Two Loons and a Kid Transcript

Scene 1: The baby
(Calvin and Hobbes are reading comic books. Then the sound of a kid crying shocks them.)

Calvin: WHAT WAS THAT?

Hobbes: It sounded like a kid crying!

(There is a moment of silence. Then Calvin and Hobbes scream and run downstairs. Mom and Dad are cooing at a baby girl.)

Calvin: Oh, no!

Mom: What?

Calvin: You brought home a kid! Why would you do that? I'm your kid! What do you need that thing for?

Mom: Calvin, this isn't ours. This is your cousin, Dana. Remember her? You saw her eleven months ago when she was born.

Calvin: Oh, I remember. Why was Aunt Janice screaming the whole time?

Dad: It's a long story you'll hear when your older.

Calvin: (whispering to Hobbes) It's always when I'm older.

(Hobbes rolls his eyes and walks upstairs.)

Calvin: So why's Dana here? Aunt Janice not want her anymore?

Dad: No. We're babysitting while she's in town. She's at a bunch of conferences today. However, I have to get to the office meeting. I'll see you all later.

(Dad leaves. Mom coos some more at Dana.)

Mom: So soft. So sweet. And she has that baby smell too.

(Calvin goes into smell, and freezes.)

Calvin: Yup. Sour milk.

Mom: I wonder if we could have another child.

Calvin: Let me help you with that. Don't.

Mom: Here, smell her.

Calvin: Mom, it's a baby. Not the interior of a new car.

(Calvin exits the room.)

Calvin: Mom, don't do this! That thing is a trap! It can sell anything, but you gotta remember these things grow up! It gets high marks on the IQ test but gets D's in school! It takes your car without a license, drives around town and gets lost, and when it comes home asks what it did wrong!

(Mom sighs and takes the child away.)

Calvin: it's false advertising, Mom! Don't fall for it!