Transmogrifier.)

Hobbes: There. Hopefully this will turn Calvin back to normal.

(Calvin runs out the back door.)

Calvin: I better get out of here before Animal Control shows up!

(Calvin goes into the woods, where he literally bumps into Hobbes. Hobbes sets the dial on the Transmogrifier to Calvin and pushes the button, and it looks like water is being pumped through the hose. Hobbes pumps the handle and the super soaker fires out a blast of white light that hits Calvin, creating a blast of electricity and a puff of smoke. When the smoke clears, Calvin's body is crackling with electricity as the last of his fur vanishes. The electricity stops once Calvin is completely human.)

Calvin: What'd you do that for?!

Hobbes: Now you can go home.

Calvin: But I thought you wanted a tiger to be your friend.

Hobbes: I did, but you- are more than enough of a friend for me.

Calvin: Thanks.

(Cut to Calvin's house. Animal Control has arrived. Calvin walks through the door.)

Calvin's mom: Oh, thank God you're okay, Calvin!

Calvin: Okay? (strikes pose) Look at this! I'm more than okay!

(Everyone laughs.)

Animal Control Officer: Let's go find that tiger!

Calvin: You can try, but I have a feeling he's not going to be found.

Calvin's mom: Why?

Calvin: Because he already has been.

(Calvin embraces his parents as they look at each other, confused.)

Scene 6: The Escape
(Cut to the mental asylum.)

Psychiatrist 1: You're on for Patient 16-B.

Psychiatrist 2: Ugh, she gives me the creeps. We all know there's no curing her, anyway. Just send her to jail already.

Psychiatrist 1: That's what we all hope.

(Psychiatrist 2 walks over to a cell. He slowly opens the door to Rosalyn wearing a straitjacket.)

Psychiatrist 2: Time for your treatmeant.

(He is careful to sit as far away from Rosalyn as possible.)

Psychiatrist 2: So... can you tell me what you were thinking when you attacked the child?

Rosalyn: Yes. I could tell you, but I won't.

Psychiatrist 2: You're angry. I can tell that.

Rosalyn: Yes, I'm angry. Would you like to know why I'm angry? I'm angry because I'm confined to this cell, wearing a jacket that stops me from moving anything on my upper body, and worst of all, I have to endure these daily "treatmeants" to "cure" me. I don't need a cure. I am completely flawless! I do not have the limitations others possess, like compassion or mercy. And I am the greatest engineer the world has ever known.

(Rosalyn gets up and approaches Psychiatrist 2.)

Rosalyn: I am also a master escaper.

(She bites him on the arm and draws back immediately.)

Psychiatrist 2: GAH! SECURITY!

(Guards arrive and hold Rosalyn down. They leave with Psychiatrist 2, and Rosalyn spits out a pen, which she uses to make a cut in the straitjacket, pull her hands out, and take off the jacket. Rosalyn picks the lock on her cell using the pen and leaves it. She gets attacked by guards, who are no match for Rosalyn's pressure points, karate kicks, and backflips. Rosalyn enters the asylum director's office, knocks out the director, and reclaims her belongings, including her Tesla rifle and chemistry set.)

Rosalyn: Your move, Calvin.