Calvinball World Championships Transcript

Scene 1: The idea
(Episode starts with Calvin and Hobbes playing Calvinball in Calvin's backyard)

Hobbes: 30 Seconds left in the game! Still tied Ja to Ja!

(Hobbes runs with the basketball, but is tripped by Calvin, and Calvin takes the ball and begins to dribble it)

Hobbes: HEY! That's a foul for tripping!

Calvin: Well I'm the Ultimate Referee, so I say its clean!

Hobbes: Fine...

(Calvin dribbles the ball toward a tree with an "X" marked on it, but is knocked in the head with a Lacrosse stick by Hobbes and is pounced on as well, and Hobbes rushes the ball to another tree marked with "X" and throws it and hits the "X")

Hobbes: I WIN! HOBBES WINS IT JA TO LOO! YAHOO!

Calvin: NO GOOD! NO GOOD!

Hobbes: WHAT?!

Calvin: As Ultimate Referee, I declare the goal null and void for unnecessary roughness, and attempted murder. So you'll get a Flagerent 9 for that, and a Yellow Card as well, so one more dumb move and its a 500 year suspension. So the game is tied, but now how do we determine the winner?

Hobbes: We got to go into overtime, but have we've ever gone into overtime before in Calvinball?

Calvin: None that I can recall. Hmm...

(Calvin and Hobbes think for a moment)

Calvin: I got it! I'll get a Penalty Throw since you got a foul at the end, and whoever scores first wins!

Hobbes: Hey, that's not a bad idea!

(Calvin looks at the tree, and throws the basketball, but Hobbes comes out of nowhere and kicks the ball, all the way over to the "X" on the other tree, hitting it directly)

Hobbes: YES! I WIN! I STILL WIN EVEN THOUGH IT WAS RIGGED! YES! YES!

Calvin: We seriously need more people to play this...

Hobbes: Yeah, then it will be even more fun beating you.

Calvin: Shut up. We need to promote Calvinball, like a, World Championship event sorta thing.

Hobbes: Hmm, I like the way your going here, but how?

Calvin: Simple, we call up stadiums to have them host a World Championship event.

Hobbes: Oh, I know! You should try calling "The Big House"!

Calvin: Your saying we should play at a prison? That's stupid.

Hobbes: No, no. I'm talking about the Michigan Wolverines football teams stadium, I heard it can hold a ton of people.

Calvin: I like your thinking! I'll call them right now!

(Cuts to Calvin dialing the phone, and cuts to an office)

Person: Hello, you've reached the U of M Football Field Offices, how can I help you?

Calvin: Hello there, my name is Calvin the Bold, and I demand that you let me use your stadium to host the First Ever Calvinball World Championships! It'll be the greatest thing that sports has ever seen! Better than Golden State Blowing a 3-1 Lead! Better than the Cubs winning the World Series, better than-

(Calvin gets hung up on)

Calvin: Moron... I'll just call everyother stadium known to man!

(Show mantage of Calvin calling various stadiums, and being hung up on everytime)

Calvin: Philistines.

Hobbes: Maybe you should get a pro athlete or something to join, like Matthew Stafford.

Calvin: Your right Hobbes, but we need someone from a GOOD team, I don't get what it is with your liking to Michigan's Sports Teams.

Hobbes: But Matthew Stafford is good, not his fault that the Lions have a cruddy coach.

Calvin: The Lions haven't even won a Super Bowl, so you know who I'm going to call right?

Hobbes: Uh...Golden Tate?

(Calvin facepalms)

Calvin: No furball, I'm calling the greatest NFL Quaterback of all-time, Tom Brady!

Hobbes: Oh PUH-leeze.. he's a cheater.

Calvin: Goddell is a fraud Hobbes, don't listen to that dictator.

Hobbes: Look who's talking...

Calvin: Well he is a dictator! I know how to be a dictator the RIGHT way!

Hobbes: Sure you do...

(Calvin dials a nuumber, and cuts to Tom Brady)

Tom Brady: Ahh, nothing better than not having to deal with anything, especially Goddell.

(Phone rings, he picks it up)

Tom Brady: Hello?

Calvin: Hey there Tom! My name is Calvin, Calvin the Bold, I'm your #1 fan!

(Hobbes facepalms)

Tom Brady: Oh! Well nice to meet you Calvin... Uh how did you get my phone number?

Calvin: Uhhh, some hobo gave it to me.

Hobbes: You went on the internet you stalker!

Calvin: Shut up Hobbes!

Tom Brady: Well okay, so why did you call me?

Calvin: Well I need you to help promote the first ever Calvinball World Championships!

Tom Brady: What's Calvinball?

Calvin: Its a sport named after me, and we combine the elements of every sport together, and its anything BUT organized!

Tom Brady; Hmm, interesting... Can I speak with the current Comissioner of this sport?

Calvin: Your talking to him right now!

Tom Brady: Oh! Sorry about that... Wait, how old are you?

Calvin: Six, but I feel like I've been that age for like 30 years.

Tom Brady: Uh, okay... Do you know how to run this sport of yours?

Calvin: Of course I do! I'm the greatest comissioner to have ever lived!

Hobbes: Since when did Calvinball suddenly have a commissioner?

Calvin: Since right now!

(Hobbes rolls his eyes)

Tom Brady: OK. I'll talk to Goodell abou...

Calvin: NO! Don't tell Goodell! He framed you on purpose!

Tom Brady: OK. I'll talk to my coach.

Calvin: Reasonable.

Scene 2: The boardroom
(Calvin is sitting in a boardroom in a suit. Hobbes sits next to him.)

Hobbes: I can't believe this worked.

Calvin: I know, right? That's because I'm a genius.

Person: All rise for Tom Brady.

(Tom Brady enters the room.)

Tom Brady: Hello. I'm Tom Brady, quarterback of the New England Patriots.

Person: And representatives from each sports team ever.

(Various sports players pile in.)

Person: The boardroom meeting begins.

Calvin: Welcome to the Calvinball World Championships conference. I am Calvin the Bold. You shall refer to me as Calvin the Bold or Calvin, Boy of Destiny.

(All players nod.)

Calvin: Now, speaking for me, Tom Brady. Greatest quarterback in the world who was framed for deflating those footballs.

Trevor Siemian: Actually he-

Calvin: SECURITY!

(Siemian gets dragged out by a security guard.)

Tom Brady: Okay then... thanks Calvin the Bold. So for those of you that may not know, I'm NFL quaterback Tom Brady, and I was convinced by the Commissioner of this new sport called Calvinball to host a World Championship event.

Jonathan Quick: So what is this sport like?

Calvin: Its a mix of every sport imaginable!

(Players look at Calvin confused)

Tom Brady: Calvin the Bold is right. Calvinball contains elements of pretty much every single sport out there, and mixes them together into one sport! It's quite facinating really.

Trevor Story: So how do we play?

Calvin: Well, its kinda hard to say, because there's only one permanent rule in Calvinball: It can't be played the same way twice!

Joe Flacco: So we make it up as we go?

Calvin: Precisely. Usually since me and Hobbes play one on one with each other, all of you will be representing your city. I'll be playing as Calvin's Crusaders. And Hobbes will be the Terrific Tigers. Now. You'll just be called your names.

Scene 3: The tournament
Announcer: Today we have a huge turnout for the Calvinball World Championships! First match...Carson Palmer vs. Jordan MacIntosh!

(Carson Palmer wins)

Announcer: Joe Flacco vs. Tom Brady!

(Tom Brady wins)

Announcer: Joe Johnson vs. Garrett McIntosh!

(Garrett McIntosh wins)

Announcer: Calvin Grayson vs. Al Jefferson!

(Calvin wins)

Announcer: Jonathan Toews vs. Andy Dalton!

(Jonathan Toews wins)

Announcer: LeBron James vs. Ryan Johansen!

(Ryan Johansen wins)

Announcer: Tony Romo vs. Trevor Story!

(Trevor Story wins)

Announcer: Matthew Stafford vs. Jordan Eberle!

(Jordan Eberle wins)

Hobbes: YOU CHEAT!

Announcer: Hobbes Grayson vs. Jose Altuve!

(Hobbes wins)

Announcer: Andrew Luck vs. Blake Bortles!

(Andrew Luck wins)

Announcer: Alex Smith vs. Jonathan Quick!

(Jonathan Quick wins)

Announcer: Zach Randolph vs. Ryan Tannehill!

(Zach Randolph wins)

Announcer: Michael Carter-Williams vs. Adrian Peterson!

(Adrian Peterson wins)

Announcer: Moe Westing vs. Carey Price!

(Carey Price wins)

Calvin: Ha! Eat that, Moe!

Announcer: Mike Fisher vs. Jon Merrill!

(Mike Fisher wins)

Announcer: Drew Brees vs. Ryan McDonaugh!

(Drew Brees wins)

Announcer: Derek Carr vs. Brayden Schenn!

(Brayden Schenn wins)

Announcer: Ben Roethlisberger vs. Shawn Evans!

(Shawn Evans wins)

Announcer: Tony Parker vs. Melvin Gordon!

(Tony Parker wins)

Announcer: Hunter Pence vs. Patrick Marlow!

(Patrick Marlow wins)

Announcer: Russell Wilson vs. Matt Holliday!

(Russell Wilson wins)

Announcer: Susie Derkins vs. Steven Stamkos!

(Steven Stamkos wins.)

Calvin: Ha! Eat that, Susie!

Announcer: Brodie Merrill vs. Logan Schuss!

(Brodie Merrill wins)

Announcer: And to cap off Round One, John Wall vs. Blake Wheeler!

(Blake Wheeler wins)

(Shows montage of all the games. Cut to the final match between Calvin and Tom Brady.)

Scene 4: The Final Round
(Calvin and Tom Brady line up at centerfield.)

Calvin: Good luck, Tom.

Tom Brady: Thanks. You'll need it.

Calvin: It was an honor playing with you.

Tom Brady: Ya think?

Referee: On your mark...get set...CALVINBALL!

(Calvin scoops up the Calvinball.)

Calvin: OK, first person to hit the goalpost gets 18 points!

(Tom Brady takes the Calvinball and hits the goalpost.)

Tom Brady: I hit the goalpost from the five yard line! Add five points to my total!

(Five points add to the Visitors scoreboard.)

Calvin: You just hit the goalpost near the Invisibility Booster Area! You have to run around the logo of the Patriots with your eyes closed!

(Tom Brady runs around the logo as Calvin kicks the Calvinball. It bounces off Tom Brady's head and into the forty-one yard mark.)

Calvin: YES!!! Add 41 points to my total!

(Shows montage of game happening, cut to fourth quarter.)

Announcer: It all ends here. Grayson and Brady are tied...

(Calvin is running towards the end zone, until Pat Patriot appears.)

Calvin: Pat Patriot! Oh, thank god! Can I have your autograph?

(While Calvin is talking to Pat Patriot, Tom Brady scoops the ball up and makes it to the end zone.)

Announcer: TOM BRADY WINS!!!

Calvin: WHAT? RIGGED!!! This was a plan, wasn't it? You really are a CHEATER!!!

(Calvin takes the Calvinball and hurls it at Tom Brady, but misses and hits Garrett McIntosh.)

Garrett McIntosh: You little...

(Garrett McIntosh takes a lacrosse stick and whacks Ben Roethlisberger in the head. Then the players get into a big fight. Cut to the next day. Calvin is in his room with cuts and bruises.)

Hobbes: So. Did we learn a lesson today?

Calvin: No.

Hobbes: How about that Calvinball stays in the backyard?

Calvin: Oh fine, be a party pooper.

(Knocks heard)

Hobbes: Who's that?

Calvin: I dunno, lets go see.

(Calvin and Hobbes go downstairs and open the front door, Tom Brady is there)

Calvin: Ah! Tom Brady!

Tom Brady: Hey there Calvin, you alright after that whole thing yesterday?

Calvin: Yeah, just some cuts and bruises that's all. Heh, sorry about me going crazy, I guess it is my fault for being distracted by Pat Patriot, and causing that whole brawl to happen, heh.

Hobbes: Wow, you actually admitting that you messed up for once? That's a first...

Calvin: SHUT UP HOBBES!

Tom Brady: I was just dropping by something that I was going to give you yesterday after the finals, but I didn't get a chance with that whole fight.

(Tosses Calvin a football with Tom Brady's autograph on it)

Calvin: Wow! A football that's actually signed by you! Wow! This is so cool! Nobody has ever given me an autograph before!

Hobbes: Probably because all the other pro athletes hate you...

Calvin: Your not a part of this discussion furball.

(Person appears at the door)

Person: Excuse me, sorry to interrupt, but is there a person by the name of Calvin Grayson to be living here?

Calvin: That's me! The one and only!

Person: Well Mr. Grayson, here's a letter for you sent by my boss, Mr. Roger Goodell. (Hands letter to Calvin, who rups it open and reads it.)

Calvin: Lets see here... Dear Mr. Grayson, after conducting a thorough investigation of your "Calvinball World Championship" event and incident, we have decided to ban you from entering any NFL event at any venue, and have given you a fine of.... $250,000! WHAT?! TIHS IS RIDICLOUS! I DON'T EVEN PLAY IN THE NFL YET!

Hobbes: "Yet"?

Calvin: I WON'T STAND FOR THIS! DUMBELL WILL PAY!

Tom Brady: I can call up my friends at the NFLPA, and we can sue him.

Calvin: Really? Sue that lousy excuse of an commissioner! Let's do it!

Tom Brady: Don't worry, I'll make sure you win this.

Calvin: Yeah! And when we win, we can make Dumbell make ME the Commissioner of the NFL!

(Calvin and Tom Brady leave, and Hobbes is left standing there alone)

Hobbes: He'll never learn...

Voice Cast
Tom Kenny as Calvin Grayson/Announcer/Person who gives Calvin the letter

Owen Wilson as Hobbes Grayson/Person in Boardroom

Special Guest Voice: Tom Brady as himself

Special Guest Voice: Trevor Story as himself

Special Guest Voice: Jonathan Quick as himself

Special Guest Voice: Joe Flacco as himself

Special Guest Voice: Garrett McIntosh as himself

Special Guest Voice: Trevor Siemian as himself