G.R.O.S.S. transcript

This is the transcript for G.R.O.S.S.

Scene 1: Susie Plays House
(Scene opens in an elaborate mansion. An adult with blond hair is vacuuming, and a brunette woman walks in.)

Woman: Darling, I'm home, and I brought something.

Man: It's about time! (pauses) And don't call me darling.

Woman: Here he is! (shows Man a rabbit swaddled in blankets)

Man: A rabbit?! You got us a pet? Don't you know how much work I already have to do?!

Woman: He's not a pet, he's our son.

Man: WWHAAAT!!? I don't want a son, and if I had one, he would NOT be a rabbit!

Woman: But look how cute he is!

(Woman shoves rabbit into Man's face. Man draws back, slips on the rug, and falls over.)

Man: That does it! I'm LEAVING!!

(Mansion fades into Susie's backyard. Man turns into Calvin, Woman turns into Susie. The rabbit is now a stuffed rabbit.)

Calvin: This is the dumbest game I've ever played! I'm leaving!

Susie: I don't see why you'll play with your dumb stuffed tiger, but not with Mr. Bun!

Calvin: Hobbes is not stuffed!

Susie: You're right, he's just a pile of rags!

Calvin: THAT'S IT!

(Calvin throws a water balloon at Susie, and she grabs a garden gnome and starts chasing Calvin around, trying to hit him with the gnome.)

Scene 2: G.R.O.S.S. Begins
(Cut to Calvin's backyard. Hobbes is reading a comic book by the big tree.)

Calvin: Great news, Hobbes! I'm starting a secret club, and you can First Tiger!

Hobbes: Great! What's our club going to be called?

Calvin: G.R.O.S.S.- stands for Get Rid Of Slimy girlS!

Hobbes: That is the worst acronym I have ever heard, and also, not all girls are slimy. Adhira's the hottest tigress I've ever seen.

Calvin (throws up arms in a huff): It spells something, and I call it that so Susie can't join and when we prank her, we can just explain that it's for our club.

Hobbes: I take it you're not so fond of Susie?

Calvin: She called you stuffed.

Hobbes: I am stuffed.

Calvin: I know, but you weren't always, and I'm sorry about getting you turned into a stuffed animal.

Hobbes: It's not your fault, and if it were, I'd have forgiven you already. Now then, if we're going to have a secret club, we need a secret meeting place.

Calvin: I've got the perfect one. Look up.

(Hobbes looks up into the tree and notices a large crate in the higher branches.)

Hobbes: Wow! You have a tree fort?

Calvin: Yeah, Dad made it for me. But it takes me forever to climb all the way up there, and when I do my arms are like limp pieces of spaghetti. Dad said it would build character. But all that's solved since you're here.

Hobbes: Me? What do I have to do with this?

Calvin: You can climb into the tree, then drop a rope for me to grab. Then you can pull me up!

Hobbes: Okay, but before we do that, we need a sign for our club.

Calvin: I've got some markers and poster paper.

Hobbes: Perfect!

Scene 3: Making The Sign
(Cut to the inside of Calvin's house. Calvin and Hobbes are coloring a sheet of poster paper red. Calvin's dad walks over, and Hobbes goes limp to hide his animate status.)

Calvin's dad: What're you doing, Calvin?

Calvin: Making a sign for my secret club.

Calvin's dad: You have a club?

Calvin: Yeah! It's in the tree fort.

Calvin's dad: Good to see you finally building some character!

Calvin: Whatever, dad.

Scene 4: The Fight
(Cut to the tree fort. Calvin and Hobbes tape their completed sign to the front of the tree fort. Calvin puts on a paper hat.)

Calvin: This meeting of the top-secret club G.R.O.S.S. (Get Rid Of Slimy girlS) will now come to order, Dictator-For-Life Calvin presiding. All salute!

(Hobbes salutes.)

Calvin: Okay, First Tiger Hobbes will now read the minutes of our last meeting!

Hobbes: There was no last meeting.

Calvin: Too bad, because we have to follow protocol.

Hobbes: What protocol?

Calvin: This protocol!

(Calvin whips out a sheet of paper that says: GET KAYK.)

Calvin: Whoops, that's my shopping list. This is the protocol.

(Calvin whips out another paper that says: AND TOONA.

Hobbes (writing on notepad): "10:30: Dictator-For-Life makes fool of himself while trying to stop First Tiger from applying common sense to meeting."

Calvin: DON'T YOU DARE WRITE THAT!

Hobbes (still writing on the notepad): "10:31: Dictator-For-Life then attempts to censor the true events of the meeting in order to bolster his terrible public image."

Calvin: GIMMIE THAT NOTEPAD!

(Calvin grabs the notepad.)

Hobbes: Well if you're taking that, I'm taking this!

(Hobbes grabs Calvin's Dictator-For-Life hat.)

Hobbes (writing on notepad, which is still in Calvin's hands): "10:32: Dictator-For-Life is ousted by his superiors, who award the position to First Tiger due to First Tiger's likability, intelligence, and good looks."

(Calvin jumps on Hobbes and knocks him to the ground, and they start fighting, creating a cloud of dust. They call insults at each other as they fight, and after about 20 seconds of this, Hobbes sticks his head and arms out of the dust cloud and starts writing on the notepad again.)

Hobbes: "Dictator-For-Life responds to dismissal with violence, proving the rumors about his instability."

(Calvin clubs Hobbes over the head with a tree branch. Hobbes extends his claws and his eyes glow green. Hobbes slashes at Calvin, who fends him off with the tree branch. Hobbes swats the tree branch away and completely swallows Calvin's arm. Calvin starts pulling at a loose seam on Hobbes's tail and it begins to unravel.)

Scene 5: Getting Rid Of A Slimy Girl
(Cut to the ground, where Susie is walking by.)

Calvin: Ha-hah! Take that, fleabag!

Susie: Hey Calvin, who are you fighting?

(Calvin immediately stops pulling on the string.)

Calvin: Hobbes, it's Susie! Quick, pass me those balloons and that bicycle pump.

Hobbes (talking around Calvin's arm): Wull you gve me the righ tuh recorr whuh ever Ah wan?

Calvin: Whatever you just said, it's yours!

Susie (off-screen): Who are you talking to?

(Hobbes lets go of Calvin's arm and hands Calvin the balloons and pump. Calvin inflates six balloons, which seem rather like they're full of water instead of air. Hobbes takes three balloons and Calvin throws his three at Susie, all of which hit her, bursting and soaking her with water when they touch her. Hobbes, hiding with some tree branches, throws more balloons at Susie. Calvin inflates four more balloons and throws them at Susie, who runs away soaking wet.)

Calvin: Ha-HAH! We got rid of a slimy girl! What a great day for G.R.O.S.S.-ness! I knew filling that bicycle pump with water was a good idea.

Hobbes: I think she's running off to tell on you.

Calvin: Who cares? It was worth it! I'd do it again in a minute!

Scene 6: Comeuppance
(Cut to Calvin and Hobbes in their room. Hobbes is writing on the notepad again.)

Hobbes: Well, that went well.

Calvin: Mom's such a jerk. All we did was pelt Susie with water balloons. That's not deserving of getting grounded!

Hobbes: Your mom's not so bad. She did sew up the loose stitching on my tail.

Calvin: We may have suffered a temporary setback in our battle against the enemy. But our war against girls will not end yet. For courage in the face of devastating odds, I award us all bottle caps of valor!

(Calvin pins a bottle cap to his shirt and Hobbes' chest.)

Hobbes: This is definitely going into the club log.