Goldie We Hardly Knew Ye Transcript

Scene 1
(Calvin, Andy, and Hobbes are sitting in a room in the Sunlight Theatre. The show that they are watching has finished)

Calvin: Atomic! Mr. Goldie is the greatest magician of all time!

Hobbes: Is R-R-Rosegaund gone?

Andy: Yes, Hobbes, without a trace, unlike the stain you've left on my shirt.

(They walk out of the theatre)

Andy: I figured out all the effects except for Rosegaund. It doesn't seem to be a costume. Maybe it's a hologram.

Calvin: It's not an effect. Rosegaund really exists.

Hobbes: She does? You mean, we could run into her on the street?

Calvin: Rosegaund's parents were a zork and a humanoid. When they met each other, it was love at first sight. They had a burning passion for one another. They immediately decided to get married. But the fairytale romance was quickly replaced by boring daily life. The fruit of their love would soon transform the young woman. All alone, she brought little Rosegaund into the world. Her lovely face was a painful reminder of her beloved husband. Heartbroken and with no means to survive, the woman abandoned her daughter in a rich part of the city, hoping the child would find a better life. But misfortune continued to follow poor Rosegaund. She was raised by a colony of rats that hid her in the city sewers. Rosegaund was then adopted by a circus, where she became Mr. Goldie's assistant.

Andy: Wow, how lucky.

Hobbes: Maybe she's had brothers and sisters since then. A little bit like me.

(Hobbes pours his popcorn in a manhole)

Hobbes: Bon appetite. Hey! Wait for me!

Scene 2
(Zoe and Grandpa Jacobson are sitting on the couch will Calvin is explaining the show he, Andy, and Hobbes saw. They yawn. Grandpa starts snoring)

Calvin: And then a bolt of lightning brought Rosegaund into the light.

(All the lights in the house turn off suddenly)

Calvin: Ah!

Calvin's father: Don't worry, it's just a blown fuse.

Zoe: Ha-ha! What a scaredy-cat you are. You just scared yourself.

Calvin: You wouldn't be laughing so hard if you had gone to see the show.

Zoe: I'll have you know that Grandpa's taking me tomorrow.

Grandpa Jacobson: This theatre schedule doesn't say anything about Mr. Goldie and his experiments, just Prince Crystal and Sleeping Beauty: a show for the whole family.

Calvin: Atomic puree! That's impossible. That's not who I saw.

Zoe: You hopeless person. You're so twisted you'd trade in the love of your life for toad bladders.

Calvin's father: Zoe's right, Calvin. If you spent less time playing video games, you wouldn't confuse fantasy with reality. And now, time for bed.

Calvin: Is there something I'm not getting?

(Calvin imagines Mr. Goldie tied up to a chair, in a pink and sparkly room. He is being help captive by Prince Crystal and Sleeping Beauty. Calvin stops imagining it)

Calvin: They kidnapped him. Mr. Goldie is in danger.

Scene 3
Hobbes: I had the same nightmare. I dreamt Beekeebee was kidnapped and then--

Calvin: Premonitions can come true, you know.

Andy: Correct. The theory was proven by a fellow named "Fraud", I believe.